I have been inspired by this article, reported by the Beeb, to write my first play.
Well if DC can do books, I can do plays!
Main Characters:
PC Noddy – That would be me. Response officer.
TUPC – Sergeant. Recently transferred to Neighbourhood Policing.
Sergeant Simon – Response gaffer.
Inspector Gadget – Response Inspector.
Superintendent Wright – Divisional Commander.
PC Twining – Diversity Monitor.
PC Bloggshe – Neighbourhood Cop.
PC Franky Fact – Old fashioned type. Recently transferred from Tayside.
Mr Scarborough – Local Neighbourhood Watch Coordinator and curtain twitcher.
Mr Richard Bow – Local SNP Councillor and ex-cop.
Mr Fitaloon – Local Tory Council candidate. (No sitting councillors).
Ms Annette Hulett – Local Labour Councillor (prospective).
Mr Vert – Local Green Party Councillor.
Mr Plod – Visiting imaginary observer from Toytown Constabulary.
Scene 1
Setting – Local police office’s response team muster room.
Force Control Room – “Morning Noddy. Could you nip down to see a Mr Brown at the Special Needs School? Someone’s graffiti’d their minibus.”
PC Noddy – “Baskets. How low can you get? On my way.”
Scene 2
Setting – Sergeant’s Office.
PC Noddy – “Sarge, just been down the local special needs school. Someone’s defaced their transport. I’ll crime it as a Vandalism, could you acknowledge this as a priority crime?”
Sergeant Simon – “Will do Noddy. Any leads? CCTV? Have you done the house to house?”
PC Noddy – “Cheers and no, no and yes. I was thinking of doing a press release though and advising PC Bloggshe to see if she can interface with the local youth about this.”
Sergeant Simon – “Spot on.”
Scene 3
Setting – Neighbourhood Policing Office
PC Noddy – “Fit Like Bloggshe?
PC Bloggshe – “Nae three bad loon, fit about you?”
PC Noddy – “I’ve got this turn up at the special needs school, any chance you could dig a little amongst the local yoof and let ‘em know this kind of stuff gives kids a bad name? The thing is I’m now days off and then nights and I’m blowed if I know when I can next get some enquiry time. Anyhow I’m not trained in touchy feely stuff like you.”
PC Bloggshe – “Hang on I’ll check my calendar. Monday – meeting with local councillors, Tuesday – meeting with local residents committee, Wednesday – presentation to WRI, Thursday – should manage a wee dig about then. That do?”
PC Noddy – “Magic.”
Scene 4
Setting – Response Muster Room two weeks thereafter.
PC Noddy – (to no-one in particular and with exaggerated gasp of disbelief) “How the foxtrot uniform charlie kilo do they expect me to have completed this enquiry when I’ve been weekly leave, nights, court duty, public office duty, constant supervision, response jockey etc etc.”
Sergeant Simon – “I take it you’ve had another message from the critical emailing department, me too. By the way the north side are short so I thought you could go over there and crew the car.”
PC Noddy – “Sarge, I don’t want to sound like I’m whining, but that’s the other side of town from the special needs school.”
Sergeant Simon – “I know, but needs must. See if you can fit that enquiry in between calls.”
PC Fact – (in his best Perthshire accent) “You’ve heehaw chance of that Noddy, ken!”
PC Noddy – “Foxtrot Oscar pieman.”
Scene 5
Setting – Sergeant’s Office a further week later.
PC Noddy – “Sarge, you are not going to believe this and it’s not one of my legendary and creative ways of writing off crimes, but some wee neds in hoodies not too busy giving the finger to David Cameron have actually got a conscience and removed all the graffiti aff yon minibus.”
Sergeant Simon – “Have you been drinking that whisky and beer again, Noddy?
PC Noddy – “No, it’s in the P&J too and that proves it must be true (little local irony – Ed.). Trouble is they did it secretive like and that gives us a problem.”
Sergeant Simon – “How? We should be grateful they have seen the errors of their way.”
PC Noddy – “It’s all on CCTV like, two hoodies removing the stuff off the bus. Stood there for an hour, matter of fact like.”
Sergeant Simon – “Excellent. Should be able to identify them then and have a word in their ear.”
PC Noddy – “Slight problem there. They never looked at the camera. What are we going to do? (Note my clever use of the plural thus implicating the stripey!)”
Sergeant Simon – “Leave it to me, I’ll speak to TUPC. Since it’s hoodies, it’s his area of expertise.” (Rings phone.) Good morning TUPC, got a wee problem you might be able to help us with….” (Muffled conversation drowned out by entrance of PC Twining)
PC Twining – “Brew anyone?”
