Sky News report that Paris Hilton says she has found God and plans to "do things differently" when she is freed from prison.
The hotel heiress said she was no longer a "superficial girl" and realised that acting dumb was "no longer cute".
It's not that I'm doubting you young lady, but watch this space.
God is not an accessory!
A case of the blind leading the blindingly insane has been revealed by investigation into a bridge collapse in China.
Sky News report the barely believable incident where a blind contractor, who built and designed the bridge, was allowed to alter blueprints in such a manner that the bridge fell injuring twelve.
Can you think of any other situations like this?
I'd had a late turn and an early visit from the gas board, so once they'd finished I had a wee siesta. Just afore I climbed the wooden hill I'd read early reports about a fatal shooting by Police in Kent, but little was known at this time. Up to date reports such as from Sky News and Reuters give a fuller picture. Seems the guys down there took affirmative action and after the recent tragedy with PC Richard Gray, you can hardly blame them, but musn't pre-judge eh?
So, to the main gist of this post, unfortunately I also woke to the reality check that is the death of PC Jon Henry in Luton. My problems were washed away into a pool of insignificance as I tried to empathise with the grief of Jon's kith and kin. Doesn't work does it, but prayers do, tonight and every night and save a prayer for the morning after.
You can read other colleagues' blogs and thoughts here (the first I went to was, as usual, spot on) where I'm sure Jon's passing will not be forgotten.
A couple of points must be made though.
Toytown Constabulary have decided to jump on the bandwagon as far as Air Support is concerned and as reported by the local evening paper, to weed out Chinese cannabis cultivation in couthy country cul-de-sacs and leafy (sic) suburbs.
I have posted previously about this trend and note similar ventures elsewhere.
Are they boy's toys or could the money be better spent elsewhere. Let's have your views.
Personally, I think our own use, as described, is very positive given the geography of our region and the population density (or rather lack of it outside Toytown itself). I have seen comments on this subject downplaying the significance of this specific drug, but it is self evident from the alleged involvement of Triads that the cultivation of cannabis supports a myriad of other evils. Quite literally there is no smoke without fire.
The heat is on.
In a shameless attempt to promote fellow bloggers and dig up previous posts, it has come to my attention that beasties are topping the news agenda this week.
There's poor old persecuted Dave the Dolphin about whom you can read more here and here. To which I've already commented, "Flippin' heck, there was poor old Dave duckin' and divin' like a good 'un havin' a whale of a time when...." (see I can do mockney too!)
Then there's a spate of dog related tails, sorry tales, such as my personal favourite which is sure to have PeePee biting. Or you can have this one to which the only response can be, "You can't be serious." Mind you I've posted about dog on dog before.
If you are considering a visit to the Beijing Olympics stick to BurgerKing and you will be safe from Ronald Rat, that well known anagram. How can this make you scared of fluffy bunnies? But, on the other hand, maybe you should be.
Seems the Japanese have got the right idea.
Judging fae a' yon comments on PeePee's post, folks is haein an affa time makkin oot fit I wis bleeterin on aboot.
Weel on Friday nicht I wis oot in een o' yon hoolivans wi' 3 ither loons and een quine in Toytoon's toon sinter. Noo, in true profeshnel mannir we a' thocht it wid be richt guid if we renamed oorsels the Trotters.
Bein the auld mannie it wis my jobbie to tak on the mantle o' Uncle Albert, the Speshel, bein as she's a wimmin, was Marlene, the new loon wis Boysie, the young een wis Rodney an' the stripey wis Del Boy.
Yiv ken it's fair set fer a lang nicht fan yon maun is fool an' the nichts short in these pairts, bit it disnae help fan the Spesh says, "Ken is, it's affa QUIET." Chorus o' firstly, "Nooooooooooo!" followed by (in best Boysie spik), "Marlene, get your handbag, you're leaving."
Trawlin the toon sinter o' Toytown, the Trotters turn doon a een wiy laney doon the side o' a kirk an' fit shid they keek there? There's this quine squattin doon, breeks and keks aroon her enkles haein a number een. Mind 'is taks place next to God's hoosie. A bonnie sicht it wisnae. Marlene and Boysie gets oot the Transit like scaulded futrets an' remonstrate wi' the quine. The rest o' us tak bets on far she bides in toon. We settle on een cooncil estate an' I wander across to the quine an' ask. "Far div yi bide?" "Northfield" she says. I walk back to the motor, leevin Marlene an' Boysie open mooed and report back to Del Boy an' Rodney wi a "Close, bit nae cigar." The quine wis geein a flee in her lug an' sent on her way and reminded o' God's wrath. Marlene an' Boysie ask, "Fit wis a' that aboot Uncle? Yiv jist cam o'er and asks far she bided an' en walked off." Explanations made an' abidy wis happy.
