Shuttlecockups

DC at one of his private parties gave some helpful advice in return for a cool 250,000 beer tokens, "Please fill a jerry can with pasties and stamps. You don't want to take a chance on shortages." ... and look at the photo they got of him.

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

No brainer

Over on this side of The Pond we often chuckle at the amount of safety equipment the folk that play the strange version of football called American wear.

You would think then, wouldn't you, that a player of that 'game' might just consider appropriate safety equipment before going out on his motor cycle.

It's a no brainer really.

Lucky man!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Viewpoints

The little world of Toytowner's™ most 'famous' inhabitant has been in upheaval and continues to be so. As such I've had little time to update the blog, but here goes with some catch up.

This decision passed with a worldwide whisper once again!

It seems Mrs 'T' was not always a Unionist - well we knew that this side of our border!

I found this article from the Beeb professionally amusing if only for the completely non-diverse nature of the report. Easy now, having a dig at Poles and the Irish all in one article - naughty Auntie.

Some folk will make any excuse for taking a dram.

Certain constituents know just where they are not going to put their 'Y' at the next election.

The nanny state continues unabated with such classics (sic) as this. Keeping on the food tack, this is genuinely more worrying, if of no great surprise.

Equally I worried a bit about the degeneration in what used to be the pillars of society when I read this blurb. Role models? Perhaps they should look no further than the impressive Eddie Izzard.

Finally, for all acrophobics out there this made me wibble and wobble.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Drookit

Intelligence received on 04/09/2009 provides that some 'motorists' think they are invincible.

Despite the presence of the Polis at this flash flood, some 'drivers' still decided they could forge on through the sypit streets.

Oops!

Fireman Sam was busy rescuing them all over the place.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

School's out

There are some obvious reasons why Toy Town's™ Cooncil are somewhat penniless.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Anyone spot this on a front page?

Cop mowed down by balaclava wearing Scooby driver. Yawn.

NOT VERY NEWSWORTHY IS IT?

Get well soon David.

H/T to the Pink Quine for spotting it in the depths of rural news from south of the border, but on a lighter note she found a cracker from our colleagues in Denmark which surpasses even the flip flops farce.

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Too many sherries

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

News Roundup

April Fool's day came early to Toy Town™ as the local Hazmat incident team swung into full farce.

If weeds could read, they would be killing themselves laughing.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

What a lot of weather we've been having!

Icicles 05,
Uploaded by Toytowner.

Any more of this malarky and I will be able to touch this icicle. (Click the photo for more of the same and a bigger view).

Meanwhile it seems that Tesco, whilst apparently cheaper than ASDA, are having to do some DIY.  They are not alone in having holes in the road similar to those created by a small IED and the new sport of dodging the potholes on our local roads.

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Taxi for Tevez

I wish I had been the one to stop this motor! 

What a dummy.

Nice pic over at the Sun of Car Loss Tevez.  Geddit?

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Going for Gold

The ever wonderful Top Gear has a problem.

Given the probable demise of the 'White Stig' and the previous demise of the 'Black Stig', I was contemplating the next colour prefix that could be selected.

In the spirit of diversity and inclusiveness, I had considered the possibility of Pink, but clearly there would be issues if that Stig was ever outed.

I'd thought next of yellow, but that doesn't really conjure up the right macho image.  

Purple was the next brainwave, but I ditched that after considering the Mayhem (sic), Jezza, the Hamster and Captain Slow might create with descriptions of the new Stig's headwear.  

Blue suffers from the same problems and would ensure the programme had a post watershed slot.

Clarkson, "Red Stig - I think not."

Silver sounded good if only for its alliteration, but silver is only second.

Therefore, may I be the first to suggest there is only one alternative.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Jox Vox - Vol. 2

My winter festival celebrations start.... now!

Thanks to UHDD for the pic by the way. I wonder if this place would have looked the same?

Since Xmas Eve I have been carrying out duties as what might be described as a Custody Corporal and there has been one common theme transcending most of the 'customers', a theme it will take you hopefully less than a goldfish's memory span to deduce, but here's a clue....

