In Memoriam

I woke to ponder the fact that, were they alive, my parents would have celebrated their golden wedding anniversary today.

I recall well that my ickle bruvver and I would always make a fuss of the folks on their day. It was a splendid way to say thank you for all the many things they did for us and of course the presents we had received just two days previous. It helped to make for an extended Xmas period and a true family time. I miss them both, but especially today, when the memories flood back.

It was with great sadness then that I read of the untimely death of PC Chris Roberts, who didn't even get to see his own 50th. It reminds me of our own mortality and that we really do not know what is around the corner in our jobs and life in general. My parent's deaths were far too early, but nothing to compare with what has befallen Chris's three kids. My prayers tonight are with them and his kith and kin. Oh, and with Mum & Dad too.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Chill

I may be approaching the half-century, but I have a passion for this guy's trance music. If things are a bit hectic this Xmas day, chill with this amazing video.... my pressie to you.



© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Christmas Crackers

First off congratulations must go to Toy Town™ FC for their exceptional result last night in the UEFA cup. The Dandies have now drawn a cracker against Bayern Muenchen.

Regular readers know I'm really a fan of the Blues, but I was there at Pittodrie in 1983 when the Dons, en route to winning the European Cup Winners Cup, embarrassed the German Meisters. Wonder if I will be working on Valentine's Day?

Secondly, I'm about to delve into the myriad of mumbo jumbo and mystification over the Xmas celebrations.

Many have posted over the place of a Christian celebration in our diverse and multi-cultural society. Let's get one thing straight. Xmas has little to do with Christ and let's stop pretending otherwise. In other words, why do we insist on the use of His name in the moniker for what is essentially a pagan winter holiday aggravated by the pavlovian devotion to greed and excess typified by modern secular society.

In my brave new world we would continue to recognise the birth of Christ by maintaining the education and interaction children get at skool with nativity shows and the like, but we would weigh this against the need to celebrate Easter as the truly significant time for Christians.

I could ask you to consider the devout and essentially pure stance taken by some of our local Presbyterians at this time. Surprised? Personally, I prefer this tale. It about sums up my view perfectly. So go on enjoy the festivities! Only spare some time and contemplation for your Maker. If you don't, this could happen to your weans.


Meanwhile, at your local Primary Skool, it's just as well the new security system doesn't listen in as well as talk to the kidz.

Did I mention I was now on my Yuletide / Festive / Seasonal / Winter Holiday (a.k.a. Annual Leave) till the third day of next year and that I have got my SPP and full 2.5%?

I'm off to drink mucho whisky and beer. Will think of you as I do.

Finally, does anyone know how much a Wii weighs?


© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

An email you SHOULD read

Dear Noddy,

Thank you for supporting our think differently about autism campaign. Together we will improve the lives of the 1 in 100 people in the UK with autism by creating a better understanding of autism in society.

Today we launched the final two parts of our campaign film which highlights some the challenges a person with autism can face everyday. Though the film only shows one of the many ways autism can affect an individual, it is a vital tool to help increase understanding of autism.

Let’s ensure as many people as possible see these films!

Please forward on this email to all your contacts asking them to watch all four parts of the campaign film and then forwarding them to their own contacts.

Visit: www.think-differently.org.uk/viewourfilm.

Together we can use the internet to help people think differently about autism!

On 5 February 2008 the next stage of the campaign will launch focusing specifically on the desperate lack of services and support available to adults with autism across the spectrum. We will be demanding the UK Government takes action to address this issue and will need your support to make this happen. We will be in touch in January 2008 to explain how you can get involved.

For more information about the campaign please email us at thinkdifferently@nas.org.uk or call and leave a message on 020 7923 5788.

Thank you for your ongoing support!

Benet Middleton
Director of Communications

The National Autistic Society 393 City Road, London, EC1V 1NG, United Kingdom. Tel: +44(0)20 7833 2299, Fax: +44 (0)20 7833 9666, Email: nas@nas.org.uk VAT registration number: 653370050; Registered charity number: 269425

© The National Autistic Society 2007

Jockularity

It’s Xmas, so in the spirit of the season, here’s some festive cheer ‘cos I know you southerners need a little cheering up what with H.M. Government’s Scrooge-like behaviour over pay.

