Lonely Hearts

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column of a Glasgow newspaper.

Grossly overweight Skye turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b @ stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
Box 23/59

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Drink!

Whilst I'm on the subject of drink, this article from the Beeb shows what the evil of drink does to Toy Town™. Let's hope the Licensing Board find the footage sobering.

The effects of excess alcohol, as any Polisman knows only too well, would try the patience of a saint, or even Father Ted.



Update: You win some and you lose some.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Everything's crossed

I meant to post on this a while back, but there were a few things happening that made me forget.

We are exceptionally lucky in Toy Town™ to have this facility and I, along with many of my colleagues and A&E staff, will be keeping our collective fingers (and toes) crossed it maintains its funding.

Police Officers will readily understand how much easier it is and safer to drop off your D&I custody into the hands of trained staff who have proper facilities for looking after 'drunks.' Not only that, but there's only one form to fill in and no report. Repeat that last bit slowly to take it in properly! Wizzo.

Custody Officers (that would be me occasionally) will appreciate the relief of not having to take care of drunk and incapables, being as they can be one of the highest risks in police care.

For those not Job, then I can only explain it by saying that D&I's would be a royal pain in the posterior, but for this facility. My colleagues up further north who don't have the same luxury will tell you just how much they envy us toonsers. To get the picture, here's the two contrasting scenarios and the possible consequences. Now decide if the designated place is worth funding?

1 - Present set up.

A Drunk and Incapable individual (could be a wino or YOU after a heavy night out!) is technically arrested for a contravention of Section 50 of the Civic Government (Scotland) Act 1982, and conveyed to Albyn House. Here two staff take over his/her care and breathalyse the stocious 'een. If the reading is too high then it's off to A&E. If it's too low then the 'drunk' is suitably chastised for seeking a warm bed and put on their way. Otherwise they get a bed and time to sober up in a room with high tech monitoring equipment and care from non Polis persons which reduces any conflict that might occasion itself in Police cells. A brief property form and details are completed and a copy kept by the Polis and staff at Albyn House. I drive off into the sunset!

2 - Without Albyn House.

Arrest stocious 'een and convey to Polis Station. Go through time consuming rigmarole of booking custody in. Mop up pavement pizza, urine etc that drunk effuses in waiting area, cell etc . Search custody and his/her usually minging clothing. Custody staff watch drunk like a hawk as the statistical incidence of choking/death etc. with drunks is very high - ask any custody officer if he is happy to have a D&I in the cells. Raise crime report, knowing that the soak will be released without charge when sober, but hey we need a crime report don't we. This is all supposing the cheery custody officer goes as far as accepting your custody rather than telling you to foxtrot oscar over to A&E first to get the staff there to say the stocious 'een is fit to be detained in Polis cells. Let's not forget the drunk is a custody so you can expect to wait for him/her to be seen and we all know how hard pressed A&E staff are. Don't expect to be back on the streets in a hurry!

I might add that if the stocious 'een ends up in Polis custody, he/she does not get the after care that is, at the very least, offered at Albyn House.

I would be interested to hear if any other Polis bloggers have a similar service in their area and also their views on the matter.

UPDATE: Good News

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

The burning question today is.....

Look no further than the Torygraph for today's hottest news clip.

A final gesture?

There's more advice on reducing your carbon footprint here!

Cryptic, moi?

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Organ Grinder

Since being back at work this year I have successfully managed to avoid Response Policing by being seconded to other duties. I've even managed to work dayshifts in my 'flute'.

Good one you might think.

Well sort of, but all it means is that those enquiries I aimed to to get done in between attending the humdrum calls of each and every day don't get done and the files just get mouldier and mouldier.

So it was with a mixture of relief and dread that I ended my secondment and went home for a couple of days off.

The relief didn't last long. Cue telephone call at home. "Noddy, we've put you down for custody officer duties this week," says the resource clerkess.

Oh well dear public, looks like your crimes will just have to wait even longer to be solved. Me, I've just about forgotten what most of them were about myself. Perhaps I should get an assistant with better memory skills.

p.s. I have avoided any direct reference to apes of a particular variety.

p.p.s. Note to self.... You really should stop being volunteered for all these gimmicks.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Bliadhna Mhath ùr

Oh yummy! Eldest son's Xmas pressie to his Dad is going down too well.

Slainte Mhor!


© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

In Memoriam

I woke to ponder the fact that, were they alive, my parents would have celebrated their golden wedding anniversary today.

I recall well that my ickle bruvver and I would always make a fuss of the folks on their day. It was a splendid way to say thank you for all the many things they did for us and of course the presents we had received just two days previous. It helped to make for an extended Xmas period and a true family time. I miss them both, but especially today, when the memories flood back.

