Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Lonely Hearts

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column of a Glasgow newspaper.

Grossly overweight Skye turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.

Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b @ stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.

Box 40/27

Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.

Box 23/59

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times


Whichendbites said...

Noddy, they all seem like they are in with a great chance.
In the light of your comments about your gastronomic skills I thought you would probably understand this. You sound like you have already qualified on many of the relevant criteria.

Annette said...

I love them.....not.
No wonder they are advertising, no-one else would have them.

You've got to laugh haven't you?

uphilldowndale said...

Now surely there is some one for everyone, isn't every one is entitled to just a little loving? It's just a case of finding the right match and moving them all; lock stock and barrel to Rockall

Noddy said...

My personal favourite has to be the stereotypically economical Aberdonian.

Claire said...

At least they're honest - you'd definitely know what you were getting if you replied, compared to some of the more 'creative' ads people place elsewhere (or so I've heard!).

totallyun-pc said...


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

Noddy said...

and there's.....

Two Englishmen, businessmen in London, were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be opened store.

As yet, the store wasn't quite ready, there only being a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked, "What are you selling?" here.

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar*eholes."

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, "You are doing well ... only two left!"

Englishmen (God bless them) should not mess with Scotsmen !!!

phlegmfatale said...

Holy crap! Might a gal choose more than one of these gems?