(p.s. Click on the pic to enlarge a representation of a modern day Glesga nativity)

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says, "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
The girl replies, "From the top of my head right down to my knickers."

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan" she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
‘Oor Wullie.’

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
He was in his cell.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says, "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa dear," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice, "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband, "Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
And he says, "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says, "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

Hat tip to P.A. over at B.P.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

A dog would look stupid in this....

For all you cat lovers out there, and I know there are a few, here's the purrfect Xmas gift for your kitty. My dug is pishing herself.

Stop Press: The pink ones are sold out! Well they would be wouldn't they.

Let me aff the bus.......

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

The Great Escape

Local news is pish just now.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Xmas Message

This year, as every year, the country's Police Officers patiently, nay excitably, await the Home Secretary's seasonal message and veritable morale booster.

Only this year the reception may be as cold as the weather and one or two might receive the missive with the attention and respect shown in the photo attached.

Meanwhile, my good friend Noddy has also read the letter from Ms Spliff to Alistair Dearest and is a tad scunnered on behalf of his friends down south and not exactly full of seasonal goodwill towards double-dealing politicians exhibiting crass double standards.


On a positive note, Mr Plod reports that he has the entire Festive Season off on leave and he WILL be in receipt of the massive pay rise!

So from Toy Town™ at least it's Nollaig Cridheal 's Bliadhna Mhath ùr to you and yours.

Keep safe.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

New Federation Rep?

"If you see a police officer under attack you have got to step in, it's your civic duty to stand up and take on the culprit." - John Smeaton.

Are you busy just now Smeato?

I know some folk who might just need your help again.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Ho Ho Ho

Festive Greetings to you and yours Ms Spliff.

On behalf of my English & Welsh colleagues, go choke on your toke and may your stockings be as empty as your promises.


© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Divide and Rule

Just a few days ago I welcomed you all to our wee nation.

Well I have the feeling a few of my colleagues down south might just be thinking of coming up to these pairts permanently!

Strictly speaking I'm prohibited from espousing any Political views, but there's nothing wrong with making a political observation based on factual events, so here I go.

Since the leak in The Telegraph regarding Ms Spliff's reneging on the PAT decision, there has been some indignation amongst the rank and file south of the border. Cannot blame you guys to be honest.

Meanwhile the SNP, in the form of Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill, have honoured (and I use that word with just regard and respect for this Politician's decision) the agreement in Scotland.

Ms Spliff must be a tad miffed the Scottish Executive did not just roll over and agree to the UK Government position as hoped for in her letter to the scots Chancellor.

The SNP, however, must have been rubbing their hands with glee this morning when they had the opportunity to a) stick one right up Labour north of the border and 2) shove another wedge in the cracks in the Union and in their drive for Independence by highlighting the differences north and south of the border.

Personally, I'm glad OUR government had the decency to accept the 'award', pitiful though some might have regarded it in the first place.

For those down south, I wish you well with the double-dealers at the Home Office. Other public servants beware! OK that is political, but have you read that letter?

Finally, let's just compare notes.

Kenny MacAskill: "It's for the UK Government to settle with their police officers and the Scottish Government to settle with our police officers. All I'm saying is that we believe when you enter into an arbitration scheme, if it comes out with something then unless there's good reason you should implement it."

Joe Grant - Scottish Police Federation: "What it has done is restore a bit of trust and faith in the negotiating process here in Scotland that doesn't exist elsewhere in the UK."

Jacqui Spliff: "I am accepting their (PAT) recommendation for a 2.5% increase to the pay of police officers. However, I also have a responsibility to ensure pay settlements are affordable and consistent with government pay policy, including the maintenance of low inflation. I have therefore decided that the award should be implemented on 1 December, rather than 1 September."

Jan Berry - Police Federation (England & Wales): "This is contemptuous behaviour by the Home Secretary and has rightly angered the 140,000 police officers in England and Wales who have been waiting patiently for their pay award since 1 September. Police officers should either have full industrial rights or independent binding arbitration - currently we have neither."

Notice the difference?

2.5% may not be as much as we would have liked, but at least we can enter arbitration next year knowing it is morally binding north of the border..... or should that be north of the DIVIDE!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Old enough to marry....

