Thursday, April 26, 2007

Confucious say....

"Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated."

Well I've got really good news for the ladies, or rather Reuters do.

What amused me was how long it's going to take to build. Surely it will be longer after all the changes of mind about what goes where!

News Roll Up

The first entry is a bit of a mish-mash, but both stories are tenuously related and come from Plymouth. Firstly, there was the frankly unbelievable report quoted by Sky News about the four women pictured (and by the way I love the Mum's 'Jazz Hands') who 'encouraged' weans to fight each other.

Having seen them in all their glory, it will come as no surprise that Plymouth has been voted the most unfashionably dressed city in the UK, as reported by the Beeb. Not saying too much on that given that guess where came second.

Did I mention that the blues won last night. My head tells me they did!

I don't know if you have been following the Angelika Kluk murder trial, but each day this becomes more like a script for EastEnders. Extra-marital affairs, Sex with Priests, Sheriffs, Polish Immigrants.... whatever next!

Finally, and one I've been itching to report, but it was sub-judice till now. The only thing wrong was the old fashioned collar and tie. And just in case you wonder, the shoulder number was 0069!

Errors of my way?

I have been inspired by this article, reported by the Beeb, to write my first play.

Well if DC can do books, I can do plays!

Main Characters:

PC Noddy – That would be me. Response officer.

TUPC – Sergeant. Recently transferred to Neighbourhood Policing.
Sergeant Simon – Response gaffer.
Inspector Gadget – Response Inspector.
Superintendent Wright – Divisional Commander.

PC Twining – Diversity Monitor.
PC Bloggshe – Neighbourhood Cop.
PC Franky Fact – Old fashioned type. Recently transferred from Tayside.

Mr Scarborough – Local Neighbourhood Watch Coordinator and curtain twitcher.
Mr Richard Bow – Local SNP Councillor and ex-cop.

Mr Fitaloon – Local Tory Council candidate. (No sitting councillors).
Ms Annette Hulett – Local Labour Councillor (prospective).
Mr Vert – Local Green Party Councillor.
Mr Plod – Visiting imaginary observer from Toytown Constabulary.

Scene 1

Setting – Local police office’s response team muster room.

Force Control Room “Morning Noddy. Could you nip down to see a Mr Brown at the Special Needs School? Someone’s graffiti’d their minibus.”

PC Noddy “Baskets. How low can you get? On my way.”

Scene 2

Setting – Sergeant’s Office.

PC Noddy
“Sarge, just been down the local special needs school. Someone’s defaced their transport. I’ll crime it as a Vandalism, could you acknowledge this as a priority crime?”

Sergeant Simon “Will do Noddy. Any leads? CCTV? Have you done the house to house?”

PC Noddy
“Cheers and no, no and yes. I was thinking of doing a press release though and advising PC Bloggshe to see if she can interface with the local youth about this.”

Sergeant Simon
“Spot on.”

Scene 3

Setting – Neighbourhood Policing Office

PC Noddy
“Fit Like Bloggshe?

PC Bloggshe “Nae three bad loon, fit about you?”

PC Noddy
“I’ve got this turn up at the special needs school, any chance you could dig a little amongst the local yoof and let ‘em know this kind of stuff gives kids a bad name? The thing is I’m now days off and then nights and I’m blowed if I know when I can next get some enquiry time. Anyhow I’m not trained in touchy feely stuff like you.”

PC Bloggshe “Hang on I’ll check my calendar. Monday – meeting with local councillors, Tuesday – meeting with local residents committee, Wednesday – presentation to WRI, Thursday – should manage a wee dig about then. That do?”

PC Noddy “Magic.”

Scene 4

Setting – Response Muster Room two weeks thereafter.

PC Noddy
(to no-one in particular and with exaggerated gasp of disbelief) “How the foxtrot uniform charlie kilo do they expect me to have completed this enquiry when I’ve been weekly leave, nights, court duty, public office duty, constant supervision, response jockey etc etc.”

Sergeant Simon
“I take it you’ve had another message from the critical emailing department, me too. By the way the north side are short so I thought you could go over there and crew the car.”

PC Noddy “Sarge, I don’t want to sound like I’m whining, but that’s the other side of town from the special needs school.”

Sergeant Simon “I know, but needs must. See if you can fit that enquiry in between calls.”

PC Fact
(in his best Perthshire accent) “You’ve heehaw chance of that Noddy, ken!”

PC Noddy “Foxtrot Oscar pieman.”

