Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Copper found

It's OK, none of my colleagues have been posted as missing, it's just a quick jibe at the world of jobsworths.

There seems to be a growing collection of them spread about the country kicking up a stink about the pettiest of misdemeanours.

Don't worry though, because soon minor offences wont go anywhere near attracting a spell in pokey.

Sometimes, I wonder who lives in the land of make-believe!

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

No surprises

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Llama Support Unit

Since some folk are on a dummy run today for industrial action, I thought I'd be a scab and run the picket line and do some blogging.

Those familiar with Inspector Gadget's predilection for sheep will recall his Llama, Llama post.

Well it seems the LSU has migrated north of the border. Perhaps the pay was poor down there or there were other problems.

Oh, and the Llama Song is worth a reprise too.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Go forth and multiply

I have a plan.

It appears that benefit office staff are having a hard time with their sums and the rascals in Toy Town
™ are cunningly taking advantage of this inability to cope with basic maths.

As you can see, I have been assembling evidential photographs of my new weans and am just off to fill in a few forms

Remember Christmas is just 218 shopping days away.

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Taser tag

Out in the Wild West there is a new form of gun-toting duelling going on.

When, if, these tools of defence are issued to mere Response Officers, I do hope I get one with a little extra kick

and if not at least give me something with an additional usage

although I'm not sure about the leopard skin cover!

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Pillow Patrol

Just last week we had the Hun hordes fighting over the remote in Manchester.

This week, just over the Pennines, we have the good Polis of Leeds banning more fun, just because a few folk want to fight.

It only goes to show that the Police really do care about your well-being.

If you want to see what Leeds missed, just go here.

Damn, I've changed my mind. I'd love that kind of a rumble!


© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Fire farce

I do so love provincial media.

At times it can be unintentionally comical.

Please let me know your reaction to this tale of woe from one of Toy Town's
™ sink estates.....tears of sorrow or mirth?

There are so many bizarre things going on in the background to this story that my head is spinning!

Apart from the 2 caravans in the back garden of a cooncil semi, the loss of the 'prized' Rialto, the 4 lodgers etc. etc. you have these mindboggling quotes;

Tony 47, who is currently unemployed, woke to see the towering flames in the garden just before 12pm."

Bless him. 'CURRENTLY unemployed'.

“I put a wet towel over my head and went out through the conservatory at the back. I did fear for my life a bit.”

CONSERVATORY? Now I know Tony's being nickum.

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Friday, May 16, 2008

To ebay or not to ebay

I don't use the internet car boot sale that is ebay.

If you do, then you have been warned.

I won't comment further since there's a live appeal ongoing.

I suppose I should offer a hat tip to the Evening Express too.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Cooking the books

I got tagged again....

But funnily enough I'm quite pleased because the subject at hand is one I've been meaning to post about for some time now and it gives me a number of puntastic opportunities.


First off, are you sitting comfortably? Make yourself a cuppa and read on.

AnneDroid invites me to consider this:

"Books are scarce in the world. They are illegal in some provinces. They are not easily replaced, if not impossible to replace if lost in many if not most circumstances. If you can replace a book or buy one, it is usually through the black market at astronomical costs that you cannot afford. Yet you have been able to maintain one of the best collections in the world. If your entire library was about to burn up and you could only have one* book to take with you other than the Bible (ed. - Torah, Koran or whatever your God's guidance be - see me I'm diversified), what would that be and why?"

Simple Rules:

Answer the question.
Offer one quote that resonates with you.
Tag five people whose response is of genuine interest to you and inform him or her that they have been tagged.

*and it cannot be an entire series of something, that’s cheating.

For me it is a slightly left field choice. I would like to suggest the whole series of Don Camillo books by Giovannino Guareschi, but in line with the rules, I will plump for one, namely Comrade Don Camillo.

Not many folk will have had the pleasure of reading the series of books based in late 50's/early 60's Italy and the 'battle' between the Parish Priest - Don Camillo, and the communist Mayor - Peppone.

p.s. You can get a flavour of the first book here.

The series comes to its peak, in my opinion, when Don Camillo gets 'invited' on a tour by the local communist party to Mother Russia. This particular collection, hence the title Comrade Don Camillo, is a complete hoot, but has moments of intense spiritual awakening.

I won't quote from it, so please get yourself a copy (Anne - I wonder if you've read them), because no-one likes a story's end revealed before you've read it, but what a punch line. Suffice to say the mental picture and its guidance have stayed with me all the years since I first read it more than 30 years ago.