Eftir a few wee scuffles, we drive doon a cobbled street wi pubs and clubs doon each side an' a puckle o' chippies an' kebab hoosies. Noo, the young eens wi a buckit foo think yon street is a pedestrian only laney. It's nae. Oot waddles this Michelin mannie in front o' oor mobile jail and the stripey shoots oot, "Watch the van min, you'll damage it ken." Windaes are shut, it wis jist for oor benefit. Onywiy MM walks doon the street and we follow makkin observations on 'is loons girth wi much mirth as he gings closer to een o' they chippers I telt yiv aboot. Bets are placed agen o'er if he'll go in. He gets nearer an' Rodney pipes up, "Go on. You know you want to." As he gings intae the shoppie there's a chorus fae the Trotters jist like fan the Huns goalie taks a goal kick at Pittodrie. Coorse I ken, but hey min, it wis a lang nicht.
Noo, up at the end o' yon street, there's a puckle o' Chinese asylum seekers and folk fae a' they newcomers to the EEC, sellin sinnel roses, flashy lichties an' the new craze fer cooboy hats. We are then stoppit by a glaikit Joe 90 lookalike stottin aboot a bittie who regales the stripey wi the famous, "I ken you're bizzy, bit can i ask you a queshun, hic." Stripey replies, "Are you capable?" "Aye min, i'm capabubblehh," the gifted een replies. He gings an tae enquire if yon street vendors shud hae a licence. Aye weel they shud really, bit at eftir 3 in the mornin yer nae gaunna chase them up. Joe 90 taks umbrage at 'is bit o' commin sense an tells the stripey, "Dis at mean I can ging up to yon folk an tell em 'Yer fuckin shit is bollocks'? Trotters dissolve intae hysterics and Joe 90 staggers off in a huff. Ferthir up a street we see anither soak wi a cooboy bunnet. We pull alangside an' enquire. "Have you lost summin? Soak is fair dumfoonert an looks aboot himsel. Trotters in chorus shout oot, "Far's yer horse?" Soak taks a minty, bit 'en' maks a fair impression o' Frankie Dettori as he gallops nagless up the street to chorus o' YeeHah or was it Yahoo (Toytown Polis 'in' joke)
It helps the nicht pass an' aff we went tae oor hames chucklin.
The public....we love you honest.
Regards,
Uncle Albert.
Black in Blue: A training session with Twining
Barking. Completely.
n.b. You'll need this link too for the comments field.
Those wacky Cloggies have come up with a blinder for our ever increasingly bleezin' yoof.
Reuters report that Dutch students, not content with a Snowball or a half litre of Grolsch, have designed a powdered alcopop, which apparently circumvents existing laws on possession of alcohol by minors and has been specifically designed with this demographic in mind.
Worryingly, the article continues, "A number of companies are interested."
Parents - you have been warned. This can only be BAD.
Personally, I'm sticking to whisky and beer!
Stating the bleedin' obvious has reached new heights as reported by the Beeb.
A Sussex Police Inspector charged with researching the correlation between lunar cycles and crime statistics has deduced that a full moon really does bring out the worst in mops.
Continuing his utterly incredulous research, he has also deduced that crime increases on pay day.
As a result of this genius, it has been decided to up the strengths of patrols on such days - sorry nights. Guess who won't be out there though?
Can I have an office to study the effects of heroin and crack cocaine addiction? It's my guess it fuels crime, but a nice little budget for the research and a cosy daytime job would be nice.
Is it any wonder we have lost faith in statistical analysis!
A national "Britain Day" to celebrate its values and achievements is being proposed by two senior ministers.
Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly and Immigration Minister Liam Byrne say it could be a new bank holiday or linked to the state opening of Parliament.
In 2006, a survey by BBC History magazine suggested the anniversary of the signing of Magna Carta in 1215 would be the most popular day for a Britain Day.
The 15 June date was favoured by 27% of the 5,002 people polled, ahead of VE Day (8 May) with 21%, and D-Day (6 June) with 14%.
Not many Scots would have voted for the 15th June, as I have alluded to in the past.
Chip on shoulder getting bigger!
Of course these MPs (who sound surprisingly like their ancestry is in the Emerald Isle) could always hijack the truly Scottish day - Hogmanay. At least we'd get double bubble for working it.
Remember, your vote counts (are you taking note IG? But, then of course you get a lump sum).
Correct politicalness has now permeated even twitchers, according to this report in the Register.
Kind of ruins the byline for this photo then!
It's almost as bad as saying 'Roger' on your Airwave terminal.
You could get roasted for that too soon.
Was this in the Tory manifesto or is it another sleazy vote grabber?
A truly classic typo.
It was a beautiful day here in Toytown for the first day of June. Well it was until the haar set in.
There I was at 6am on the 2nd speaking to a group of teenagers who'd decided, in the sunshine, to pitch their tent on the outskirts of town at a local 'beauty spot'.
When they'd set up home for the night (having told their olds that they were variously staying at each other's house for the night!) it had been, as they called it, "Paradise."
Looking at them now, wrapped up in quilts and sleeping bags shivering in 'T' shirts, in the cold of the morning accentuated by the haar so dense it was like drizzle, I had to ask, "I don't know why."
It was lost on them as I continued, "Call someplace Paradise, kiss it goodbye!"
