Going for Gold

The ever wonderful Top Gear has a problem.

Given the probable demise of the 'White Stig' and the previous demise of the 'Black Stig', I was contemplating the next colour prefix that could be selected.

In the spirit of diversity and inclusiveness, I had considered the possibility of Pink, but clearly there would be issues if that Stig was ever outed.

I'd thought next of yellow, but that doesn't really conjure up the right macho image.  

Purple was the next brainwave, but I ditched that after considering the Mayhem (sic), Jezza, the Hamster and Captain Slow might create with descriptions of the new Stig's headwear.  

Blue suffers from the same problems and would ensure the programme had a post watershed slot.

Clarkson, "Red Stig - I think not."

Silver sounded good if only for its alliteration, but silver is only second.

Therefore, may I be the first to suggest there is only one alternative.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sootycide is painless

A Sweeping statement I know, but any more of this nonsense and I will Sue on behalf of all children's characters.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Jox Vox - Vol. 2

My winter festival celebrations start.... now!

Thanks to UHDD for the pic by the way. I wonder if this place would have looked the same?

Since Xmas Eve I have been carrying out duties as what might be described as a Custody Corporal and there has been one common theme transcending most of the 'customers', a theme it will take you hopefully less than a goldfish's memory span to deduce, but here's a clue....

As can be surmised from the www address of my site, I like my whisky and beer, but for some unknown reason, I do not end up fighting, spitting, caterwauling etc. after a few refreshments. It is my opinion that excess drink can, I say CAN, bring out the worst in folk, but I firmly believe the spark of evil must already be there to be lit, burst into flame and envelop all around in its incandescence.

I have been known to 'binge' drink, but somehow I always make it home safely and don't end up squaring up to folk or thrashing her that has to be obeyed on my return home.

It seems some folk are just disposed to violence and anti-social behaviour and drink is not an excuse for their behaviour, merely a catalyst.

This hogmanay our SMT described the city centre celebrations as a success with few arrests. They are right. The absolute vast majority of the considerable throngs enjoyed themselves without incident. It was the few that failed to heed the equally considerable tolerance of my colleagues, with warnings about extended stays in the suites we provide abounding given that our Sheriffs like their time off (although to be fair the Courts sat last Saturday and will sit tomorrow), that passed through my door mostly, as I said before, horizontally. They were quite simply the dregs. How often and how simply do the Polis have to explain to these vacuous eejits how to be civilised?

I can assure the SMT that down in my little world it was not quiet, but I can accept, having seen the state of the folk in the custody suite that these were the folk that no-one can mitigate against.

DRINK DRIVING?

Added to those were the other clowns (or I could put it more succinctly - potential killers) who, despite warning after warning and campaign after campaign, arrived after blowing positive roadside breathtests. I have no sympathy for them either and I hope their bans are extended and fines increased to show how ignorant and inconsiderate they are particularly at this time of year.

Anyhoo, must stop moaning.

Back to the news from Alba.

Down in the Central Belt there's folk who obviously haven't been to Torry.

In the wonderful world of disputes over nothing, this one takes 2008's special prize. At least his sentence was long enough so that he didn't 'get off' with community service.

Here's a festive turn suited to the Special Branch.

If you ever visit the Gordon Highlander's Museum be sure to give the cafe staff a nice tip. That made me proud of my country folk.

This didn't ... In the Polis we are regularly faced with violence. Unwarranted as it is, we at least have some protection. These folk don't and the level of violence shown to them is a disgrace.

There has to be one festive entry regarding political correctness gone mad and this is it.

Having trawled the news for snippets for you to savour, it's back to drink again! I'm told it's a national pastime.

Drunk driver or driven to drink?

Polis spoilsports?

I posted about this and this a while back and I am delighted with the common sense result. However, there may be problems with other names that have been suggested for some of Scotland's brews.

Mind you there's folk down south who don't even need a drink to make a tit of themselves.

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~ Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Slainte.

© McNoddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Same old, same old

Well here I am safe at a very quiet home, sipping, nae slurping on my large uisge beatha.

I was seconded to Custard Occifer duties last night and most of the never ending patrons appeared to come in horizontally and to have consumed entire distilleries.

Moderation?

Drinkwise?

Och well, at's it o'er for anither year.

Here's to a quiet nicht the nicht as Scotland enjoys its extra public booze up day, but after last nicht's experience, it might just have been the warm up.