....and do unmentionable things with the opposite sex, but still unable to buy a fag, drink, vote etc., etc. That would be my youngest loon today.

Happy 16th

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

There's a certain ring....

.... to the commonality of the sudden deaths within the remit of the author of the as ever unintentionally amusing SPDK blog.

Well, there must be a simple answer to this and I would suggest that this is a very poor example of Problem Solving Policing, targets are clearly not being met and it's time for a visit from the the local Pink Community Support Officers.

On a personal note, whilst in India, I would advise sticking to bottled water. The local stuff can taste a bit foostie!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Fàilte gu Alba

Far be it from me to suggest that there has been a bit of plagiarism over at Follyrood and the STB, but the new 'Corporate' banner for the bestest wee nation on planet earth does seem to be a bit familiar!

It certainly beats the Canadians' efforts vis-a-vis "Come see our beavers."

Meanwhile up here in Welcome to Toy Town™ land, the locals are in a huff over monoglot bendy-buses. Mind you, there is a need to be careful about things that you put on the backs of buses. We wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of the law now would we?

On another tack, I have to say I'm humbled to be the recipient of a Twining Oscar.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Pink 'n Mix

A selection of daftness from the world news.

1. Allsorts of issues here, but what a sweet old lady she must be. I think the judge is on another planet, Mars perhaps. Made me snicker though. Now onto another topic.
   
2. Speaking of kids - Teddies are in the news. All I'm going to say is that if an Islamic teacher, bedecked no doubt in her burqa, decided to call a teddy 'Jesus' at a school in the 'wee frees' bits of the Gàidhealtachd then there surely would have been a backlash, but maybe not actual lashes.
3. Staying on the subject of Teddies - you've got to have one of these for the next nuptials you are invited to. What's more the teddy is pink. What more can you ask for? (Be honest, how many of you clicked manically on that link expecting a lingerie item?) Which leads me nicely to...
4. Pink Community Support Officers.
   

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Old Bill

I tried the quiz and guess what?

I scored as a William Wallace.

I didn't swick either.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Captain John McDermid RIP

John was laid to rest on Monday.

Read more here.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Elysian fields

A wee(gie) Davy & Boaby joke from the Glasgow Guide:

n.b. This post has been scrutinised and fails to meet Human Rights legislation and diversity protocols. Tough titty.

An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs-Élysées with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.

Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?
Davy: Aye, that's right big yin. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.

Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?
Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby?
Bobby: Aye.

Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.
Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap.

Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.
Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Boaby?
Bobby: Aye.

Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.
Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dogs, ah widnae touch them wae yours big yin.

Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?
Bobby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!

....... and there was you thinking the tag would be about a certain footie match.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Without a leg to stand on

Sorry about the pun, but that's what the brave guys were left with after this HATE crime.

Punishment for the besom in question? Deep end, rope, lead weights anyone?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Home Internationals anyone?

Sorry folks down south, but it has to be said. That was poor.

At least we Scots can be proud of our team's efforts, but I'm not sure the same can be said about McClaren's mob over both the group fixtures and tonight's game.

I think someone is in line to receive his P45. Perhaps he'd be best to take Whichendbites' advice.

Meanwhile, up here in Jockland, there is a suggestion we should resurrect the Home Internationals, what with our footballers being unemployed this summer.

Given the state of the pitch at Wembley, do you want our lot to remove the turf for you?

Mind you, I think you'd maybe be better doing it yourself and digging a bit deeper for an excuse for the poor performance!

Click for update.

It appears that the idea is now doomed.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Loads of Money

After the recent faux pas at HMRC, I was amused at a HMRC official's response that "the inquiry will take into account the individual's experience. However, in the staff handbook there are guidelines and they include using common sense."

What? A government body proposing staff use Common Sense.

Meanwhile, in the wake of the above and the Northern Rock fiasco, there comes this little worry. Well actually £1.9 trillion worth of worries. Having lived in Malaysia, it was certainly the case that the ethnic Indians did seem to get a rough deal, but blaming the Malaysification on us Brits is a bit steep.

However, this article really, really worries me! Now that really will hit your average bloke's pocket.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

The Sound of Silence

It's a slippery slope we are on.

Among the array of my many splendoured talents is the fact that I am a fully trained custard occifer.