It was with great sadness then that I read of the untimely death of PC Chris Roberts, who didn't even get to see his own 50th. It reminds me of our own mortality and that we really do not know what is around the corner in our jobs and life in general. My parent's deaths were far too early, but nothing to compare with what has befallen Chris's three kids. My prayers tonight are with them and his kith and kin. Oh, and with Mum & Dad too.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Chill

I may be approaching the half-century, but I have a passion for this guy's trance music. If things are a bit hectic this Xmas day, chill with this amazing video.... my pressie to you.



© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Christmas Crackers

First off congratulations must go to Toy Town™ FC for their exceptional result last night in the UEFA cup. The Dandies have now drawn a cracker against Bayern Muenchen.

Regular readers know I'm really a fan of the Blues, but I was there at Pittodrie in 1983 when the Dons, en route to winning the European Cup Winners Cup, embarrassed the German Meisters. Wonder if I will be working on Valentine's Day?

Secondly, I'm about to delve into the myriad of mumbo jumbo and mystification over the Xmas celebrations.

Many have posted over the place of a Christian celebration in our diverse and multi-cultural society. Let's get one thing straight. Xmas has little to do with Christ and let's stop pretending otherwise. In other words, why do we insist on the use of His name in the moniker for what is essentially a pagan winter holiday aggravated by the pavlovian devotion to greed and excess typified by modern secular society.

In my brave new world we would continue to recognise the birth of Christ by maintaining the education and interaction children get at skool with nativity shows and the like, but we would weigh this against the need to celebrate Easter as the truly significant time for Christians.

I could ask you to consider the devout and essentially pure stance taken by some of our local Presbyterians at this time. Surprised? Personally, I prefer this tale. It about sums up my view perfectly. So go on enjoy the festivities! Only spare some time and contemplation for your Maker. If you don't, this could happen to your weans.


Meanwhile, at your local Primary Skool, it's just as well the new security system doesn't listen in as well as talk to the kidz.

Did I mention I was now on my Yuletide / Festive / Seasonal / Winter Holiday (a.k.a. Annual Leave) till the third day of next year and that I have got my SPP and full 2.5%?

I'm off to drink mucho whisky and beer. Will think of you as I do.

Finally, does anyone know how much a Wii weighs?


© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

An email you SHOULD read

Dear Noddy,

Thank you for supporting our think differently about autism campaign. Together we will improve the lives of the 1 in 100 people in the UK with autism by creating a better understanding of autism in society.

Today we launched the final two parts of our campaign film which highlights some the challenges a person with autism can face everyday. Though the film only shows one of the many ways autism can affect an individual, it is a vital tool to help increase understanding of autism.

Let’s ensure as many people as possible see these films!

Please forward on this email to all your contacts asking them to watch all four parts of the campaign film and then forwarding them to their own contacts.

Visit: www.think-differently.org.uk/viewourfilm.

Together we can use the internet to help people think differently about autism!

On 5 February 2008 the next stage of the campaign will launch focusing specifically on the desperate lack of services and support available to adults with autism across the spectrum. We will be demanding the UK Government takes action to address this issue and will need your support to make this happen. We will be in touch in January 2008 to explain how you can get involved.

For more information about the campaign please email us at thinkdifferently@nas.org.uk or call and leave a message on 020 7923 5788.

Thank you for your ongoing support!

Benet Middleton
Director of Communications

The National Autistic Society 393 City Road, London, EC1V 1NG, United Kingdom. Tel: +44(0)20 7833 2299, Fax: +44 (0)20 7833 9666, Email: nas@nas.org.uk VAT registration number: 653370050; Registered charity number: 269425

© The National Autistic Society 2007

Jockularity

It’s Xmas, so in the spirit of the season, here’s some festive cheer ‘cos I know you southerners need a little cheering up what with H.M. Government’s Scrooge-like behaviour over pay.

(p.s. Click on the pic to enlarge a representation of a modern day Glesga nativity)

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says, "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
The girl replies, "From the top of my head right down to my knickers."

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan" she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
‘Oor Wullie.’

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
He was in his cell.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says, "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa dear," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice, "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband, "Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
And he says, "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says, "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

Hat tip to P.A. over at B.P.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

A dog would look stupid in this....

For all you cat lovers out there, and I know there are a few, here's the purrfect Xmas gift for your kitty. My dug is pishing herself.

Stop Press: The pink ones are sold out! Well they would be wouldn't they.

Let me aff the bus.......

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

The Great Escape

Local news is pish just now.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Xmas Message

This year, as every year, the country's Police Officers patiently, nay excitably, await the Home Secretary's seasonal message and veritable morale booster.