Hope you all had a safe and sensible night.

Must depart as the dram needs topping up.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Twist in my Sobriety

Guess who's Nightshift this Hogmanay (or as famously once described "Mahogany").

Thus, as one of the few sober eens amongst the stocious throngs, I thought this video was apt.



Bliadhna Mhath Ùr to all and sundry.

......... and the twist?

There's a bottle of Laughing Frog with my name on it waiting for my return home.

Slàinte Mhath!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

A powerful wee message

There was a time when my father passed away far too young in life and I was 'lost' without him.

I was searching for the friend, guide and counsel he represented.

I was unable to settle and one night I woke bolt upright from my sleep and these following verses were directed to me as if in a dream.

Being hardly the world's foremost expert on The Book, I hadn't even heard of Ephesians and knew even less about what was within.

Reading the verses, I found I had a new 'Father', guide, friend and counsel. There was an even more humbling message, which to this day I find so difficult to reconcile with my less than perfect 'brand' of Christianity.

On this special eve, I bring you my own revelation and the genesis of my faith.

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession — to the praise of his glory.

Ephesians 1, v2-14

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Nollaig Cridheal

Getting my Xmas message in early 'cos some of us have to be up at dawn to go to work.

But to you and yours. Have a cracker.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Feel Friday

I am filled with a deep foreboding.

It is the dreaded 'Feel Friday' and guess who is lates?

People, oft referred to as 'pilot lights'* will be thronging toy toon sinter after much ale and jolly offices japes. Mix this with the usual suspects and the happy homecomings thereafter and we are due for a busy night.

Wish me well and if you are one of those aforementioned types, remember a whole weekend care of the local free B&B is a rough way to sleep off a hangover.

To fellow short straw pullers throughout the emergency services, the best of Scottish to you all.

That cough of mine seems to be getting worse. Now what's that number again for absence management?

*i.e. they never go out.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Xmas Lichties - The Finale

I fear I am becoming obsessed, so whilst not promising, this may be the last offering. Epileptics look away.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Mair Xmas Lichties

H/T to RT.

By the way I'm still waiting for those photos folks.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Hacked off

A wee while back I posted about Gary McKinnon and suggested the US might overreact a tad.

The latest article from the Beeb suggests he could face up to 70 years in gaol. That's enough for me to suggest Mr Obama might want to reconsider when he comes to power in the New Year.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Far div yi bide?

Anither wee doric tester for yi.

© McNoddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Wither Forecast

Aye, fine, bit nae abidy gets the choice tae bide at hame. Some of us hae tae work 24/7. It's been chookin it doon hale watter a' weekend. Drookit I wis, min. Mind yi, jist as weel it wisna caller or I'd be knee deep in sna.

© McNoddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Jox Vox - Vol. 1

You might have noticed from my sidebar that due to the apparent demise of fellow Polis bloggers, I appear to be the only Polisperson posting from north of the border.

I feel it incumbent upon me then to keep everybody up to date with the weird and wonderful happenings, Polis related or otherwise, up in the frozen wastelands of God's own country.

Following on from what might be considered the pilot post, I have decided to post regularly on such matters and I have these following offerings for you.

BBC NEWS | Scotland | North East/N Isles | Pub-goers to be tested for drugs

Random drug testing attacked - Press & Journal

Well at least it's a better plan than this or this.

Maybe Mr Rumbles should have a peek at this before he opens his mouth and puts his foot in it.

Twining will like this snippet.

Up here in Draconia we still occasionally persecute, sorry prosecute, very wee weans. But just to level the playing field, I believe adults will now have to suffer like the little children. It's significant that once the pain is to be meted out on adults, a furore starts. I did warn you. A crafty US judge has taken this principle even further.

We have just celebrated St Andrew's Day and Gadget will be interested to note this ovine method of marking the occasion.

You can read this snippet and make your own mind up. I have. Get off your behind, quine.

A while back I bleetered on about prostitution. I think that the Polis are going to say to the Law Makers, "We told you so."

By far and away my favourite snippet recently has to be the Spiderpig debacle. Brilliant.

As regular visitors will know, I have a passion for whisky (in moderation of course) and our wonderful Chancellor and his boss, despite being Scots, seem determined to destroy the industry and dent my pocket. I have four related offerings to mull over whilst you sip (very slowly) your dram.