As can be surmised from the www address of my site, I like my whisky and beer, but for some unknown reason, I do not end up fighting, spitting, caterwauling etc. after a few refreshments. It is my opinion that excess drink can, I say CAN, bring out the worst in folk, but I firmly believe the spark of evil must already be there to be lit, burst into flame and envelop all around in its incandescence.

I have been known to 'binge' drink, but somehow I always make it home safely and don't end up squaring up to folk or thrashing her that has to be obeyed on my return home.

It seems some folk are just disposed to violence and anti-social behaviour and drink is not an excuse for their behaviour, merely a catalyst.

This hogmanay our SMT described the city centre celebrations as a success with few arrests. They are right. The absolute vast majority of the considerable throngs enjoyed themselves without incident. It was the few that failed to heed the equally considerable tolerance of my colleagues, with warnings about extended stays in the suites we provide abounding given that our Sheriffs like their time off (although to be fair the Courts sat last Saturday and will sit tomorrow), that passed through my door mostly, as I said before, horizontally. They were quite simply the dregs. How often and how simply do the Polis have to explain to these vacuous eejits how to be civilised?

I can assure the SMT that down in my little world it was not quiet, but I can accept, having seen the state of the folk in the custody suite that these were the folk that no-one can mitigate against.

DRINK DRIVING?

Added to those were the other clowns (or I could put it more succinctly - potential killers) who, despite warning after warning and campaign after campaign, arrived after blowing positive roadside breathtests. I have no sympathy for them either and I hope their bans are extended and fines increased to show how ignorant and inconsiderate they are particularly at this time of year.

Anyhoo, must stop moaning.

Back to the news from Alba.

Down in the Central Belt there's folk who obviously haven't been to Torry.

In the wonderful world of disputes over nothing, this one takes 2008's special prize. At least his sentence was long enough so that he didn't 'get off' with community service.

Here's a festive turn suited to the Special Branch.

If you ever visit the Gordon Highlander's Museum be sure to give the cafe staff a nice tip. That made me proud of my country folk.

This didn't ... In the Polis we are regularly faced with violence. Unwarranted as it is, we at least have some protection. These folk don't and the level of violence shown to them is a disgrace.

There has to be one festive entry regarding political correctness gone mad and this is it.

Having trawled the news for snippets for you to savour, it's back to drink again! I'm told it's a national pastime.

Drunk driver or driven to drink?

Polis spoilsports?

I posted about this and this a while back and I am delighted with the common sense result. However, there may be problems with other names that have been suggested for some of Scotland's brews.

Mind you there's folk down south who don't even need a drink to make a tit of themselves.

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~ Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Slainte.

© McNoddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

One for Dickiebo

Some of you may recall the furore over the non-diverse nature of the standard Highway Code sign for wrinklies trying to cross the road.

I'm glad to report that suggestions have now been submitted for a more PC replacement.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

In the Summertime

I'm back from my gallivanting and can I be the first to say "Ha Ha Mourinho."

The weather has been mixed (that's Doric for shite), but for a change it appears those southwards have not been overly blessed with sunshine. Being a typical Scot me and the sunshine don't exactly see eye to eye, inasmuch as mair freckles and red raw skin are nae my cup o' tea. However, a wee bit more rays would not have gone amiss.

Typically, I had to go to the end of the earth (well to she who has to be obeyed's family croft) to get the best weather!



Up in these parts the sheep are always happy.

So, what else has been happening since I was away. The youngest got all his Standard Grades (what used to be 'O' grades/levels) and all top grades too. I think back to his early days and his autistic spectrum 'problems' and this is nothing short of amazing. He deserved his large hug fae his Pa! (Somehow I think he will be looking for something more material though).

The eldest turns 21 today. It is time he was given the key to his own bleedin' door! (I'm joking loon!)

One thing I will say is that having spent a ridiculous amount of time behind some clown on the A9 who didn't read the bit in the Highway Code about CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER ROAD USERS, this is far overdue, even if it is being supported by another clown, who will be safe in the knowledge that his adored team will not be disgracing themselves in Europe. Well, off the pitch anyway!!!!

So what's been going on since I've been away in the hive of activity that is the Highlands?