PC Noddy – “White.”
Sergeant Simon – “Black.”
PC Twining – “You guys have to make everything a joke about ethnicity.”
PC Noddy – “No I don’t, I just prefer white. Two sugars by the way.”
Sergeant Simon – “TUPC says he will give the press a call and comment on the article. He’ll say, “We do not condone acts of vandalism of any kind and the targeting of a school for damage is particularly unnecessary. We do however see hope for the future in the actions of these two youths in removing the graffiti, but we would still encourage them to contact the police so we can get to the bottom of who was responsible for this incident.” Fat chance of that, but still we must be seen to get to the bottom of this whole saga.”
Scene 6
Setting – Sergeant’s office about a week later.PC Noddy – “Sarge, I’ve still not got round to solving THE mystery. What are WE going to do now? The file is getting a bit mouldy.”
Sergeant Simon – “Aye, it’s going to be a problem writing this one off what with it being a PRIORITY crime and no detection.”
PC Bloggshe – “Strange though it seems, no-one has come forward.”
PC Noddy – “I’ve had an idea. Let’s just say that since there was no permanent damage then there was no loss through damage or cost of repair and thus it could be no-crimed.”
PC Fact – “Wizzo. Why didnae I think of that?”
TUPC – “First of all thank you for inviting me to this meeting and I’m very pleased to be able to liase and interact in such a joined-up working manner…”
PC Fact – “Get to the point Sarge, we’re busy round these parts.”
TUPC – “The way I see it is that we cannot no crime it given that the Scottish Crime Recording Standards still require us to register that a crime has occurred and undoubtedly it has.”
PC Fact – “Twining, get me a black coffee, I think I’m going to need it.”
PC Twining – “Sorry mate, I only do teas.”
PC Noddy – “OK, Plan B. Let’s say that there has been no loss to the school, but that they were alarmed and annoyed by the actions of the loons…” (Pause for dramatic effect) “Let’s change the crime type to Breach of the Peace. That’s not a PRIORITY crime and won’t attract so much attention.”
PC Fact – “Wizzo Noddy. Genius. You truly have no peer, ken.”
TUPC – “Still a problem though…(Another pause for dramatic effect) “No detection.”
ALL – “Baskets!”
Inspector Gadget – “What are all you lot doing in here? Get out there and patrol like the good public want us to.”
Scene 7
Setting – Conference Room at HQ.
Present –
PC Noddy - Enquiry Officer.
TUPC – Neds are his bag.
PC Bloggshe – Neds are her handbag.
Sergeant Simon – E.O’s Line Manager.
Superintendent Wright – Chair (big, soft and comfy).
PC Twining – Monitoring
PC Fact – Recently transferred to a 8-4 Monday to Friday admin job he loves – not.
Inspector Gadget – Shift Performance Manager/Team Leader
Mr Fitaloon, Mr Scarborough, Ms Hulett, Mr Bow and Mr Vert.
Apologies –
Mr Nicol (Liberal) – asks that Ms Hulett speaks for him in a coalition type way.
The meeting commences…….
Superintendent Wright – “Good afternoon everybody. Hope you are all suitably refreshed after lunch and raring to go?” (PC’s Noddy, Bloggshe, Twining and Fact stifle a guffaw at the words Refresh and Lunch). “The purpose of this meeting is to resolve some of the concerns expressed by various parties regarding the problems associated with the damage to the bus at the special needs school.”
PC Fact – “Aye boss, eftir a’ yon kerfuffle it’s now kent as the Special Neds School!”Superintendent Wright – “Very drole PC Fact. Now to be serious, PC Noddy has been trying to establish who was responsible for this heinous crime. Can you update everybody as to the progress so far please?”
PC Noddy – “Firstly Sir, we’ve downgraded the crime to a ‘Breach’ and passed it over to the Neighbourhood officers as this is no longer considered an appropriate enquiry for Response Officers.”
Superintendent Wright – “Inspector Gadget can you explain to me why such an enquiry as this which has made front page news should be downgraded in such a manner?”
Inspector Gadget – “’Cos it’s pish, Sir. Let’s be frank, sorry PC Fact, but once the kids sorted it, there wasn’t much point putting any resources into this one. It’s a low priority so we handed it to TUPC and his team.”
Mr Vert – “I would only consider this a minor matter if I could be assured that the kids used biodegradable cleansing fluids. If not, I think there is a need for them to be pursued for their transgression in respect of the Pollution Act.”
Mr Fitaloon – “Surely that’s for the Cooncil to follow up and not our overstretched boys in blue.”