Outrage at tax raid on the whisky industry - Press & Journal

Excise duty increase leaves a bitter taste - Press & Journal

BBC NEWS | Scotland | 'Whisky sour' claim after Budget

BBC NEWS | Scotland | Whisky duty rise 'to be revised'

I cannot leave you without commenting on what's happening down south. The new Government inspired (tongue firmly in cheek) Police Pledges leave me awestruck and this article's heading sums it up;

Police will respond quicker to burglary victims if they are 'upset' - Telegraph

I have yet to entertain a genuine complaint of housebreaking from a cheerful householder! I'll let Jacquie Spliff know when I do.

Secondly, I note there's been a bit of a stooshie over some CCTV footage again. Don't mess with me has posted the most illuminating take on this in my view. I also direct you to a previous post on the Perils of CCTV from my good self.

Finally, Jox Vox rule.

© McNoddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Xmas Lichties

I dah ken aboot you, but fan the winter festival time comes aroond, een o' my favourite pastimes oan the job is tae ging roond an' see fit folk hae been pittin up on or ootside their hooses in the wiy o' Xmas decorations. Aye, Xmas I said.

It iywiz scunners me 'at the guid folk o' the sink estates seem to hae a puckle o' siller left in the bankie to spend on feel inflatables and hunnerds o' lichties emitting a carbon footprint visible fae the ISS.

I hae started a competition amongst my colleagues tae undertake a Phase B search tae find the worst excesses. There is a clear leader already wi' a 30 foot tree in a garden wi' tinsel (aye tinsel!) and a flashing star on the top, an' lichties a' oer. Jist to ram the pint hame, the same folk hae put up mair lichties a' oer the gable end o' the hoose. I hanna had the chance tae ging roon the front tae see fit delights await me yonder.

I wis considering takkin my camera wi' me on nichts jist tae record a' the worst eens and get a snap o' the hale hoose aforementioned, but 'at wid be surveillance an' I hanna had time tae pit in the necessary forms!

Please feel free to join in the competition! Jist mind the paperwork first, min.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Mourne Mourns

This terrible incident highlights just how fine the line is between life and death for all those who serve.

It also looks like this was a particularly dreadful way to go.

I can only hope, but somehow doubt, that those who caused the assistance shout to be made, realise the implications of their actions.

RIP.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Time to get bizzy, apparently.

Personally, I thought I had been, but it seems I need to address some learning points.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dead Jolly

Just back from a very long shift that started teatime yesterday.... all say ahh!

As a famous dead Scottish TV detective once said, "There's been a murder."  As anyone Polis related will know, no-one actually says that - it's just a suspicious death till the charges are laid, but it was a good line.

Meanwhile a leading Scot commemorates another dead Scot rather well, if I may say so, here.

While on the topic of videos, please ensure you've seen the video in my last post.  In SMT mode, I require acknowledgement that you have undergone this bit of ODL via the post's Toy Town™  Thoughts link.  I will be checking! 

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Seeking attention

I was directed to this site by UHDD. I watched the video at the same time as I was considering another post on autism related matters in respect of an article I read.

Please take time to watch the video and read the article/comments.



The point the video makes and one that hit home was that making snap judgements without investigating properly can seriously discriminate against those with conditions they would not wish upon their own worst enemies.

As stated, coincidentally, I had seen the headline about Gary McKinnon and was about to launch into a tirade about why the heck should British taxpayers have to fork out for his detention over this side of the pond, when suddenly the fact that he has Aspergers grabbed my attention. I hope to God that the USA's intoxication with all things security related does not cloud the fact that Gary may not have had the restraint in his actions that you or I might imagine as 'normal.' I will be watching that case with interest.

Never, ever, think that those with problems with their noggins are less human than you or I.

Why?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Change we need

Once you go Barack, you never go back.

I am aware that fellow bloggers are split on who should have won the US Election.

I don't know if Obama can live up to the hype and rhetoric, but I do know that his election heralds a new era as far as diversity is concerned. Let's face it he has been welcomed with open arms by most black and white constituents even though he is actually mixed race. That, I think, speaks volumes about change in the USA and I hope will project a more tolerant attitude to others abroad and a similar sympathetic response from us foreigners to the US. God knows the USA needs an image overhaul abroad!

In terms of genuinely amazing events this stands up with other sights I never thought I'd see in my lifetime such as the fall of the Berlin Wall.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times