Georgia beat Russia ............ in the quine's beach volleyball at the Olympix anyway. I know, I was transfixed by this event. I even found out from the commentary team that the 2 Georgians were Brazilians. I know the outfits were skimpy, but how did they know that? I've heard of drug testing, but rug testing....... I'll get my hiviz.

But, otherwise most of the news has been crap.

In pseudo DBA Dude booze review mode, I can report that, whilst away, I popped into a Teuchter Tesco (f.a.o. AnneDroid - anither 'een!) and found this smashing wee drop. I should have bought more 'cos it has yet to hit Tesco's shelves locally.

Back to work next week, so maybe something Polis related to follow, but mind, I have a life!

Listening to: Mungo Jerry - In The Summertime via FoxyTunes

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

PUNishment

Check out this Judge's conclusion to a recent case here.

Sometimes our Judiciary get right to the point and arrow in precisely on the target.

With such accurate wit perhaps the Sheriff should consider a stint at Bow Street.

Bullseye!

I'll get my hiviz......

Listening to: Sparks - Fletcher Honorama
via FoxyTunes

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Road Hogs

For older Toy Town™ based readers who remember Lawson's piggie lorries, this is not something you see that often these days.....

"It was a terrible scene, Pigs everywhere."

Captions welcome.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Fàilte gu Alba

Far be it from me to suggest that there has been a bit of plagiarism over at Follyrood and the STB, but the new 'Corporate' banner for the bestest wee nation on planet earth does seem to be a bit familiar!

It certainly beats the Canadians' efforts vis-a-vis "Come see our beavers."

Meanwhile up here in Welcome to Toy Town™ land, the locals are in a huff over monoglot bendy-buses. Mind you, there is a need to be careful about things that you put on the backs of buses. We wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of the law now would we?

On another tack, I have to say I'm humbled to be the recipient of a Twining Oscar.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

A bridge too far

Every so often I wonder which planet the Eurocrats live on.

According to the P&J, more than 200 Highland bridges are in breach of European weight limits and should not be carrying articulated lorries, it has emerged.

Eight years after a European directive came into force, almost a third of road bridges in the region have still not been strengthened to take 40-tonne vehicles.

Bridges on B-roads at Merkadale, on Skye, and Letters near Ullapool, are among the 227 which are in breach of the safety limits.

About 90 structures in the Highlands have been upgraded at a cost of £1million per year. It is predicted that it would cost about £60million to strengthen the remaining 227 bridges.

David MacKenzie, the Highland Council's chief engineer, said that all the affected bridges were still safe to use for ordinary motorists.

Have you seen the sort of countryside roads up our way. 40 tonne artics - lucky if you can get a horse and cart up some of these drover's paths.

PC MacFaraway, Ardnamurchan - "Calling HQ. Re this RTC involving a lorry and the new Eurobridge. There's an allegation of excess speed. Could I have a tachograph examination trained officer attend please?"

HQ, Inverness - "Roger. Hold." .....................

HQ - "Calling PC MacFaraway. Roger. Tomorrow do?"

(Picture of Cromdale Bridge courtesy of the ickle bruvver).

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

More Bollards

Scots Law, not just criminal, but civil too, is a wee bit different to that practised down south. Occasionally, as reminded to me by a recent call, it can seem a bit crass.

Here's the scenario. Non-resident parks various cars in a private car parking area. He's asked politely to move same. What can the law do for the residents when he ignores the requests?

Up hereabouts, very little unless you want to pursue the miscreant in the civil courts for actual financial loss as a result. That would be pretty difficult to prove and bleedin' costly.

You can't tow away - a previous High Court ruling deemed that Theft.

You can't use wheel locks and claim reparation - a previous High Court ruling deemed that Theft and Extortion.

All you can do is secure the parking area with barriers or bollards.

The resident I spoke to tells me they are to install something similar to this, about which I posted a good while ago.

I'm off to watch the fun!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Reality Check

Pc Sherlock (a fine name for a Polisman if ever there was) of Cumbria Constabulary lies seriously injured in hospital today due to two thieving teenage tearaway's thoughtlessness.

My thoughts are with Jonathan and his ain folk.

I hope he's home soon.


© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times