Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Calcutta Cup Preview

A new game for Saturday....


1. Print off the attached pictures of Johnny and Elastoplasts.

2. Have an adult cut up the plasters, using blunt-tipped scissors. Be very careful, as Johnny's accident-proneness may affect you. Don't run around with the scissors.

3. Stick a plaster on the bit of Johnny's body that will be knackered first. If you think the first injury will not put him out of the game, put some others on him.

4. Pick a time that you think Johnny will be stretchered off :

(Odds are as follows)

0-1 minutes ~ Evens
1-2 minutes ~ 2/1
2-3 minutes ~ 3/1
3-4 minutes ~ 5/1
4-5 minutes ~ 10/1
6-80 minutes ~ 100/1

For full details on Johnny's NHS visits so far visit here.

5. Then post a tenner to the Johnny Wilkinson, c/o NHS, Newcastle, to buy some real plasters.

Where Eagles Deer

OK, one more.

This time from CNN.


....and just wait until she's a teenager.

I need to have a cat nap, but before I depart, check this bit of unbelievable pussy footing about. Line up the kitty Social Worker etc. it's a modern day catastrophe. Probably gets fat playing with her mouse on the PC ......

At least maybe one of its other 8 lives might just be a little bit more purrfect.

Canuck Conundrum

The Beeb report (as do Reuters in rather more detail and interest) that new rules contained in a Canadian town council declaration on culture placed on it's website have been branded shocking and insulting by Muslims.

An extract explains:

"We wish to inform these new arrivals that the way of life which they abandoned when they left their countries of origin cannot be recreated here," the declaration reads.

"We consider it completely outside norms to... kill women by stoning them in public, burning them alive, burning them with acid, circumcising them etc."

It points out that women are allowed to drive, vote, dance and own their own homes.

OK, I think they have a point this time. Hardly a welcome. if you think you couldn't make this faux pas, test yourself here.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Bearded Collie?

The Beeb report that a small brewery in the Netherlands has launched a new beer designed to bring cool relief to thirsty dogs.

Kwispelbier, marketed as "a beer for your best friend", is made from a special brew of beef extract and malt.

The beverage is a creation of pet shop owner Gerrie Berendsen, who wanted her dogs to share light refreshments with her after a day's hunting.

The beer is non-alcoholic and fit for human consumption, but costs four times as much as a Heineken.

"Kwispel" is the Dutch word for wagging a tail.

Ms Berendsen, who lives in the eastern town of Zelhem, commissioned the small local Schelde brewery to make and bottle the beer.

"Once a year we go to Austria to hunt with our dogs, and at the end of the day we sit on the verandah and drink a beer. So we thought, my dog also has earned it," Ms Berendsen told the Associated Press.

Methinks our friends from the Netherlands have been toking too much!

My dug can just settle for her usual........

Hooray Henri

Sacre Bleu! What a weekend. It was a tale of two Terry's; one missing from the Blue's line-up again and one who has kept the title open.

There I was back from my man flu on Sunday driving down the main street of the Granite City when my Oppo and I spot this mop waving his hands in a frantic manner. Thinking, as usual, that it was some myopic inebriate unable to distinguish between roof mounted Polis sireen and lichties, and a taxi cab we drove on till we decided that maybe his continued gesticulation might mean he actually wanted our Services.

Stop we did to be greeted by an Eastern European reporting that his pedal bike had been stolen from the place where it had been left all weekend on the main street in the metropolis. We decided to advise our Control Room of this i.e. we had a complaint to note from a gentleman with limited grasp of the local twang and that we might not be available for the many wondrous calls they had queued up for us.

As is usual for my esteemed colleagues, sympathy just welled out of them on hearing of our plight - that being that;

  • we had inadvertently stumbled across some work
  • there might be some linguistic barriers
and I was PTP'd (that's Polis speak for a private radio - sorry Airwave terminal - call direct to me cf point to point) by a colleague who took great delight in advising me that with 10 minutes to go it was 1-0 to Man Utd. and that he hoped this didn't make me feel more miserable. I thanked him cordially for his concern.

After some interesting diagrammatic descriptions of his missing transportation (I have to admit my Polish is not too good) I returned to the Office to do the inevitable incident and crime recording (what used to be called paperwork, but it's all on a computer now).