Superintendent Wright – “Precisely, Mr Bow can I leave that aspect with you?”
Mr Bow – “Erm, was it on council property? No. Oh well, back to you then. Or you could try SEPA.”
Superintendent Wright – “PC Bloggshe, could you update us how your work with the local youth has been going in trying to unearth the culprits?”
PC Bloggshe – “Not so well. Seems the local youth have taken umbrage at being persecuted especially when they seem to have been remorseful and righted their wrongs. One kid summed it up by raising his middle finger and telling me to rotate.”
Ms Hulett - "Surely he said SPIN."
Superintendent Wright – “It’s not like you to get upset by being given the finger.”
PC Twining – “Sir, that’s not appropriate.”
Superintendent Wright – “I was just being sarcastic. You should understand that PC Bloggshe.”
PC Bloggshe – “Don’t know what you mean, Sir.”
PC Noddy – “Sir, I was just thinking that we might be increasing the alienation of these members of the public by our present tack. If we appear to be persecuting this particular demographic by not recognising the remorse and maturity of their restorative actions, then we stand rightly accused of creating a crevasse of disconnection with the very future of our species. In the long term this could have an exponential resonance far beyond that occasioned by this single incident. In summation, surely we should applaud their recognition of wrong doing and keep the response proportional.”
PC Twining – “Are you speaking Gaelic again Noddy?
Mr Bow – “In my day we would have just clipped them round the ear and then taken them home for their Dads to give them a clip round the other.”
Mr Scarborough – “Hear, hear or not hear, hear.” (Chuckles to himself about his witty punning interjection).
PC Twining – “We don’t do things like that any more.”
TUPC – “Can we get back on subject please?”
Mr Scarborough – “Hear, hear.” (Still chuckling to himself).
PC Twining – “It’s 3.16, anyone for tea?”
Superintendent Wright – “Good idea. I’ll do the honours.”
PC Fact – “Good to see you haven’t forgotten all of the things you learnt as a Probationer!”
Superintendent Wright – “Which station did you say you wouldn’t want to work at for all the tea in china?”
PC Fact – “Touché.”
PC Noddy – (Leaving the room briefly the dutiful and diligent officer radios the control room) “Could you amend my status from unavailable in meeting to refreshing please?”
Scene 8
Setting – Conference Room at HQ fifteen minutes later.
Present – As before, but PC Noddy is missing.
Superintendent Wright – “Where’s Noddy?”
Inspector Gadget – “Well when he put himself refreshing the control room had a shout for him and cancelled him from his cuppa. Should be back soon.”
Superintendent Wright – “We’ll give him five minutes. Anyone else for a fine piece? Bloggshe? Crumpet?”
PC Twining – “Behave, Sir.”
Superintendent Wright – “Ms Hulett? Tart?”
PC Twining – “Sir?”
PC Noddy – “Sorry I’m late.”
Superintendent Wright – “Jammie Dodger, Noddy?”
PC Noddy – “Did I miss something?”
PC Fact – “Boss, it’s 4pm.”
Superintendent Wright – “So it is. Sorry ladies and gentlemen, but we will have to put this on hold.”
PC Noddy – (Whispering to PC Fact) “Basket, there goes the overtime money the wife has already spent!”
Inspector Gadget – (Whispering conspiratorially to PC Noddy and PC Bloggshe) “Doesn’t bother me, getting paid a lump sum anyway.”
Superintendent Wright – “We will resume on Wednesday at 9am.”
Ms Hulett – “No can do. I don’t like Wednesdays.”
Mr Fitaloon – “Thursday’s out as well. Date with a polling station and all that.”
Mr Vert – “Ditto.”
Superintendent Wright – “Friday?”
PC’s Noddy, Twining, Bloggshe, Sergeants TUPC and Simon, Inspector Gadget in unison – “Day off.”
Superintendent Wright – “Don’t suppose anyone’s available on Saturday or Sunday?”
Chorus – “No.”
Superintendent Wright – “No wonder it’s so difficult to expedite these matters.”
Junior Officers in unison – “Welcome to the real world.”
Scene 9
Setting – Corridor outside conference room.
Mr Plod – “You couldn’t make this up.”
Inspector Gadget – “Oi, that’s my line.”
Mr Plod – “Sorry, must stick to the same script eh?”
PC Bloggshe – “Are you all right, Sir?”
PC Noddy – “Yeah Boss, who are you talking to?”
Inspector Gadget – “Oh no, voices in my head.”
PC Noddy – “Twining the boss needs a cuppa and none of that PG Tips rubbish.”
THE END
