I am sensing that all too many of my blogging colleagues are stressed out by the various pressures placed on modern police officers - not least the lack of a pay rise!
Many blogs are hilarious, but I do detect that there is a distinct lack of simple good time stories.
Let's face it, at the end of the day, despite all that confounds us, would you, could you, do anything else so varied, challenging and rewarding?
I was trawling through some of my archives and unearthed a collection of amusing incidents from my time in the Force Control Room. I thought I'd share them with you given that a safe passage of time has passed since their occurrence. Maybe I might just have started something.
Here goes:
LOCKED UP
A caller to the Police Office reported that she was attached to part of a bed headboard by handcuffs and had lost the keys.
Police Officers were unable to assist her despite trying various sets of keys and a piece of metal in a vain attempt to spring the locks.
Caller was advised to attend at ‘Dick’s Sports’ as he apparently held various sets of keys.
CAT BURGLAR?
999 call to Control Room from female reporting that a local licensee had kidnapped her cat for the second time.
Police Officers attended and described the female as an “alcoholic idiot” and warned her accordingly.
TOTALLY POTTY
Fire Brigade advised Police they had attended a report of a child’s head stuck in a potty. They later called back reporting they had rendered the necessary assistance.
WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOX
Call to disturbance. Initial Police unit attending reported that male had a cut to his head and required attention by ambulance staff.
Traffic unit reported they were standing down as the initial unit had the “matter in hand.”
The Initial unit then reported finding what appeared to be a 1” square piece of the injured male’s scrotum and asked for further instruction from A&E staff. Needless to say the section of wrinkled retainer was delivered post haste to hospital.
FLUSHING OUT THE SUSPECTS
999 call received reporting a group of people outside the caller’s home intending to break-in to his flat.
Police attending reported that the caller was senile and delusional.
Further 999 call from same man stated he had found the persons responsible, one described as male and the other as an attractive female and that they were now trying to get into his house via the sewer.
Yet another 999 call from same man reported that the persons concerned in trying to get into his house had been soaked as he had filled the bath and let the water go down the drain. Flushed with success the caller cancelled any further Police involvement, but he was advised to contact his GP.
MONKEYING ABOUT
Fire Brigade advised Police that they were attending a report of a Chip Pan fire at Pluscarden Abbey.
Wag in Elgin Control Room finished off the call by noting that “nothing more than a fat friar had been involved.”
ON A SIMILAR VEIN ….
999 call to Police from a Chipper reporting that “someone is battering the deep fat fryer.”
Police attended and established the Fryer had been dealing with troublesome customers. Fortunately, there was no complaint.
TOTALLY QUACKERS
I received a call from an anonymous female reporting a stray Duck. She went on to tell me that she was travelling on the main dual carriageway north and had seen a large duck waddling about on the road.
She had more to add though ……. She reported that the duck’s partner appeared to be an ex-duck as there were feathers everywhere.
She had even more to add …… She further reported that if this particular duck was hit, it would cause damage.
I couldn’t resist adding to the incident, when I transferred it to another office, “Appears that it may be playing chicken.”
SHAGGY DOG STORY
Caller reported that he owned a Staffordshire Bull Terrier and that when the Pizza Delivery Man came to the door to deliver a pizza, the Terrier had grabbed hold of a stray Labrador which was outside the door at the time.
The caller went on to advise that the poor Lab had been savaged and the Terrier had its jaws locked around the injured dog.
Apparently, the Pizza Man had been trying to put the Lab out of its misery by hitting it with a baseball bat (as you do).
At the time of the call the Bull Terrier had retired to the bedroom. Unfortunately its teeth were still locked round the neck of the Lab, which was still, rather remarkably, breathing.
The caller reported that (and I suspect this is what really upset him) his kids were screaming and there was an awful mess at his house.
The SSPCA were advised and reported they would attend and that at this stage the Police were not required.
The SSPCA Inspector then had second thoughts and asked for a Police unit to attend as he reasoned that if the Bull Terrier was as evil as reported then he would be unlikely to handle the matter himself.
Now here’s the twist ……..
The SSPCA Inspector advised that the dogs had been successfully separated and that the owner’s of the Terrier had voluntarily agreed to have it put down. He was then to try and contact the Lab’s owners in order that a vet could attend to its wounds and the despatch of the Terrier. So far so good, but it is the public we are dealing with and ….
The owners of the Lab refused to have anything to do with it and ended up being charged with cruelty etc. for not seeking the assistance of a vet.
You couldn’t make these up!
P.S.
Must have been a Snappy Tomato Pizza!
You're nicked has a splendid post on the abuse of the 999 service here. The taped calls are all too familiar to me, having spent 6 years in our Control Room, and I can speak from experience when I say there was many a time I wondered (and worried) about the gene pool! The call regarding the hedgehog is a classic!