This allowed me ample time to be present to hear that the Gooners had managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat thanks to Monsieur Henri and the earlier contribution of Pinky and Persie.

I was that Cheshire cat
Last laugh and all that.

I particularly liked what this Smogmonster had to say on the topic and I have to admit that Fergie summed it up well when he said,

"We have a game less to play and are a goal better off than Chelsea following their 2-0 defeat at Liverpool yesterday. So it's not all doom and gloom."

But it ain't over till.......

Monday, January 22, 2007

Would you, could you, should you?

Sky News report that in order to gain sufficient evidence to prosecute those running brothels in Sydney, Australia, the local Mayor has had to send in Private Detectives.

Wikipedia would have me believe that,

"Increasingly, modern PIs prefer to be known as "professional investigators" rather than "private investigators" or "private detectives". This is a response to the seedy image that is sometimes attributed to the profession and an effort to establish and demonstrate the industry to be a proper and respectable profession."


I particularly liked the following excerpt from the Sky report,

On numerous occasions over numerous days and times they had to fulfil the act."

... and I can just hear the spouses greeting their hubbies on their return home with a, "Hard day at work dear?"

Well I suppose every job has its ups and downs, but blow me!

Now let me think....If the PI's were paid to have sex, are they then hoors as well?

Whistle while you work.....

Walt Disney Corporation has announced that new requirements have necessitated that Disneyworld Edinburgh, taking a leaf out of Mr Reid's book, split the park up and put some of the attractions in Glasgow as well......

Oh, but I wish this was a fairy story!

Colours Fly & Catherine Wheel

The Beeb report that a block of Glasgow flats which explodes into colour in a television advert has been demolished.

The high-rise flats in Queen's Court, Toryglen, were destroyed by a controlled explosion on Sunday morning.

The flats are currently being featured on TV to advertise Sony's high-definition Bravia LCD television.

In the advert, 70,000 litres of environmentally-friendly paint are blasted across the flats using fireworks, creating paint explosions.

The 132 flats, which were built in 1968, were demolished as part of Glasgow Housing Association's regeneration plans.

It took less than 10 seconds to reduce the 23 storeys to rubble.

The block's former tenants include Jim Kerr and Charlie Burchill from Simple Minds and Janis Hughes, Labour MSP for Rutherglen.

I have great memories of living here and it was a really great place to grow up," Ms Hughes said.

The MSP said she moved to the flats in the late 60s at the age of nine.

"I lived on the fifth floor and Jim Kerr lived on the 11th," she said.

"He wasn't famous then. He was just someone we played with.

"It was very sad watching the building coming down but I know it's for a good reason.

"I hope that in future people will be able to live here and have the same kind of memories as I have."

The multi-million pound worldwide television campaign took 10 days to film and involved 250 people.

A pile of rubble is all that is left of the Toryglen flats

It was directed by award-winning director Jonathan Glazer, whose credits include the film Sexy Beast.

He has also directed videos for bands such as Jamiroquai, Massive Attack and Radiohead and some of the most memorable ads for Guinness and Stella Artois.

The paint, which was non-toxic and safe enough to drink, had to be delivered in huge trucks and mixed on site by 20 people.

The clean-up took five days and involved 60 people.

Margaret Brittain, of Orchard Grove Housing Association, said: "We felt like allowing a company like Sony to come in and bring a lot of colour to the estate and create a lot of interest, would really put Toryglen on the map.

"It certainly has put it on the map because people worldwide are contacting us to tell us that they've seen the advert."

Knocking down concrete monstrosities works well too!

Friday, January 12, 2007

I'm Stumped

Reuters report that an Indian traffic policeman has been transferred for trying to fine one of the country's biggest cricket stars, not realising that celebrities are sometimes above the law.

Inspector Saifuddin Ahmed thought he was just doing his job* when he stopped an expensive sports car in the eastern city of Ranchi for having dark tinted windows - an offence in India.

But sitting behind those windows was cricketer Mahendra Singh Dhoni:

one of India's hottest celebrities and a hero in his home state of Jharkhand, of which Ranchi is the capital.