As such, I am considering the latest softly softly approach being pioneered by the Prison Service to improve my intel submissions.

Those of you trained in this fine art will shudder at the thought of me putting this aspect of the initiative ahead of the duty of care to the poor incarcerated souls (or should that be soles?), but on an average evening/night in the cell block it is hardly the Magnums and DM's traipsing down the corridors that are going to keep the incarcerated awake, more likely Mr McPished or Mr McHigh pounding on the cell door with his heid. Oh and of course there's always a Ms McBanshee.

Meanwhile, in Ruralshire the Duty Detective Inspector pays a visit to custody and is asked to remove his shoes first and replace them with the new standard issue.


© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Taken to the Cleaners - Not.

Now wouldn't it be incredible if we had judges making decisions like this one over on this side of the pond?

I mean we trust our Judges to make correct decisions don't we?

Otherwise we'd expect them to lose their positions wouldn't we?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

It's good to talk

It never ceases to amaze me how those in the various arms of the agencies that wish to interact with today's yoof think that they r so like kewl lol when they come up with some new fangled idea to reach out to our disaffected kidz. CWOT IMHO.

I mean what is wrong with just taking the time to bleedin' talk to them!

I have decided to jump on the bandwagon and start a blog .... damn! Done that.

I could try MySpacebook or whatever it's called, but apparently there are dangers.

Well failing that you could just Meebo me - see the Sidebar - I'm like well up on all that teenspk u no.

S'l8r homies.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Too close to home

Sometimes you realise just how close faraway conflicts are.

The ickle bruvver says it all, now that it's in the public domain.


Thoughts and prayers are with Gill, the kids and their kith & kin.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Warchild

It's Remembrance Day, so nothing other than to say I thought that whilst we look into the past to those who went where others feared to tread, let's not forget the future that they fought for.

Are we, the lucky ones, pulling our weight?

"I am a child. I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by and disciplining me in a loving manner."

Not sure if this applies to the following little darlings, but you decide.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the crisps and dip coming.

Alan, age 10 (in for a reality check).

No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

Kristen, age 10.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camille, age 10.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

Lori, age 8.

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure).

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

Craig, age 9.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

Pam, age 7.

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7.

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8.

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9 (bless you child).

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

Kelvin, age 8.

And my favourite is:

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

Ricky, age 10 (this deserves a gold star).

Kids, they ARE our future and they deserve the BEST we can give them.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Concealing Drugs

I love it when I can combine two of my favourite wacky topics together.

Poop and Futrets.

Don't Pharmacists dispose of unused drugs over the pond or do the Colonials all buy their Prozac from 7 Elevens?

Referring back to my recent post, perhaps that's what the kids are ferreting about for and using.

I can see them now in 60's mode saying, "Hey man, this is really good sh1t."

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

A Capital Offence

Note to a' loons 'n' quines:

Fan in York divnae ging tae ony foncie dress perties rigget oot as Sitting Bull or een o' his squaws.

Aye, en mind fan yer in Switzerland tae pit the seat doon afore yi pish, min.

Dinna blame me, noo 'at I've telt yi a'aboot it.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Pooped?

Well we all know that what happens over the pond usually gets dumped on these shores eventually.

It'll be in ones and twos to start with and then ........

I'll get my hiviz jacket.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Honoured

For those who also wish to honour our colleagues in the Fire and Rescue Service there are two ways available by clicking here.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dog Tired

For fawkes sake would you bipeds give it a rest!

My dear friend, who resides with Noddy and his clan, has been having a hard time of it lately.

Firstly, due to some mistaken belief that back in the mists of time OUR nation was saved from disaster at the hands of a bunch of left footers with some explosive ideas, the last weekend has been torture for us hounds.

Here is some canine advice for you bipeds, especially hereabouts:

1. Guy was bombing about well before the union of parliaments. This is an ENGLISH matter.
2. The date is the 5th of November. It's not the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 9th - delete as required. I mean the ditty wouldn't sound quite right would it, "Remember, remember, the (enter date(s) as required - see point 3), gunpowder, treason and plot."
3. Keep it to the 5th you muppets. OK, so a Monday ain't so convenient what with work and all that. I mean Guy what were you thinking of? Especially when you can set off your rockets, squibs, catherine wheels etc. on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday night to the accompaniment of numerous cans of Tennents, bottles of Buckie and Tesco's own vodka. Wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to mix explosives with alcohol would you. Why not move Christmas to the first day with snow, just so you can all sing like Bing.

