I do believe that despite protests elsewhere, Auntie Beeb is plumbing even newer depths in toilet humour, though I do find Hacker somewhat fetching in his silver number.
© Bumpy Dog
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Here in Toyland™, we have been under a constant white carpet and sub zero temperatures for nigh on three weeks now, with no end in sight.
For a wee while now I have been occasionally bleeterin' on about certain ales.
I am fair chuffed with this response from a local micro-brewery.
Which leads nicely onto this nonsense.
I recall a time when a certain 'co-operative' consisting of a Copper, a Nurse, a G.P. and a Social Worker helped each other out with childcare. Funnily enough, despite all that, all the weans appear to be well-adjusted.
p.s. Hat tip to the Loon for both links.
The little world of Toytowner's™ most 'famous' inhabitant has been in upheaval and continues to be so. As such I've had little time to update the blog, but here goes with some catch up.
This decision passed with a worldwide whisper once again!
It seems Mrs 'T' was not always a Unionist - well we knew that this side of our border!
I found this article from the Beeb professionally amusing if only for the completely non-diverse nature of the report. Easy now, having a dig at Poles and the Irish all in one article - naughty Auntie.
Some folk will make any excuse for taking a dram.
Certain constituents know just where they are not going to put their 'Y' at the next election.
The nanny state continues unabated with such classics (sic) as this. Keeping on the food tack, this is genuinely more worrying, if of no great surprise.
Equally I worried a bit about the degeneration in what used to be the pillars of society when I read this blurb. Role models? Perhaps they should look no further than the impressive Eddie Izzard.
Finally, for all acrophobics out there this made me wibble and wobble.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Those of you who make it to the bottom of my front page (so that would be no-one - ed.) will see that I post a link to the ever wonderful Being 5 comic strip.
Those of you old enough to appreciate the targeted wit involved in this treatise on the generation gap will also grasp the reference to one of Alf Garnett's catchphrases I have utilised as the post header.
The latest strip rightly deserves a top billing.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
.... the hornies over the pond get stuck right into their feral yoofs.
You might have noticed from my sidebar that due to the apparent demise of fellow Polis bloggers, I appear to be the only Polisperson posting from north of the border.
I feel it incumbent upon me then to keep everybody up to date with the weird and wonderful happenings, Polis related or otherwise, up in the frozen wastelands of God's own country.
Following on from what might be considered the pilot post, I have decided to post regularly on such matters and I have these following offerings for you.
BBC NEWS | Scotland | North East/N Isles | Pub-goers to be tested for drugs
Random drug testing attacked - Press & Journal
Well at least it's a better plan than this or this.
Maybe Mr Rumbles should have a peek at this before he opens his mouth and puts his foot in it.
Twining will like this snippet.
Up here in Draconia we still occasionally persecute, sorry prosecute, very wee weans. But just to level the playing field, I believe adults will now have to suffer like the little children. It's significant that once the pain is to be meted out on adults, a furore starts. I did warn you. A crafty US judge has taken this principle even further.
We have just celebrated St Andrew's Day and Gadget will be interested to note this ovine method of marking the occasion.
You can read this snippet and make your own mind up. I have. Get off your behind, quine.
A while back I bleetered on about prostitution. I think that the Polis are going to say to the Law Makers, "We told you so."
By far and away my favourite snippet recently has to be the Spiderpig debacle. Brilliant.
As regular visitors will know, I have a passion for whisky (in moderation of course) and our wonderful Chancellor and his boss, despite being Scots, seem determined to destroy the industry and dent my pocket. I have four related offerings to mull over whilst you sip (very slowly) your dram.
Outrage at tax raid on the whisky industry - Press & Journal
Excise duty increase leaves a bitter taste - Press & Journal
BBC NEWS | Scotland | 'Whisky sour' claim after Budget
BBC NEWS | Scotland | Whisky duty rise 'to be revised'
I cannot leave you without commenting on what's happening down south. The new Government inspired (tongue firmly in cheek) Police Pledges leave me awestruck and this article's heading sums it up;
Police will respond quicker to burglary victims if they are 'upset' - Telegraph
I have yet to entertain a genuine complaint of housebreaking from a cheerful householder! I'll let Jacquie Spliff know when I do.
Secondly, I note there's been a bit of a stooshie over some CCTV footage again. Don't mess with me has posted the most illuminating take on this in my view. I also direct you to a previous post on the Perils of CCTV from my good self.
Finally, Jox Vox rule.
© McNoddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
A wee round-up of happenings north of Watford Gap.
Lost and Found.