Early reports said an unfazed Ahmed insisted Dhoni hand over the 900-rupee fine (10 pounds).

Local police have since back-pedalled, saying Dhoni was allowed to drive on after waving a letter from local authorities giving him special dispensation to break the law.

Ahmed has now been transferred in what is an apparent demotion from the downtown commercial district to a downmarket residential bazaar, the Hindustan Times reported on Friday.

The state's chief minister was reported as saying that celebrities should expect special treatment when it comes to the law, a widely held notion in India's upper echelons.

"The police should be liberal while dealing with persons of his stature," Madhu Koda was quoted as saying by the newspaper.

"What is the harm if a person of his standing uses a car with tinted glass windows?"

Howzat for impartiality. That would be one rule for......

But just in case you think the Traffic Polis in India are alone on this - check this link.

* These Inspectors must stop
trying just to do their jobs.

p.s. Now what would have happened if the miscreant had been on Bail?

Commonwealth Games - 2014

As you know (by the way), Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow’s bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.


The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit.
The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of
local athletes.


Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


As above, but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc).


Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.


This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in Baillieston,
Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse.... the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.


A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.


to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.


Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and takes an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.


As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.


Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.


All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".


A safe route has yet to be decided.


Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...


Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper
piping and the central heating boiler.

Sounds good to me!

Meanwhile, if you are stuck for something to do this weekend then Glesga's the place to be as well...

Sometimes I weep for my country!

Doctor please.....

Doctor can you help me please
I'm laying on the floor
I need a glass of something
Like you gave me once before

[lyrics from Doctor by Wishbone Ash]

I offer the view that for some addicts the prescribing of heroin might just take them away from crime and hopefully towards a structured withdrawal.

If you agree you can sign a petition here.

There's nothing to lose in trying and at least it would be better than this nightmare scenario...

This photo has upset some readers - the full story why is available by clicking

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Open invitation

Sky News report that the Prison Service has confirmed 2 more murderers have absconded from Sudbury open prison.

Duncan MacNeil and Paul Michael Neale were both serving life sentences when they walked out of the category D jail in Ashbourne, Derbyshire.

MacNeil was jailed for life in 1982 and Neale was jailed for life a year later.

A spokesman for the Prison Service said: "We can confirm that two men have absconded from Sudbury prison. Both men are serving sentences for murder. The relevant police force was notified immediately and the matter is now in their hands."

The latest escapes bring the total number of killers on the loose from Sudbury to five.

I repeat, 5 killers on the loose. (Read about the others here and here).

Nick Ross would find it difficult, even for him, to persuade the good residents of Derbyshire that they can sleep safely tonight.

Why are these people allocated open prisons?

What do the authorities think this is doing to the relatives of the victims?

When they are caught, will their sentences be increased or at least any remission revoked?

Toilet Humour

Reuters report that the urinal stolen recently has been returned to its owner who is apparently bowled over, as is the thief no doubt as he got off with a caution. He has been quoted as saying, "What a relief."

Well at least it was a detection.

I would have loved to have seen that one go to court... but then the CPS would have had to spend a lot of pennies.

Toilets are topical this month, I just have to have one of these. A veritable piscine!

Now if one of these was nicked, think of the enquiry, fishing for clues etc... and there would be all that paperwork. Then again you could just keep a lid on it.

The fan has been hit.

cartoon from
The Beeb reports that
police chiefs have said British criminals may have been cleared to work with vulnerable people in the UK after committing serious crimes abroad. Some 525 British criminals may have applied for jobs back in the UK.

The Association of Chief Police Officers says details of 27,529 cases, including 25 Britons convicted of rape, were left in files at the Home Office.

The cases involved included:

  • 25 rapes
  • 3 attempted rapes
  • 29 paedophiles
  • 17 other sex offenders
  • 5 murders
  • 9 attempted murders
  • 13 manslaughter convictions
  • 29 robberies

  • "The home secretary and the current ministers were not told about this issue of the backlog
    ," quotes Joan Ryan, Home Office minister.

    Read that again....

    Someone was told about it then? Who?

    Here's how the Home Office likes to be seen...

    The Home Office works to build a safe, just and tolerant society, by putting protection of the public at the heart of everything it does.

