Thursday, July 31, 2008

Running Up That Hill

Well more like walking really, but I am indebted to DBA Dude for reminding me of Kate Bush's 50th birthday yesterday. I am ages with her and her music was part of my youth.

This event gives me a chance to plug one of my favourite bands as they cover Kate's best song and also lets all you myriad readers know that I will be off gallivanting about in the Highlands for the next week or so.

So, no Toy Town™ treats for a while. Can you survive?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Monday, July 28, 2008

It's a cracker

Annual Leave is getting to me.

I'll get my cagoule and hiking boots.

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sunday, July 27, 2008


I was watching the ever wonderful Top Gear this evening, (the last in the current series till the Autumn - boo hoo) when I heard someone swear quite profusely.

No, it wasn't Jay Kay - who was repeatedly
bleeped when he resorted to the vernacular - but the Presenter of Top Gear's German equivalent and in his native tongue.

I anticipate that there will be a hurricane of Mary Whitehoosies, that (like me) can speak a little Deutsch, spitting fire and jamming Auntie Beeb's pabx along with quite a few irate Krauts, Wops and Nips. (If you want to email the Beeb try or just join the flock and phone).

I am of the opinion that this programme proved the Germans do have a sense of humour (somewhere) by taking part.

It got me thinking though about some of the right clangers I've read this week in the news and other blogs. Anyhow here's a plug for some of my blogtastic comrades who keep the anti PC flag flying high and a few other snippets of daftness from the virtual chip wrappers of tomorrow.


Scotland's finest!

Perverse Perception.

Being British.

Josie's Joy.

Naughty Nike.

Blunt Message.

A wee Drama.

Like the man said, "Arschloch!"

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Friday, July 25, 2008


The hardships.

The poor wee mites.

Nae mair Grand Theft Auto for the incarcerated.

Anyone heard of books? (colouring or otherwise!)

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Treading water

It appears we are off to arbitration again as the PNB talks have broken down.

But then again we are not a special case (and Fido deserves a wee bit of recognition too) are we?

Just a thought, upon which government will the arbitrators be 'suggesting' their pay settlement figure?

Sink or swim?

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Tory transportation twoc'd

...... but hold on, there's detection on offer here.

Listening to: Queen - Bicycle Race
via FoxyTunes

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Check out this Judge's conclusion to a recent case here.

Sometimes our Judiciary get right to the point and arrow in precisely on the target.

With such accurate wit perhaps the Sheriff should consider a stint at Bow Street.


I'll get my hiviz......

Listening to: Sparks - Fletcher Honorama
via FoxyTunes

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

O K what have they done to you?

Imagine giving a bairn such a daft moniker (sic).

It's amazing the level to which folk will sink.
Having said that, I know of one poor soul in my parish who has all the surnames of the championship winning Celtic team of his year of birth as his forenames.

Listening to: Tori Amos - Talula
via FoxyTunes

p.s. I did like the choice of B&H though.

© Big Ears

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Pump up the Volume

Sacre Bleu!

Vee have it all explained. Zat Stringfellow chappie eez a very clever man, he simply turns up ze discotheque and ze punters tombez au-dessus d'ivre ou du combat avec la police plus rapide

Well you don't go to a nightclub if you want genial conversation do you?

Listening to: M/A/R/R/S - Pump up the Volume
via FoxyTunes

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Fit's 'at?

What's this? You go guess.

This was sent to me by my cousin over the pond, so don't y'all go thinking we Brits are the only ones to go soft and wiberal.

Any ideas?

Does this help a bit?

This is in Austria. It is a Justice Centre.

Clearly they have a different idea of how to handle criminals.

It is called Justizzentrum Leoben.

Homeless people should have it so good!

My Colonial cousins quote that, "Once again the taxpayer gets stung." Where have I heard that before?

So much for punishment or deterrent. Hand me the switch-blade now.

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this comparison chart should make things a little bit clearer:


You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell

You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle


You get three fully paid for meals a day

You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it


For good behaviour, you get time off

For good behaviour, you get more work


The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself


You can watch TV and play games

You could get fired for watching TV and playing games


You get your own toilet

You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat


They allow your family and friends to visit

You aren't even supposed to speak to your family


All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part

You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners


You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

You must deal with sadistic wardens

They are called 'managers'

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Beware of Needles

Just a quick post tonight and a hat tip to Dickiebo for this puzzling nonsense.