A Toy Town™ Polis spokestoon commented, "We are glad to see the wee bear back with Piglet, Eeyore and the gang. Winnie has a serious pot habit (honey that is- ed.) and he was persuaded by some clever but unscrupulous types to venture into Toy Town™ to source his stash. Fortunately, we combed the city and in the bees nest that is Hundred Acre Hood, during a co-ordinated intelligence-led sting operation our colleagues traced Winnie. Toy Town™ Polis would like to take this opportunity to reiterate that it will not tolerate the kidnapping of toons."
PC Milne (no relative) added, "I'm glad he didn't come to a sticky end."
"A 13-year-old girl who has had four sexual partners, smokes dope, drinks beer and has been excluded from school 40 times is considered "sweet" by her mother and given cigarettes as rewards for good behaviour."
I was researching (sounds good eh?) another post when I came across the headline above and the full report in the Daily Torygraph. Please read it. It beggars belief and is a sad indictment of modern Britain.
Now, if it had been in the Daily Wail I might have just shrugged it off, but given it's in an allegedly respectable publication, for some unknown reason I began to weep uncontrollably.
Whatever next?
© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Heard the one about the children's home not accepting their runaways back at 2am because the other cherubs were 'settled' and the influx of the returnees would disturb the others?
Laugh, I nearly choked.
Sticking on topic for a change, on two occasions recently, when asking parents for a photo of their missing weans, I was amazed (well not really) to be advised they didn't have such a thing. That speaks volumes to me.
Mind you there's no test before you have kids, but sometimes I wish there was.
Meanwhile below there's a few snippets I read which might help understanding some kids.
Autism in girls may be missed.
Let's not turn our back on troubled children.
Parents need lessons in ADHD.
It also seems we are persecuting our future generation according to Barnardos.
Kids, who'd have 'em.
© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Imagine giving a bairn such a daft moniker (sic).
It's amazing the level to which folk will sink. Having said that, I know of one poor soul in my parish who has all the surnames of the championship winning Celtic team of his year of birth as his forenames.
Listening to: Tori Amos - Talula
via FoxyTunes
p.s. I did like the choice of B&H though.
© Big Ears
Published by Toy Town™ Times
According to the Torygraph, a 366 page guide (How many pages?) from the NCB has these observations for carers of toddlers....
"Toddlers who turn their noses up at spicy food from overseas could be branded racists by a Government-sponsored agency.
The National Children's Bureau, which receives £12 million a year, mainly from Government funded organisations, has issued guidance to play leaders and nursery teachers advising them to be alert for racist incidents among youngsters in their care.
This could include a child of as young as three who says "yuk" in response to being served unfamiliar foreign food."
Hat Tip to First In for highlighting this bit of PC nonsense, although apparently it is only an ENGLISH problem.
What a pizza nonsense. Now I'm not one to curry favour with the non-diverse elements in our populous, but this sort of tripe is fodder to them. (I'll get my reflective jacket...)
Psalms 8:2: Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies, that thou might still the enemy and the avenger.
Matthew 21:16: And said unto him, Hear thou what these say? And Jesus said unto them, Yea; have ye never read, Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?
p.s. I suspect the photo's unintentional undertones, on so many levels, will offend or appal someone, somewhere, but it's cute!
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
It's OK, none of my colleagues have been posted as missing, it's just a quick jibe at the world of jobsworths.
There seems to be a growing collection of them spread about the country kicking up a stink about the pettiest of misdemeanours.
Don't worry though, because soon minor offences wont go anywhere near attracting a spell in pokey.
Sometimes, I wonder who lives in the land of make-believe!
© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times
I have a plan.
It appears that benefit office staff are having a hard time with their sums and the rascals in Toy Town™ are cunningly taking advantage of this inability to cope with basic maths.
As you can see, I have been assembling evidential photographs of my new weans and am just off to fill in a few forms.
Remember Christmas is just 218 shopping days away.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
You know that old chestnut that if you ban something, you just make it more attractive.
Well it's time to buy shares in Heinz and any other squidgy sauce products.
Mind you, I have mentioned the lethal effects of eggs before and whatever happened to good old fashioned shaving foam?
Whatever will be next on the banned list?
© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times
There is much in the news today, but surely this report should take the front page.
Modern day weans probably don't get to partake in this ancient sport any more due to the H&S crowd or some PC nonsense about banning armed combat at skools, but I remember well all the tricks of the trade, like soaking my nuts in vinegar to get that extra edge.
I'm glad to see some skools are still at it - so to speak.