Scene 5

Setting – Sergeant’s Office a further week later

PC Noddy
“Sarge, you are not going to believe this and it’s not one of my legendary and creative ways of writing off crimes, but some wee neds in hoodies not too busy giving the finger to David Cameron have actually got a conscience and removed all the graffiti aff yon minibus.”

Sergeant Simon
“Have you been drinking that whisky and beer again, Noddy?

PC Noddy
“No, it’s in the P&J too and that proves it must be true (little local irony – Ed.). Trouble is they did it secretive like and that gives us a problem.”

Sergeant Simon
“How? We should be grateful they have seen the errors of their way.”

PC Noddy
“It’s all on CCTV like, two hoodies removing the stuff off the bus. Stood there for an hour, matter of fact like.”

Sergeant Simon
“Excellent. Should be able to identify them then and have a word in their ear.”

PC Noddy
“Slight problem there. They never looked at the camera. What are we going to do? (Note my clever use of the plural thus implicating the stripey!)”

Sergeant Simon
“Leave it to me, I’ll speak to TUPC. Since it’s hoodies, it’s his area of expertise.” (Rings phone.) Good morning TUPC, got a wee problem you might be able to help us with….” (Muffled conversation drowned out by entrance of PC Twining)

PC Twining
“Brew anyone?”

PC Noddy

Sergeant Simon

PC Twining “You guys have to make everything a joke about ethnicity.”

PC Noddy
“No I don’t, I just prefer white. Two sugars by the way.”

Sergeant Simon
“TUPC says he will give the press a call and comment on the article. He’ll say, “We do not condone acts of vandalism of any kind and the targeting of a school for damage is particularly unnecessary. We do however see hope for the future in the actions of these two youths in removing the graffiti, but we would still encourage them to contact the police so we can get to the bottom of who was responsible for this incident.” Fat chance of that, but still we must be seen to get to the bottom of this whole saga.”

Scene 6

Setting – Sergeant’s office about a week later.

PC Noddy “Sarge, I’ve still not got round to solving THE mystery. What are WE going to do now? The file is getting a bit mouldy.”

Sergeant Simon
“Aye, it’s going to be a problem writing this one off what with it being a PRIORITY crime and no detection.”

PC Bloggshe
“Strange though it seems, no-one has come forward.”

PC Noddy
“I’ve had an idea. Let’s just say that since there was no permanent damage then there was no loss through damage or cost of repair and thus it could be no-crimed.”

PC Fact
“Wizzo. Why didnae I think of that?”

“First of all thank you for inviting me to this meeting and I’m very pleased to be able to liase and interact in such a joined-up working manner…”

PC Fact
“Get to the point Sarge, we’re busy round these parts.”

“The way I see it is that we cannot no crime it given that the Scottish Crime Recording Standards still require us to register that a crime has occurred and undoubtedly it has.”

PC Fact
“Twining, get me a black coffee, I think I’m going to need it.”

PC Twining
“Sorry mate, I only do teas.”

PC Noddy
“OK, Plan B. Let’s say that there has been no loss to the school, but that they were alarmed and annoyed by the actions of the loons…” (Pause for dramatic effect) “Let’s change the crime type to Breach of the Peace. That’s not a PRIORITY crime and won’t attract so much attention.”

PC Fact
“Wizzo Noddy. Genius. You truly have no peer, ken.”

“Still a problem though…(Another pause for dramatic effect) “No detection.”


Inspector Gadget
“What are all you lot doing in here? Get out there and patrol like the good public want us to.”

Scene 7

Setting – Conference Room at HQ.


PC Noddy - Enquiry Officer.

TUPC – Neds are his bag.

PC Bloggshe – Neds are her handbag.

Sergeant Simon – E.O’s Line Manager.
Superintendent Wright – Chair (big, soft and comfy).

PC Twining – Monitoring

PC Fact – Recently transferred to a 8-4 Monday to Friday admin job he loves – not.

Inspector Gadget – Shift Performance Manager/Team Leader

Mr Fitaloon, Mr Scarborough, Ms Hulett, Mr Bow and Mr Vert.


Mr Nicol (Liberal) – asks that Ms Hulett speaks for him in a coalition type way.

The meeting commences…….

Superintendent Wright
“Good afternoon everybody. Hope you are all suitably refreshed after lunch and raring to go?” (PC’s Noddy, Bloggshe, Twining and Fact stifle a guffaw at the words Refresh and Lunch). “The purpose of this meeting is to resolve some of the concerns expressed by various parties regarding the problems associated with the damage to the bus at the special needs school.”

PC Fact
“Aye boss, eftir a’ yon kerfuffle it’s now kent as the Special Neds School!”