It's a mad world

Listening to: Tears for Fears - Mad World via FoxyTunes

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Out of the mouths of babes

According to the Torygraph, a 366 page guide (How many pages?) from the NCB has these observations for carers of toddlers....

"Toddlers who turn their noses up at spicy food from overseas could be branded racists by a Government-sponsored agency.

The National Children's Bureau, which receives £12 million a year, mainly from Government funded organisations, has issued guidance to play leaders and nursery teachers advising them to be alert for racist incidents among youngsters in their care.

This could include a child of as young as three who says "yuk" in response to being served unfamiliar foreign food."

Hat Tip to First In for highlighting this bit of PC nonsense, although apparently it is only an ENGLISH problem.

What a pizza nonsense. Now I'm not one to curry favour with the non-diverse elements in our populous, but this sort of tripe is fodder to them. (I'll get my reflective jacket...)

Psalms 8:2
: Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies, that thou might still the enemy and the avenger.

Matthew 21:16:
And said unto him, Hear thou what these say? And Jesus said unto them, Yea; have ye never read, Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?

p.s. I suspect the photo's unintentional undertones, on so many levels, will offend or appal someone, somewhere, but it's cute!

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sunday, July 06, 2008

20 Years ago

Just two words matter tonight - PIPER ALPHA.

I have made a point of blogging at this exact time today.
20 years ago (hmmm - do you see my drift?) at this exact time, I made it home on a Wednesday night after a 7 day shift and a 13 hour day and had just walked home, noticing that the sky was unusually full of helicopters.

I sat down with my uisge-beatha in one hand and my leann in the other, ready for my weekend off, with the telly on in the corner on the news channel trying to figure out what was happening in Toytown
™, when the phone tinkled.

That's when, as they say, the brown stuff hit the fan. "PC Noddy get your behind into HQ, you are on the Casualty Documentation team for an offshore incident mate," said a clearly agitated, now retired, Constable Constable (honest that's his name).

I spent most of the rest of the week and the weekend answering calls from all around the world from families, some destined to be bereaved, asking them all sorts of personal questions.

Initially, like many others we saw the pictures of casualties arriving by whirlybird at Toytown
™ Hospital and figured they'd be the worst ones. That's natural isn't it. Worst casualties to the front of the queue and all that.

However, just after 1am a deathly hush descended on the major incident room as our skipper announced that they would be the only ones that would be coming home and that, at this early stage, the expected death toll would be 170. The final toll was 167.

Let's just say the phones didn't stop ringing thereafter and just as well, because no-one wanted to dwell on our thoughts at that time.

Some time later I was at Hazlehead Park when they unveiled the memorial to the victims and patrolling nearby discreetly, when one of the survivors came over towards me and away from the ceremony. He was clearly needing someone to talk to and wanting away from the throng.

I spent a truly humbling 30 minutes or so speaking to Bob Ballantyne about his experiences and why he felt unable to be in amongst the bereaved due to his feelings of guilt in surviving. I was glad I was there to share our very different experiences of the day, because there can be no doubt THAT DAY did effect many people in many differing ways.

Bob, sadly, is with us no more, passing away at only 61 years of age from cancer (incidentally just like my father). Before his passing, he did much to pressurise those in power to prevent such a disaster happening again. It will be his lasting legacy to all those who perished and all those who still grieve today and especially tonight.

God has a purpose for us all, however convoluted it might seem!

Oidhche mhath leibh.

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Twenty Years

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.

Listening to: Placebo - Twenty Years
via FoxyTunes

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Spot the dog

A while back I directed readers to the Piemen Polis website to see their newest recruit.

Well it appears he hasn't gone down too well in some corners, ken, all because he's donned his bunnet.

Apparently puppies aren't allowed to be cute any more and TayPol stand accused of being ham fisted with this dog's dinner of a plug for their spanking new call centre and making a pig's ear of it.

What a load of PC poop, or as my ickle bruvver put it, "barking mad" (due apologies to a' yon feel folk - ed.)

Listening to: Donny & Marie Osmond - Puppy Love
via FoxyTunes

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times