Added to that, the book(s) have an even greater resonance because it was my late mother who introduced them to me and I believe it was the core subject that nailed my decision to study International Politics and Economics at Varsity. God only knows then why I ended up a Polisman!

The infamous five I will tag are:

Brain Strain.

What I had been thinking was how little I read books these days - or is it how little time I have to read these days? I used to be a total bookworm. What has happened? Is it just a busier lifestyle or the pull of modern communication and multimedia? Let's face it, I'm blogging just now and surfing the web most days, so it's not as if I don't have the time. I never see younger folk reading anything more weighty than Bella or GQ. Most of the books I buy nowadays are light in content or are Xmas presents I eventually get round to viewing snippets of months down the line.

Reading books is almost like going on a diet or stopping smoking. You know it's good for you, but......

Like many aspects of modern life I think it's just that the times they are a-changin'.

Speaking of books how's about, now boys and girls, a bit of Fixing. Much has been written lately about the wonders of NCRS or as we have in our parts the SCRS (same thing but different crimes and we don't appear to deserve the National bit).

Norfolk Constabulary stand nigh on being accused of cooking the books.

What is it about stats that drive people to this apparent dishonesty? Do the public really care about detailed crime stats, hospital waiting time reports and school league tables? Why can't politicos let the Professionals get on with what they are professional at and thus reduce the problems that we seem ever more slavishly devoted to auditing rather than addressing. The public would like that much more than reading how bad things are when HMGovt. is beating public servants with a spin stick, or so much better just as an election looms.

Book 'em Danno!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Cuddly teddy bears

Let's get a sense of perspective. 0.015% of travelling Huns got themsels lifted.

If you believe the varying reports, there were either 150000 or 200000 weegies in Manchester yesterday. If 30 or 42 or fitever were lifted fae volatile crowd situations far the cooncil had failed to show a match many had come to see, fit dae yi expect?

Seems the cooncil are blaming the Polis and the Polis are blaming the supporters and the Tories are blaming the Polis and the fans are blaming the Polis and the cooncil. Me, I jist think if 200000 weegies were partying a'taegither a' day onywire there's gonna be a wee stooshie. I div feel sorry for a' my GMP colleagues, especially the injured eens. Oh, aye, the ambulance staff en 'a.

But, let's get back to a sense of proportion. Read that stat again..... 0.015% eejits. Now we a' ken stats are the truth, the whole truth and naithin like the truth, min.

Given they were fae weegieland, this is naithin short o' a miracle, min. Disnae stop the hand wringing though. I know this loon and tak it fae me, he's a mannie fit opens his moo afore engaging his brain.

Last time that many Jox invaded Englandshire, there wis a wee bit mair bother!

... and jist to show yiv I dinna think a' weegies are eejits, just keek at RFC's response to the untimely death o' the Tims and Scotland legend Tommy Burns.

Nice one, Rangers.

Now I dinna say that aften!

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Nice job if you can get it

Now I wouldn't want to accuse those in tertiary education of coming up with novel ways to fund their study of the bottom of drinks glasses, being as I had a first class degree in it, but this takes the biscuit.

I likes my tunes, so I am announcing publicly my availability for the follow up research into the effects of whisky and beer.

Speaking of which, and for the Police angle to this post, there are some folk who value their beer more than their offspring. Had to be from Oz didn't it?

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Friday, May 09, 2008

Just do it

Let's Support Victims

Regular readers (there's one or two of you out there) will know I have been 'pushing' Burma's plight for some time now.

As if things couldn't get any worse, along comes a cyclone and devastates the country. The UN now estimates 1.5 million people will be affected by the storm and the way in which the junta has criminally not reacted to its responsibilities to the needs of Burma's population.

Are we surprised?

What are we to do?

Earlier this week we had the French saying they would donate only 250,000 million pounds because they feared the cash would go straight into the Generals' pockets. Britain stood tallish with the world's largest offer of 5 million quid. The Yanks attached all sorts of political strings as usual, despite Dubya's Missus fronting Burma's cause.

This week (aye, nearly a week later) the French sing another tune and Britain dithers.

For God's sake just get the aid in and let the Generals try and stop it.

.... and ladies get your undies out, as well as your cash, for Burma.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Rosy Lea

We are often culpable, us older Police bloggers, of looking at the past through rose tinted glasses.