Superintendent Wright “Very drole PC Fact. Now to be serious, PC Noddy has been trying to establish who was responsible for this heinous crime. Can you update everybody as to the progress so far please?”

PC Noddy “Firstly Sir, we’ve downgraded the crime to a ‘Breach’ and passed it over to the Neighbourhood officers as this is no longer considered an appropriate enquiry for Response Officers.”

Superintendent Wright
“Inspector Gadget can you explain to me why such an enquiry as this which has made front page news should be downgraded in such a manner?”

Inspector Gadget
“’Cos it’s pish, Sir. Let’s be frank, sorry PC Fact, but once the kids sorted it, there wasn’t much point putting any resources into this one. It’s a low priority so we handed it to TUPC and his team.”

Mr Vert
“I would only consider this a minor matter if I could be assured that the kids used biodegradable cleansing fluids. If not, I think there is a need for them to be pursued for their transgression in respect of the Pollution Act.”

Mr Fitaloon
“Surely that’s for the Cooncil to follow up and not our overstretched boys in blue.”

Superintendent Wright
“Precisely, Mr Bow can I leave that aspect with you?”

Mr Bow
“Erm, was it on council property? No. Oh well, back to you then. Or you could try SEPA.”

Superintendent Wright
“PC Bloggshe, could you update us how your work with the local youth has been going in trying to unearth the culprits?”

PC Bloggshe
“Not so well. Seems the local youth have taken umbrage at being persecuted especially when they seem to have been remorseful and righted their wrongs. One kid summed it up by raising his middle finger and telling me to rotate.”

Ms Hulett - "Surely he said SPIN."

Superintendent Wright
“It’s not like you to get upset by being given the finger.”

PC Twining “Sir, that’s not appropriate.”

Superintendent Wright
“I was just being sarcastic. You should understand that PC Bloggshe.”

PC Bloggshe
“Don’t know what you mean, Sir.”

PC Noddy
“Sir, I was just thinking that we might be increasing the alienation of these members of the public by our present tack. If we appear to be persecuting this particular demographic by not recognising the remorse and maturity of their restorative actions, then we stand rightly accused of creating a crevasse of disconnection with the very future of our species. In the long term this could have an exponential resonance far beyond that occasioned by this single incident. In summation, surely we should applaud their recognition of wrong doing and keep the response proportional.”

PC Twining
“Are you speaking Gaelic again Noddy?

Mr Bow
“In my day we would have just clipped them round the ear and then taken them home for their Dads to give them a clip round the other.”

Mr Scarborough
“Hear, hear or not hear, hear.” (Chuckles to himself about his witty punning interjection).

PC Twining
“We don’t do things like that any more.”

“Can we get back on subject please?”

Mr Scarborough
“Hear, hear.” (Still chuckling to himself).

PC Twining
“It’s 3.16, anyone for tea?”

Superintendent Wright
“Good idea. I’ll do the honours.”

PC Fact
“Good to see you haven’t forgotten all of the things you learnt as a Probationer!”

Superintendent Wright
“Which station did you say you wouldn’t want to work at for all the tea in china?”

PC Fact “Touché.”

PC Noddy
(Leaving the room briefly the dutiful and diligent officer radios the control room) “Could you amend my status from unavailable in meeting to refreshing please?”

Scene 8

Setting – Conference Room at HQ fifteen minutes later.

Present As before, but PC Noddy is missing.

Superintendent Wright
“Where’s Noddy?”

Inspector Gadget “Well when he put himself refreshing the control room had a shout for him and cancelled him from his cuppa. Should be back soon.”

Superintendent Wright
“We’ll give him five minutes. Anyone else for a fine piece? Bloggshe? Crumpet?”

PC Twining
“Behave, Sir.”

Superintendent Wright
“Ms Hulett? Tart?”

PC Twining

PC Noddy
“Sorry I’m late.”

Superintendent Wright
“Jammie Dodger, Noddy?”

PC Noddy
“Did I miss something?”

PC Fact “Boss, it’s 4pm.”

Superintendent Wright
“So it is. Sorry ladies and gentlemen, but we will have to put this on hold.”

PC Noddy
(Whispering to PC Fact) “Basket, there goes the overtime money the wife has already spent!”

Inspector Gadget (Whispering conspiratorially to PC Noddy and PC Bloggshe) “Doesn’t bother me, getting paid a lump sum anyway.”

Superintendent Wright
“We will resume on Wednesday at 9am.”

Ms Hulett
“No can do. I don’t like Wednesdays.”

Mr Fitaloon
“Thursday’s out as well. Date with a polling station and all that.”