Only this year the reception may be as cold as the weather and one or two might receive the missive with the attention and respect shown in the photo attached.

Meanwhile, my good friend Noddy has also read the letter from Ms Spliff to Alistair Dearest and is a tad scunnered on behalf of his friends down south and not exactly full of seasonal goodwill towards double-dealing politicians exhibiting crass double standards.


On a positive note, Mr Plod reports that he has the entire Festive Season off on leave and he WILL be in receipt of the massive pay rise!

So from Toy Town™ at least it's Nollaig Cridheal 's Bliadhna Mhath ùr to you and yours.

Keep safe.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

New Federation Rep?

"If you see a police officer under attack you have got to step in, it's your civic duty to stand up and take on the culprit." - John Smeaton.

Are you busy just now Smeato?

I know some folk who might just need your help again.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Ho Ho Ho

Festive Greetings to you and yours Ms Spliff.

On behalf of my English & Welsh colleagues, go choke on your toke and may your stockings be as empty as your promises.


© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Divide and Rule

Just a few days ago I welcomed you all to our wee nation.

Well I have the feeling a few of my colleagues down south might just be thinking of coming up to these pairts permanently!

Strictly speaking I'm prohibited from espousing any Political views, but there's nothing wrong with making a political observation based on factual events, so here I go.

Since the leak in The Telegraph regarding Ms Spliff's reneging on the PAT decision, there has been some indignation amongst the rank and file south of the border. Cannot blame you guys to be honest.

Meanwhile the SNP, in the form of Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill, have honoured (and I use that word with just regard and respect for this Politician's decision) the agreement in Scotland.

Ms Spliff must be a tad miffed the Scottish Executive did not just roll over and agree to the UK Government position as hoped for in her letter to the scots Chancellor.

The SNP, however, must have been rubbing their hands with glee this morning when they had the opportunity to a) stick one right up Labour north of the border and 2) shove another wedge in the cracks in the Union and in their drive for Independence by highlighting the differences north and south of the border.

Personally, I'm glad OUR government had the decency to accept the 'award', pitiful though some might have regarded it in the first place.

For those down south, I wish you well with the double-dealers at the Home Office. Other public servants beware! OK that is political, but have you read that letter?

Finally, let's just compare notes.

Kenny MacAskill: "It's for the UK Government to settle with their police officers and the Scottish Government to settle with our police officers. All I'm saying is that we believe when you enter into an arbitration scheme, if it comes out with something then unless there's good reason you should implement it."

Joe Grant - Scottish Police Federation: "What it has done is restore a bit of trust and faith in the negotiating process here in Scotland that doesn't exist elsewhere in the UK."

Jacqui Spliff: "I am accepting their (PAT) recommendation for a 2.5% increase to the pay of police officers. However, I also have a responsibility to ensure pay settlements are affordable and consistent with government pay policy, including the maintenance of low inflation. I have therefore decided that the award should be implemented on 1 December, rather than 1 September."

Jan Berry - Police Federation (England & Wales): "This is contemptuous behaviour by the Home Secretary and has rightly angered the 140,000 police officers in England and Wales who have been waiting patiently for their pay award since 1 September. Police officers should either have full industrial rights or independent binding arbitration - currently we have neither."

Notice the difference?

2.5% may not be as much as we would have liked, but at least we can enter arbitration next year knowing it is morally binding north of the border..... or should that be north of the DIVIDE!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Old enough to marry....

....and do unmentionable things with the opposite sex, but still unable to buy a fag, drink, vote etc., etc. That would be my youngest loon today.

Happy 16th

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

There's a certain ring....

.... to the commonality of the sudden deaths within the remit of the author of the as ever unintentionally amusing SPDK blog.

Well, there must be a simple answer to this and I would suggest that this is a very poor example of Problem Solving Policing, targets are clearly not being met and it's time for a visit from the the local Pink Community Support Officers.

On a personal note, whilst in India, I would advise sticking to bottled water. The local stuff can taste a bit foostie!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Fàilte gu Alba

Far be it from me to suggest that there has been a bit of plagiarism over at Follyrood and the STB, but the new 'Corporate' banner for the bestest wee nation on planet earth does seem to be a bit familiar!

It certainly beats the Canadians' efforts vis-a-vis "Come see our beavers."

Meanwhile up here in Welcome to Toy Town™ land, the locals are in a huff over monoglot bendy-buses. Mind you, there is a need to be careful about things that you put on the backs of buses. We wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of the law now would we?

On another tack, I have to say I'm humbled to be the recipient of a Twining Oscar.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times