But, here is a tale of serious woe suffered by our forebears in the 50's.

The tea situation would be "very serious" if there was a widespread attack on Britain by both A bombs and H bombs, a team drawing up contingency plans for food supplies said.

"The tea position would be very serious with a loss of 75% of stocks and substantial delays in imports and with no system of rationing it would be wrong to consider that even 1oz per head per week could be ensured," noted one official.

"No satisfactory solution has yet been found."

Sounds like Policing today.

Anyone for a cuppa?

What would Twining say?

"Make mine black" probably!

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Xtian 1 liners

Hat Tip to my American cousin Marion.

Don't let your worries get the better of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folk want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but midgies come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better minister, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I didn't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a full stop.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task a head of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to.........discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Thursday, May 01, 2008

It's all about the Blues

Those of you reading this post on Planet Police expecting Polis based material - look away, it's got very little to do with Plodding. I do promise a worthwhile read all the same for those bloggers wondering why they bother to blog.

However, spare me this rare moment of celebration after two heartbreaking losses to Liverpool in semis over the last few years it just had to be third time lucky as I predicted and so it proved.

Anyhow, there I was on Tuesday on a step down shift to accommodate a trial on Wednesday when inevitably I get the email telling me the miscreant has pled guilty. Inconsiderate so and so! Does he not know this now means Mr Plod will no longer be on dayshift and have to be nightshift. There I had been planning a few cold beers in front of the TV and now I just knew there would be extra time. The full time whistle blows last night and Noddy makes this rapid transformation into Mr Plod and jumps in the motor rapidly switching to 5Live as he makes his way sharpish like to work for 10pm. I nearly crash as Essien 'scores' and then doesn't. Fortunately I'm parked at the back door of the sty when Lamps takes the penalty and so it goes on. You know the result.

Enough of that, more importantly I'm asking you first to go back in time and read this post, because unless you do the rest won't make sense. When you have, read on. You will also understand what I was referring to in my Sheep post.

I received these emails recently. They literally stopped me in my tracks. After getting them and seeing Lamps play last night, I just knew that Chelsea would win. (Forgot to put a pound on the Lottery though!)

1. -----Original Message-----
From: identity masked meantime
Sent: Sat, 26 Apr 2008 12:07
Subject: Please forward to Noddy

My daughter popped into me yesterday and showed me what she had printed off from the internet, which was from Monday, 05 November 2007 "Since you Asked". As I read I began to have goose bumps, that was my Dad you were writing about (Sidney Popper) and it was lovely to have my memory jogged and other memories came flooding in. I lived Chelsea as a child, being lifted over the barrier on a Saturday afternoon and being thoroughly spoilt with lots of treats and sweets. Long train journeys to see away games and lots of memories of that box.
Thank you for making me remember.

xxxxxxxx name withheld meantime.

2. -----Original Message-----
From: identity masked meantime
Sent: Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:33
Subject: Sidney Popper

My grandfather was Sidney Popper. Thanks for your lovely story about him which I printed out and gave to my mum (his daughter). She was quite overwhelmed. All our family are still avid Chelsea fans although we don't have the box any more we have season tickets in the Upper East and my children go too (Sidney's great-grandchildren)

name withheld meantime.

I replied as follows. I think it says it all.


He was a toff, spoiled us rotten and I'm eternally grateful to him for introducing me to the Blues.

After today's result, there is still hope of 2 bits of silverware. It really is happy days down at the Bridge. It is only a shame they play 500+ miles away!

At least everyone will now believe me! They think I was making it up.

Both my parents died earlier than they should have and this week's news about Pat Lampard got me thinking of my own mother who only made it to 57 herself. Parents are never truly appreciated till you are one yourself and then when they depart early just as you realise this, it is a real blow. I do hope Sidney had a long life. I know it was full.

I wish you and your family well and I would be truly obliged if I could add your comment to my blog, if you would grant me the permission.

I've sent my 'little' brother a copy too as it will make him shiver (in a nice way!) as much as it did to me. It truly is a small world at times and if this isn't an example of how the internet makes it smaller I don't know what is!

My best regards,


p.s. I've just re-read my post and notice I described Sidney as 'rotund'. I do apologise, but that's how I remember him, as a larger than life man, who let's be honest, for a man I met once and 40 years ago who's name I still remember and who's face I can still picture, he must therefore have been a true character.... so roundish and cuddly would have been better!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

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