Unusual Uses for Watermelons

Picture the scene.

You are woken from a deep sleep by your pet puppy yelping and another dog snarling and set to attack your little ball of fluff.

What do you do?

Well if you live in China you throw watermelons at it and then sink your teeth into - no, not the other watermelons you keep by your bed, but the attacking mutt's neck till it dies.

Don't believe me?

Check this report out from Sky News.

Over here you'd expect a visit from the SSPCA if you did that.










Imagine - throwing fruit at animals. Who'd have thought it?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Local Hero

A timely email is doing the rounds - it goes something like this:

Glasgow v America

If this had happened at a US airport as compared to Glasgow would these be some of the Eyewitness accounts?


America: "Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life. I thought I was gonna die, he got so close to me."

Glasgow: "C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him."

America: "I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought I was gonna die."

Glasgow: "Here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a feckin' plane!"

America: "There was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was hapening, I thought I was gonna die."

Glasgow: "Feck this fir a kerry oan, maun, we'll get a pint in."

America: "We thought he was gonna blow us all up. He had a gas canister and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life."

Glasgow: "A swaggered by the motor that wis on fire and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis 'n fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws."

America: "There was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought I was gonna die."

Glasgow: "There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that."

America: "I'm too traumatised even to speak, I thought I was gonna die."

Glasgow: "Here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it."

& finally, two genuine quotes from a real eye-witness aka John Smeaton.

1. ITV news. The interviewer asked, "What message do you have for the bombers?" Smeaton replied, "This is Glasgow, we'll just set about you."
   
2. CNN. The interviewer asked, "How did you restrain the guy?" Smeaton replied, "Me and other folk were just tryin tae get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him."
   

Jock Public gaun yersel! No jumping up and down up here.

Pure class so it is, by the way.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Gazateer freed

Alan Johnston said in my favourite quote from various reports, "I think three years of Gaza as a correspondent followed by four months of kidnap in Gaza is probably more Gaza than most people need in their lives and I do not think I will be going back for some time."

But, it is good news for his family and mixed emotions for him as reported by The Economist.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Goofy says "Hi" to Cuddles

There's nothing more embarrassing than being 'hoisted by your own petard'.

Having been spared visitation by 'Cuddles' previously, he has been 'brave' enough to leave a comment here, which I have not moderated.

I replied. Feel free to comment if you can be bothered to joust with this merchant banker or if you want to show your righteous respect for Jon's memory

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Moustache Mystique

I was making one of my regular visits to the ever wonderful spdk blog and found that they too have a flickr™ page showing their SMT in their finest outfits (not a hiviz to be seen).

Pictured here are the Sooper himself and the Woman's Police Station (sic) boss.

Check the photos out.

Other than these two, it appears that part of the IPS uniform is an obligatory moustache, unless you have a crown (oops, bit too colonial there) on your shoulder or you are of the fairer sex.


Mind you the WPI looks like ..... well you decide.


© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Mr Happy

Holiday time has arrived.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I refuse to believe this

There's bin an affa lot o' rubbish in the news lately aboot foreigners coming o'er to oor toons and makkin a richt stoor o' oor public places, but ken fit , 'is really is dirty tricks, the rotten Bulgars.

I wis thinkin' we could fire o'er oor finest Jock Public to wheelie sort 'is crimewave oot. He could gie the local polis a hand again and help them get a few clean ups en 'a. Maybe he'll get the gang leader, Bin Hiden.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

What does a Scotsman wear over his kilt?

I missed this report in the Register.

Damn, that's my cute futret sporain banned then. Where am I going to put my uisge-beatha?

I take it that it is still OK for me to have a dagger stuck down my sock though?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Lest we forget

What with all that's going on in the rest of the country, let's spare a moment again for Jon Henry's kith and kin on the day of his funeral.

It is just under a month ago that Jon met an untimely death and our prayers and thoughts should be for his soul, as Joe90 beautifully put it:

And I never passed a cry for help,
though at times I shook with fear
and sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
except to calm their fear.
There was silence all around the throne,
where saints had often trod,
as the policeman waited quietly,
for the judgement of his God.
Step forward now Policeman.
You've borne your burdens well.
Come walk a beat on heaven's streets,
you've done your time in hell.

then his passing from this earth will be only to a better place.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I saw a funny thing today

Nuff said!



Hat tip to 200 weeks.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Blow me!

This will have to be quick one! Late shift followed by early turn and all that.

I was flabbergasted by this report in the local 'news'paper.