Anyway, back to my Pal. She's of a nervous disposition and what with the extended lack of consideration and knowledge of Scottish history shown the last few days, she was in such a state, a visit to the vets was required.

Turns out it wasn't just the extended festivities that had had her cowering behind the settee like Noddy used to when the Daleks were exterminating some extra on TV. It appears she also has a phantom pregnancy.

Any more of this malarky from you humans and the poor bitch will have a phantom miscarriage.

It's nae real.

© Bumpy Dog
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Since you asked

I have been asked regularly why, as a Jock, I support Chelsea FC. Reasonable question.

Actually, there's a good story as to why. Honest. And it's true.

Read on and you will understand.

It's 1968 and I'm sat watching the newly acquired TV (Black & White) in leafiest Buckinghamshire. I'm watching Manchester United win the European Cup and a darn fine game it was. I'm nine and a little impressionable, you might even call me a glory hunter and Dad has already bought me, and the ickle bruvver, a Mank strip for Xmas. Well they were the only one's available at the time. Little did he know, but within a year, I'd be sorely embarrassed of the Xmas pics of me and the wee boy imitating Georgie Best and Bobbie Flickover. Come to think of it, the ickle bruvver also dumped the Reds in favour of the other lot from Manchester (bit of a mistake there too, loon) a short while later.

A little over a year later and being as we were so close to the 'Smoke', and my uncle was on one of his annual visits from Toy Town™ to the Ideal Home Exhibition at Earl's Court, where he was exhibiting on behalf of his plumbing business, we thought we'd pay a visit.

My aunt and uncle were staying at the Waldorf (posh in those days before the Hiltons got hold of it) and we joined them for breakfast in an imposing room.

Repast over we grabbed a lift up to their room. At the time the Miss World contestants were also staying there. OK, I was only 10, but being crammed in with the olds, and three very (better get my spell check out here) exotic Misses, is something even at such a tender age you don't forget. The ladies were wearing their countries' various names on sashes (and not much else as per linked group photo above) and I distinctly remember Miss Venezuela (she came 5th). She was very close and it's such a long word. I got stuck somewhere about the 'Z' as it crossed her frontage, which was about eye level at the time!

I know my very jealous Dad had to have a cold drink when we got to the room.

The day was looking up.

Off we toddle to Earl's Court. As a 10 year old, with ickle bruvver in tow, we weren't too interested in what was on show, but managed to purloin some free snacks and drinks at various displays and, as I recall vividly for some reason, clamber about on some rather large motor yachts (Ideal Homes for the ridiculously rich).

I digress, getting bored and back at Uncle's 'stall', this rather rotund gent, an associate of my uncle, who was puffing on a huge cigar, asked my old man if the boys would like to go to a football match in the afternoon. Now, the old man wasn't the most adventurous of types in those days and swithered, but the wonderful man, who went by the name of Sidney Popper, insisted. When he mentioned it was a game involving the aforementioned Manchester United, the interest level rose. Apparently they were playing some outfit nearby at a place called Stamford Bridge. Didn't mean much to me at the time.

Anyhow, time comes to leave and we are escorted out to our transport. Well, does Sid not have a chauffeur driven Roller waiting for us. There's obviously money in 'u' bends. The day was looking even better and off we go.

As we arrive at Stamford Bridge, we drive up to the iron gates at the back of the old main stand and a gatekeeper resplendent in bunnet and white gloves heaves it open with a cheery wave for Sid.

Disembarking, we are led into a plush (for the time anyway) private box in the stand. Sid instructs us to help ourselves to fizzy pop and crisps - anyone old enough to remember those days will know that was a rare treat - and down we sat to watch the game. Sid goes over the team sheets and the programme, educating me into the outfit in blue. He tells me all about 'the Cat', Ossie, Charlie Cooke (a personal favourite, whom Sid told me was a Scot and had played for the local outfit in his time), 'Chopper' Harris, Davie Webb etc. etc. He glossed over the array of talent in red, which included the aforementioned Best and Charlton. It was a good game, but in the mind of a ten year old, the numerous 'Cokes' and packets of crisps with the wee blue twisted ended sachets of salt and the ride home up to the Waldorf in the Roller were better.

