Friday, January 25, 2008

Cute just now!

Tayside Police have revealed their latest recruit in the fight against crime.

Check out the wee mite's diary for more photos.

One for

Even Dickie might go Ahhh!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times


It's January 25th and all around the land and amongst the diaspora (with the exception of the USA), Scots will be dissecting haggis, mashing neeps and boiling tatties. The whisky will be brought out of the cupboards and folk will be blethering on about sonsy faces and wee timorous beasties.

We will be having a traditional Burns Supper at hame with some friends. Any excuse for some uisge beatha!

Meanwhile at Follyrood our MSP's find life on the front line in the canteen dangerous and suffer another type of burns. Apt name for the victim though and glad to see she's back in the pink.

Whilst she ladled a heep of misery on herself, look what this clown is up to from the Labour Party. It would be best to be properly clued up on your football before you postulate on riots in Gretna. I could spoon feed him - Gretna play their home matches at Fir Park in Motherwell.

Which neatly takes me back to the beginning of this post.


© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Thursday, January 24, 2008

.... and finally

Another day out in the Smoke beckons for the other boys in blue.

As a conscientious recycler I have a suggestion; there might just be another use for all those white baseball caps for the opposition. Just add a wee embroidered 'Carling Cup 2008 - Runners Up' and there you go.

You've got to the 24th of February to get them sold on Ebay.

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Worth a repeat

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his torch around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Aye" the parrot confessed and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The housebreaker relaxed. "Warn me, fit? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the housebreaker laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

I've got the donut stall franchise

Later today the largest congregation of Police Officers since G8 2005* will assemble in the Smoke.

If the sight of that many Polis in one place doesn't cause immediate shock to all and sundry, then nothing else will.

I can hear the locals at Westminster saying, "When you want a Policeman you can't get one and when you don't, look what happens."

I know there will be support from some of our loons and quines despite our wee success in being granted the full arbitrated amount. Me, I'm working, but I wish all on the march well and hopefully Ms Spliff will come to her senses and allow the regulars in England, Wales and Northern Ireland what is morally and rightfully theirs. It amazes me that she has 'allowed' PCSO's and support staff the full 'whack', although greetin' about it. Oh, hang on, they have a Union.

Watch this space though!

Oh aye, check the Scottish buses for 'carry oots' before you let them out on the streets of London please - we wouldn't want a richt clamjamfry of Polis next to yon ither clamjamfry of jokers at the Home Office. Ca Cannie folk.

* -
Were you there? I was.

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Arbeit macht frei

Kids, who'd have 'em? Well, apparently the Russians would.

Now that's what I call a boot camp.

What with 4 year old Toytowners
™ committing housebreakings (burglaries) and 1/3 of teenagers drinking to get drunk (?) this kind of alternative form of community service seems like it might not be as cruel as first thought, though it does make the mind boggle that the Germans came up with the idea, what with their history.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Lonely Hearts

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column of a Glasgow newspaper.

Grossly overweight Skye turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.

Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b @ stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.

Box 40/27

Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.

Box 23/59

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times


Whilst I'm on the subject of drink, this article from the Beeb shows what the evil of drink does to Toy Town™. Let's hope the Licensing Board find the footage sobering.

The effects of excess alcohol, as any Polisman knows only too well, would try the patience of a saint, or even Father Ted.

Update: You win some and you lose some.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Everything's crossed

I meant to post on this a while back, but there were a few things happening that made me forget.

We are exceptionally lucky in Toy Town
to have this facility and I, along with many of my colleagues and A&E staff, will be keeping our collective fingers (and toes) crossed it maintains its funding.

Police Officers will readily understand how much easier it is and safer to drop off your D&I custody into the hands of trained staff who have proper facilities for looking after 'drunks.' Not only that, but there's only one form to fill in and no report.
Repeat that last bit slowly to take it in properly! Wizzo.

Custody Officers (that would be me occasionally) will appreciate the relief of not having to take care of drunk and incapables, being as they can be one of the highest risks in police care.

For those not Job, then I can only explain it by saying that D&I's would be a royal pain in the posterior, but for this facility. My colleagues up further north who don't have the same luxury will tell you just how much they envy us toonsers. To get the picture, here's the two contrasting scenarios and the possible consequences. Now decide if the designated place is worth funding?

1 - Present set up.

A Drunk and Incapable individual (could be a wino or YOU after a heavy night out!) is technically arrested for a contravention of Section 50 of the Civic Government (Scotland) Act 1982, and conveyed to Albyn House. Here two staff take over his/her care and breathalyse the stocious 'een. If the reading is too high then it's off to A&E. If it's too low then the 'drunk' is suitably chastised for seeking a warm bed and put on their way. Otherwise they get a bed and time to sober up in a room with high tech monitoring equipment and care from non Polis persons which reduces any conflict that might occasion itself in Police cells. A brief property form and details are completed and a copy kept by the Polis and staff at Albyn House. I drive off into the sunset!

2 - Without Albyn House.

Arrest stocious 'een and convey to Polis Station. Go through time consuming rigmarole of booking custody in. Mop up pavement pizza, urine etc that drunk effuses in waiting area, cell etc . Search custody and his/her usually minging clothing. Custody staff watch drunk like a hawk as the statistical incidence of choking/death etc. with drunks is very high - ask any custody officer if he is happy to have a D&I in the cells. Raise crime report, knowing that the soak will be released without charge when sober, but hey we need a crime report don't we. This is all supposing the cheery custody officer goes as far as accepting your custody rather than telling you to foxtrot oscar over to A&E first to get the staff there to say the stocious 'een is fit to be detained in Polis cells. Let's not forget the drunk is a custody so you can expect to wait for him/her to be seen and we all know how hard pressed A&E staff are. Don't expect to be back on the streets in a hurry!

I might add that if the stocious 'een ends up in Polis custody, he/she does not get the after care that is, at the very least, offered at Albyn House.

I would be interested to hear if any other Polis bloggers have a similar service in their area and also their views on the matter.

UPDATE: Good News

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The burning question today is.....

Look no further than the
Torygraph for today's hottest news clip.

A final gesture?

There's more advice on reducing your carbon footprint here!

Cryptic, moi?

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Organ Grinder

Since being back at work this year I have successfully managed to avoid Response Policing by being seconded to other duties. I've even managed to work dayshifts in my 'flute'.

Good one you might think.

Well sort of, but all it means is that those enquiries I aimed to to get done in between attending the humdrum calls of each and every day don't get done and the files just get mouldier and mouldier.

So it was with a mixture of relief and dread that I ended my secondment and went home for a couple of days off.

The relief didn't last long. Cue telephone call at home. "Noddy, we've put you down for custody officer duties this week," says the resource clerkess.

Oh well dear public, looks like your crimes will just have to wait even longer to be solved. Me, I've just about forgotten what most of them were about myself. Perhaps I should get an assistant with better memory skills.

p.s. I have avoided any direct reference to apes of a particular variety.

p.p.s. Note to self.... You really should stop being volunteered for all these gimmicks.

© Mr Plod

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Bliadhna Mhath ùr

Oh yummy! Eldest son's Xmas pressie to his Dad is going down too well.

Slainte Mhor!

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times