Mr Vert

Superintendent Wright

PC’s Noddy, Twining, Bloggshe, Sergeants TUPC and Simon, Inspector Gadget in unison “Day off.”

Superintendent Wright
“Don’t suppose anyone’s available on Saturday or Sunday?”


Superintendent Wright “No wonder it’s so difficult to expedite these matters.”

Junior Officers in unison
“Welcome to the real world.”

Scene 9

Setting – Corridor outside conference room.

Mr Plod “You couldn’t make this up.”

Inspector Gadget “Oi, that’s my line.”

Mr Plod
“Sorry, must stick to the same script eh?”

PC Bloggshe
“Are you all right, Sir?”

PC Noddy
“Yeah Boss, who are you talking to?”

Inspector Gadget
“Oh no, voices in my head.”

PC Noddy
“Twining the boss needs a cuppa and none of that PG Tips rubbish.”


Sunday, April 22, 2007

Just three more words

Why aye man!

This Geordie doesn't like smog. For today I don't like Geordies! Thank God for smog or it could have been all over.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Miss Pink Cat reports

Good afternoon readers. I hope you are all feline fine. It's been a purrfect week for me.

Firstly, there was that old softy Gadget going all gushy over his new kitty.

Secondly, Twining 'came out' and revealed what a handsome pinko he is. I have decided to shun Mr Plod's advances because he doesn't have stripes like my new paramour, although I've always fancied a wee dalliance with a Black Panther - you know what they say eh?

Must dash off and pen a few lines for the local rag known as the Scratching Post and then try and hook up with PeePee. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Hopping Mad

Austrian Police are definitely not fluffy bunny lovers according to the Register.

I found the whole episode quite hareraising and given that it's springtime and you know what the floppy eared brigade get up to at this time of year, I will be especially careful when hanging up my smalls in the garden.

Time to go to work so must stop rabbiting.....

Friday, April 13, 2007

It's our cup

Trouble now is which ones?

We've got one, we are up against the hub cap stealers in another, Sunday should see us in another final and we are only 3 points behind, 3 points behind...

It is getting tense.

11 years ago me and the boys visited the Nou Camp and got to see the one that probably matters most this season. Hope I get to see JT lift it this year.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Big Ears reports

Hello Toytown readers, it's me Large Lugs 'ere to update you on all that has been going on in the gardens of Scotland of late.

Firstly, I would like to say how delighted I was with this piece of Sterling Police work (geddit?). Personally, I think that the sentence did not reflect the mass kidnapping that went on.

Secondly, I had to comment on this. I think he would have been better off trying this tack rather than spouting the usual shoot yourself in the foot nonsense that those convicted of racist incidents come out with such as, "I am not even racist - I attend an international church where 30% of the congregation are coloured." Oops. I think he said a bad word.

Finally, my dear friend Mr Weed at the Gnome Office has been doing a bit of reorganisation and he tells me there will be a bit more Justice. Noddy tells me that is what he puts in his whisky.

What's in a name?

Not having ever considered Toytown's harbour area as a red light zone, as that would be to glamorise same and there is little glamour in prostitution in this country, I was amused by this post which aptly gave our own zone the amusing title of a green light district.

This was particularly amusing as it was in stark contrast to the ongoing debate as to the legal standing of such Tolerance Zones, or as we Polis prefer Management Zones.

As the Neighbour states, hoors are probably better off working with the lights off!

Puns, Anagrams and Digraphs

Without wishing to get too political, when I hear the term 'Animal Activist', I usually want to scream out some diatribe about e.g. the great unwashed, swampy, tree hugging, get real, spoilt unemployable idealistic prats etc. etc., but the Beeb reports, incorrectly (sic!) that the latest furore surrounds the suggestion that the lovable polar bear cub Knut at Berlin Zoo, who was rejected by his mother, should not have been reared by man, but put down to prevent him living a life of dependency on humans.

The Beeb would have us believe this suggestion came from 'an animal activist', when in fact it came, as they reported themselves previously, from
Wolfram Graf-Rudolf, head of Aachen Zoo, who pointedly remarked, "Each time his keeper leaves him, and he can't follow, he will die a little."

Personally, I'm with the views expressed, again in another Beeb article, that the orphaned bear will grow up to hack it alone and anyway it's in a zoo and that is not exactly natural either.

Not convinced about all this fuss?

Check out the videos of cute Canute here and here.

Now, you really would have to be a 'king Knut to want to kill this ball of fluff!

Monday, April 02, 2007


Previously Heather Nova had done a few collaborations with atb on Two Worlds. Now she's back from being a full-time mum and...

...this video is one of three songs she co-wrote on his new offering Trilogy.