Oh, I forgot - the result: 1-1 and a life long CFC supporter spawned.

Many years later, standing in The Shed, I realised just what it meant to be 'Forever Blue!' If you were there, you'll know what I mean.

It's all true, just ask the ickle bruvver.

Now aren't you glad you asked?

p.s. the photo is random and purely for the girls and might get them interested!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Serving you

Not difficult to find something to post on tonight, but more difficult to know what to say.

Prayers are with the Firefighter's kith and kin.

Meanwhile our own Service reels again.

...... and try as I may to find something positive, there's no better news about Jon Sherlock either.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Digging up a story

I was looking about for some serious crime to report and dug up this.

There's serious crime, petty ones and then there's grave offences.

Surrey Police, get your hiviz jackets......

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

A bridge too far

Every so often I wonder which planet the Eurocrats live on.

According to the P&J, more than 200 Highland bridges are in breach of European weight limits and should not be carrying articulated lorries, it has emerged.

Eight years after a European directive came into force, almost a third of road bridges in the region have still not been strengthened to take 40-tonne vehicles.

Bridges on B-roads at Merkadale, on Skye, and Letters near Ullapool, are among the 227 which are in breach of the safety limits.

About 90 structures in the Highlands have been upgraded at a cost of £1million per year. It is predicted that it would cost about £60million to strengthen the remaining 227 bridges.

David MacKenzie, the Highland Council's chief engineer, said that all the affected bridges were still safe to use for ordinary motorists.

Have you seen the sort of countryside roads up our way. 40 tonne artics - lucky if you can get a horse and cart up some of these drover's paths.

PC MacFaraway, Ardnamurchan - "Calling HQ. Re this RTC involving a lorry and the new Eurobridge. There's an allegation of excess speed. Could I have a tachograph examination trained officer attend please?"

HQ, Inverness - "Roger. Hold." .....................

HQ - "Calling PC MacFaraway. Roger. Tomorrow do?"

(Picture of Cromdale Bridge courtesy of the ickle bruvver).

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

More Bollards

Scots Law, not just criminal, but civil too, is a wee bit different to that practised down south. Occasionally, as reminded to me by a recent call, it can seem a bit crass.

Here's the scenario. Non-resident parks various cars in a private car parking area. He's asked politely to move same. What can the law do for the residents when he ignores the requests?

Up hereabouts, very little unless you want to pursue the miscreant in the civil courts for actual financial loss as a result. That would be pretty difficult to prove and bleedin' costly.

You can't tow away - a previous High Court ruling deemed that Theft.

You can't use wheel locks and claim reparation - a previous High Court ruling deemed that Theft and Extortion.

All you can do is secure the parking area with barriers or bollards.

The resident I spoke to tells me they are to install something similar to this, about which I posted a good while ago.

I'm off to watch the fun!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Leave a light on

It's that time of year when the nights fair draw in, particularly round these northern parts.

This can be good for us Polis in that the local yoof are less disposed to 'hingin aboot' the local shops etc., but can be bad for you householders who forgot the significance of the change to the clocks this past weekend. Keep a light on for the bit of the day now dark that you spend rushing home from your nice day jobs, otherwise me and my m8s will be round to visit you after the Big Scary Animals have looted your gaff. I don't want to have to say, "Told you. Runaway Horses, stable door etc."

As usual Toy Town™ Constabulary offer a natty little aid for those scared of the dark, but for a more official guide those north of Carlisle could try keeping our communities safe or those southwards could try here.

p.s. Noddy would like it to be known that he does not remove his pyjamas willy nilly for anyone.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Think Differently

This is a cause close to my heart and family. Please take time to visit the website, sign the petition and view this film.

Thanks.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I want to ride my bicycle

The wheel really has come off......

Weird or kinky, but does it really justify being placed on the sex offenders' register?

As Freddie said, " I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like."

Click for update.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

José who?

Beautiful football as promised and even Sheva scored!

The ickle bruvver will not be amused.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

12 long years

Keep the pressure on any way you can.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Backfired?

Look very carefully.

Still puzzled?

The Register reveals all.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times