Caution - there are pictures of kids at the last link, but their identities have been obscured. That's nice.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Kids are top billing in the news of late. First off there is the completely loopy suggestion from Lord Goldsmith, which will go down really well in Nationalist sectors of the UK. Some folk see it as a good idea. I'm not convinced. Perhaps the kids in Glasgow could all assemble at Celtic Park to take their oath!
Then there's the poor kids being stressed out by homework. Self-discipline anyone?
And finally, I hear the CPS in England & Wales are admitting their failures. Perhaps they should get hold of this whizzkid.
But rest assured me and my mates have already sworn our allegiance to Queen Elizabeth and here's the proof...
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Sticking to the education theme, this article from the Beeb amused me. Not least because up in these pairts the landward locals have a reputation they'd rather not have amongst certain central-belters.
I wondered if the kids also get to go to the slaughterhouse and see their cuddly little balls of fluff get the chop? Now that's reality.
In Toyland™ the sheep are not just sheep, they are educational tools and good friends!
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
I'm very humbled that certain folk have missed me and others have worried that the rubber heelers have sussed me out.
The simple fact is that there have been a number of unrelated reasons why this blog has not figured high in my priorities of late.
Firstly, I have recently changed ISP, upgraded my PC's memory and added a DVD rewriter and oh how I like playing with my new toys! Speaking of which there's now a Playstation 3 and Nintendo Wii to enjoy as well. I should grow up and yesterday I did. OK, I will forgive all of you for forgetting to wish me well.
Secondly, I have changed beat and as Gazza will confirm, WOW, quelle difference. Having suffered the PAIN of patrolling the very hub of Toytown™, I now look after a morass of sink estates and bizarrely this has proved so much more fun and a tonic to my weary body.
I now have time to breathe between calls and (apologies for the boss speak) am so much more pro-active. My intel stats and performance measured activities have sky-rocketed and YOU know how important that is these days.
I come home with a smile and go to work actually looking forward to a shift (well as much as anyone loves going to work!) Long may it continue.
This has had the effect of me being considerably less stressed at work and at home.
Accordingly, I have become a human again (well as human as a Copper ever can) and humans do more than sit in front of the internet grumbling about their job being shafted by Politicos. I think it is no coincidence then that the best (or most consistent) bloggers are fellow response officers, who are suffering the result of incessant tampering with the way the job is approached. You should therefore logically be able to measure my level of stress by the quantity of posts I submit. Please tell me how I'm getting on if you start to worry!
I'm not one to kiss and tell when it comes to calls I attend, well not until a fair bit of dust has settled, but my return to the wonders of policing cooncil estates has encouraged me to spill the beans on one I went to on the last set of Nights.
I received a hurried point to point from one of my female colleagues advising things were 'a little heated' at her call. She was with another female colleague at a flat trying to extricate a teenaged quine from her father on the instructions of the equally overstretched and thus absent SWD.
Big Daddy (see below) wasn't having any of it. My male colleague and I blued and two'd it down to their locus and ran up the stairs to see a doppelgänger for 'five bellies' yelling the usual bravado at us including the fact that he would, "spik to youse quines, but I'm nae spikin to yon twa fucking cunts." I retorted with a, "Nice to meet you too Sir."
He went on to advise us that it would take more than me and my colleagues to remove the wean. I took this to mean he would stand sideways in the corridor and effectively block any light with his belly, but apparently he was ready for a fight according to my colleagues as their fingers were itching over their CS sprays. I am such an optimist! Anyway, using God's best weapon we gobshited our way out of the hovel masquerading as a house with the wean, who incidentally was nearly awarded an Oscar for her panic attack scene.
Now all this took place well past bedtime (about 3.30 am) and in all the accompanying yelling and wailing (mainly from me, because my refreshment was chilling in the Microwave where I'd hurriedly left it) WE had woken an upstairs resident, who in wonderfully feminine and erudite language advised us WE had woken two of her precious wee darlings and wished the "fucking pigs" an early death and questioned our parentage from a now widely opened and surprisingly intact window of the close's top landing.
It's great to be appreciated for all the work we do.
Back soonish.
p.s.
There was a third reason for not posting i.e. there's been a lot of footie on the telly, but I will not be spurred on to elucidate on that!
© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Kids, who'd have 'em? Well, apparently the Russians would.
Now that's what I call a boot camp.
What with 4 year old Toytowners™ committing housebreakings (burglaries) and 1/3 of teenagers drinking to get drunk (?) this kind of alternative form of community service seems like it might not be as cruel as first thought, though it does make the mind boggle that the Germans came up with the idea, what with their history.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