This could add a whole new meaning to the phrase uttered by our hoors, "No glove. No love."

It also reminded me of the way I was taught to remember which was which between stalagmites and stalagtites.... the latter go* down!

I wonder what the frail old lady freezing beside her 1 bar fire in her house this winter will make of all this.

Cracks me up, so it does.

* ( alternatively come)

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Ratburglars

Animals get bad press when it comes to metaphors for being under the affluence of incahol.

There's Drunk as a skunk, Pissed as a newt and Rat-arsed.

As far as the last item goes, it seems that these rat faced recidivist rodents are just as partial to drop of whisky and beer as Noddy.

If the Polis over in India need somewhere more secure than a cop shop to keep their 'stash', Noddy has volunteered his services. Noddy tells me he'll keep the whisky safe.

I told him to pull the other one, it's got Bells on!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Detectives Reducing Figures

It's OK folks, you can get back off the floor. It's not what you think.

I came across this article from CNN and wondered whether the initiative to get the CID out doing foot patrol had caused an exponential rise in the requirement for new breeks, or the unaccustomed exercise had caused a shrinkage in their waistlines!

You decide.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Aping reality?

A tourist visiting Toytown™ walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted it with a collar and leash, handed it to the customer saying, "That'll be £5,000." The Sgt. paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, and is certified in pursuit driving - well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive. £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a firearms training monkey. It can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit tactics,investigative techniques and even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000. "That one must be even better? What does it do?"

"That one is a general response duties monkey. He is required to know everything about anything, be there yesterday and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys can't see any more, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong."

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything yet, but it says it's a detective!"

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I speak English. I learn it from Powerpoint.

Que?

Weel its offishel noo, at least ats fit the Evening says. I cannae spik Doric at work.

Some Cambridge Don has decided at ers an affy lot o' wiys to say "Aye" an noo we hae tae say, "Yes, Yes."

Weel a' I hae tae say tae 'at is, "Awa bile yer heid."

Clearly the Empire thinking isnae deid jist yet doon south in Ivory Toor land.

Fit's mair Toytoon™ Constabulary hae £25,000 tae lern us a' hoo tae spik couthy an' I hae tae ging on a course tae dae that. Am fair looking forward tae the poorpint presentashin. Shid be a richt hoot.

Roger and oot min.



© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Trawlerman II

Aye min, it's a sair fecht oot in yon nirth sea.

It's guid to see yon programme back and noo withoot too mony subtitles fer the cousins in Sassenachland.

My lugs detected a wee bit o' elocution has bin happnin wi' the loons on board jist tae mak it a wee bittie easier tae follow.

Michty me, imagine 'at. Abidy in yon Bloo Toon spiking couthy! Fitever next?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

THE First Lady

I'm not supposed to be political, but for this brave lady I will gladly make an exception.

I am in awe at her selfless devotion to a valiant cause.

On her birthday, to quote the words of William Wallace, let us pray for and demand her richly deserved and heinously overdue "FREEDOM" now!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Advertisement

Planet Police = One Stop Cop Shop. It's a top notch Police Blogs aggregator.

If you haven't visited - you should. Makes life easy. The author should be commended on his/her initiative. Obviously not from a SMT!

Click here for the RSS.

While I'm at it, check out the newbie from Toy Town™.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dad's. Who would have them?

Well, the plus point for Father's day was that both the loons remembered!

I am now the proud owner of a humongous bar of choccy, a bag of cashew nuts, 4 bottles of speciality ale, another Bill Bryson book and most importantly a Chelsea FC dvd.

Crikey, they know me too well!

What with all these weekends off coming up, I might actually get a chance, in between DIY, to put my baffies on and settle down to a rather pleasant evening in beside the fire.

Kids, I luv 'em I do.

p.s. Hat tips to The Thin Blue Line and the Hobby Bobby for the videos.

p.p.s. Click on the photo to go large and see the adoration in full!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sing Hallelujah

I've just realised that between next weekend being a rostered weekend off, a training course causing (shame) me to have the following weekend off and then 4 off as a result of annual spaniel, that will be 7 weekends off in a row.

You will all be envious I'm sure, but remember that still gives scope for the department of critical emailing to go into overdrive each Monday and on my return from hols. What's more the course is in Custody Handling. I am sooooo looking forward to working the charge counter and cells.

And there's always.......no I can't say it.

So don't be too jealous my friends and be safe.

p.s. Eyesight poor? Stop visiting porn sites or click on the photo to go large!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times