    To protect the public, we focus on six key objectives:

    1. protecting the UK from terrorist attack
    2. cutting crime, especially violent and drug-related crime
    3. ensuring people feel safer in their homes and daily lives, particularly through more visible, responsive and accountable local policing
    4. rebalancing the criminal justice system in favour of the law-abiding majority and the victim
    5. managing offenders to protect the public and reduce re-offending
    6. securing our borders, preventing abuse of our immigration laws and managing migration to benefit the UK.
    Someone's missing their stated TARGETS methinks!

    Tuesday, January 09, 2007

    Saturday, January 06, 2007

    Smoking Gun

    The Beeb reports that three 13-year-olds have been arrested after an armed robbery at a store in Stranraer.

    The robbery happened at Leafield Stores in the town's Woodland Road at about 1400 GMT on Thursday.

    Police said staff at the store were threatened with a handgun during the raid, in which cigarettes and money were stolen.

    The three youths have been bailed to appear at Stranraer Sheriff Court on Monday, police added.

    Did they forget the vodka?

    I await the verdict on this one with some interest.

    For the update see this. Ho hum, old enough to hold up a shop, steal fags and use a 'gun', but not old enough to let us know who they are.

    Friday, January 05, 2007

    ... 3 is a crowd.

    Well, since it's in the public domain now it can be revealed that the Granite City has a paltry two ambulance crews overnight and just one between 3am and 6am.


    Now guess how many other public servants serve you during your 'downtime'?

    Road Taxi Act 2007

    Sky News reports that a cab driver has been accused of speeding in his Vauxhall Cavalier - at 420mph!

    Tom Matthews was snapped in his 12-year-old diesel car in a 30mph zone.

    He received notice of a £60 fine and three penalty points - and then he saw the recorded speed was 420mph.

    "I drive an old Cavalier, not a jumbo jet," Tom, 34, told The Sun. "According to this I've broken the land speed record."

    Tom was clocked as he drove a woman home in Newport, Gwent, at 2.20am.

    Mid and South Wales Safety Camera Partnership apologised and blamed "an employee processing error".

    Tom says he will fight the penalty notice if he has to.

    "There has been a printing error. If they insist I was going that fast I should be a Grand Prix driver - I'm wasted in taxis," he said.

    When these things happen, why oh why does it always happen to those who you know are going to make an issue of the matter and not just laugh it off?

    Now let's all guess what speed he was doing and if that was just a tad over the limit too, but then perhaps he believes there is a Road Taxi Act just for him.

    "Wasted".....that could be the kid, or old lady, that walks out in front of him at that speed.

    It's an amusing clerical error, but still an error of judgement on his part and certainly nothing to be proud of.... speeding is never clever and I speak as Toy Town's very own celebrated cabbie!

    Thursday, January 04, 2007

    Hip Hop Cop?

    Reuters report that Hungarian police have launched a search among their own ranks for two men in police uniform whose hip-hop dance routine has been posted on the video sharing Web site YouTube and local news sites. It was not clear if the two dancers, who are seen gyrating and making obscene gestures, were real policemen.

    The 55-second video appeared under the headline "Bajai hip-hop" referring to the town of Baja in central Hungary on YouTube. "This started as a funny thing but now we are getting questions about it," police spokesman Tamas Nyikos told Reuters.

    If they are found to be genuine members of the police force, their commanding officer would decide whether they had broken any rules and should be punished, he said.

    Having seen the video - all I can say is GUILTY!

    Why am I not surprised?

    AOL News reports that a man whose dog killed five-year-old Ellie Lawrenson has a conviction for drug dealing.

    Kiel Simpson, 23, who is Ellie's uncle, was sentenced to 21 months in a young offenders' institution in 2003 for possessing £24,000 worth of cannabis with intent to supply.

    ..... And he looks like such a nice guy!

    Tuesday, January 02, 2007

    Where'd everyone go?

    Despite my worst fears, the late shift on New Year's Day was a breeze. The town was deserted as if in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust. It must have been a long weekend for those lucky enough to have been off.

    Well there's still this evening's shift to contend with and then the world (north of the border anyway) gets back to normal on Wednesday.

    Hope you all had an equally pleasant and peaceful Hogmanay and New Year's Day.