Kids!
We've all been there. You know what I mean, the sort of house where you come out scratching your head for more than one reason!
The piles of collected rubbish, some mouldy, some not. The literally hundreds of milk bottles, some washed, some not. The faeces covered toilets, the empty bottles of cheap vodka. More often than not here's a sad old soul sat in the only corner of the room not part of this tip....and often they themselves are shabby, unkempt, quiet...too quiet. Too often they have passed away without anyone noticing.
OK so that's the heavy, melancholy bit over, now the dark humour... I got to thinking how dumb do you have to be to bring the detritus into your office from the shitehole you have just visited, when I thought about the above and the linked article from the Beeb. How many times have you come away literally itching to scratch that feeling of well ..... you know FLEAS!
Bet ya's all itching now, but probably not just like Ms Hilton!
p.s. I eagerly anticipate comments relating to crustaceans!
p.p.s. I did consider heading this post "Good Crieff".
I do like my Guinness, and those wonderful people from the Kingdom of Fife have come up with the perfect answer for the morning after.
I does, however, say something about the Scottish diet (a contradiction in terms if ever there was), what with Mars bars in batter and the like.
I dinna usually post emails I receive, but jist noo' an' en een hits yon mark and I jist hae to share.
Yiv micht hae sin 'is afore, but hey.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A COP WHEN.......
1. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
2. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
3. You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
4. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery and a car chase.
5. You conduct a PNC check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
6. Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.
7. You find humour in other people's stupidity.
8. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.
11. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "It's quiet tonight."
13. You refer to your favourite restaurant by the junction at which its located.
14. You have always wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...getting it right the first time."
15. You have never had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
16. You believe the Sergeant is a sh*t magnet possessed by a demon.
17. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
18. The person you're speaking with states, "That's not mine. I have no idea how that got there."
19. You believe anyone who says, "I only had a half" is definitely going to blow red.
20. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
21. People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places.
22. You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.
23. You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
24. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize their mate and shout, "They've come to get you, Jimmy."
25. You do not see daylight from November until May.
26. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.
27. You've ever started a sentence with the phrase "We had this great dead body earlier. You should have seen it."
28. A week's worth of laundry consists of 7 shirts, 7 pairs of socks, and 7 pairs of pants.
29. You've ever referred to Thursday as "My Monday".
30. Anyone has ever said, "Haven't you got anything better to do? There are rapists and murderers out there and you're stopping me for drink driving".
Since everyone else is doing it......here goes:
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I have the same middle name as my mum [same last one as my dad - doh!]
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Semi-final Champions League 2007.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Well it's better than my foot.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Lamb.
5. DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? I'm male, we don't get pregnant stupid!
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Aye, click here
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? See above.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No. I have Acrophobia.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Real Porridge made the night before.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I checked and .....no!
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Mentally - yes. Physically - when needs must.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Toffee and pecan.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? There's less in the countryside.
15. RED OR PINK? Do you not read this blog regularly?
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My pursuit of perfection.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My dad.
19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I'm in the scud......!
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Rice pudding.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The hum of my computer.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? White....think about it.
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS? Jo Malone perfume/bath oil on my Missus
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My wife's best friend.
25. WORST HABIT? Sleeping too much - in the land of Nod!
26. FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Non-judgemental.
27. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Footie and F1
28. HAIR COLOUR? Brown, but increasingly grey.
29. EYE COLOR? Green
30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
31. FAVOURITE FOOD? Steak.
32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Latter.
33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Rambo - dunno why though!
34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I've already said I'm.......
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, 'cos they are rare round here.
36. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs.
37. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Cranachan
38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? No comment.
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Recidivists.
40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? John O'Farrell - I blame the scapegoats.
41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE MAT? Chelsea FC logo.
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Top Gear, Brainiac [with the youngest loon], then to bed...early turn.
43. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SOUND? Silence.
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Both.
45. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? The U.K.....'cos I lived in Malaysia!
46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Sleeping!
47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? I'm a yellow belly conceived in Aberdeen.
Looking forward to the court case on this latest gizmo inspired by Apple's iPod. Should be a headline writer's godsend!
Regular readers - well there must be some - will have noticed my leave of absence.
Been in a depressed state of late what with the blues surrendering their championship to the Manks and the exit from Europe at the hands of Liverpool.
However, we weren't the only ones.....
Yesterday, I was somewhat nervous that it was about to be penalties again, when up stepped Drogba to net just in time and restore some pride.
I have also been pressed into decorating (just like Ms Hulett) by she who must be obeyed, so there's been little time to scribe.
Going back to the footie, the local bunch managed a creditable thrashing of the 'Gers today and will have UEFA football next season. That should see them embarrass themselves with a thrashing by Dinamo Whatever of some Balkan nation and all the local hullabaloo can calm down.
I was amused though by Jose's quips about his fellow national.
Pot/kettle?
P.S. Given that the cup final was a sort of unofficial 3rd and 4th place play-off for the Champions League, does that mean we beat the Manks twice?
