When in Rome

Wacko and (c)rappers of the world you would be well advised to be aware of the latest piece of Italian legislation.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Don't Panic

I'm very humbled that certain folk have missed me and others have worried that the rubber heelers have sussed me out.

The simple fact is that there have been a number of unrelated reasons why this blog has not figured high in my priorities of late.

Firstly, I have recently changed ISP, upgraded my PC's memory and added a DVD rewriter and oh how I like playing with my new toys! Speaking of which there's now a Playstation 3 and Nintendo Wii to enjoy as well. I should grow up and yesterday I did. OK, I will forgive all of you for forgetting to wish me well.

Secondly, I have changed beat and as Gazza will confirm, WOW, quelle difference. Having suffered the PAIN of patrolling the very hub of Toytown™, I now look after a morass of sink estates and bizarrely this has proved so much more fun and a tonic to my weary body.

I now have time to breathe between calls and (apologies for the boss speak) am so much more pro-active. My intel stats and performance measured activities have sky-rocketed and YOU know how important that is these days.

I come home with a smile and go to work actually looking forward to a shift (well as much as anyone loves going to work!) Long may it continue.

This has had the effect of me being considerably less stressed at work and at home.

Accordingly, I have become a human again (well as human as a Copper ever can) and humans do more than sit in front of the internet grumbling about their job being shafted by Politicos. I think it is no coincidence then that the best (or most consistent) bloggers are fellow response officers, who are suffering the result of incessant tampering with the way the job is approached. You should therefore logically be able to measure my level of stress by the quantity of posts I submit. Please tell me how I'm getting on if you start to worry!

I'm not one to kiss and tell when it comes to calls I attend, well not until a fair bit of dust has settled, but my return to the wonders of policing cooncil estates has encouraged me to spill the beans on one I went to on the last set of Nights.

I received a hurried point to point from one of my female colleagues advising things were 'a little heated' at her call. She was with another female colleague at a flat trying to extricate a teenaged quine from her father on the instructions of the equally overstretched and thus absent SWD.

Big Daddy (see below) wasn't having any of it. My male colleague and I blued and two'd it down to their locus and ran up the stairs to see a doppelgänger for 'five bellies' yelling the usual bravado at us including the fact that he would, "spik to youse quines, but I'm nae spikin to yon twa fucking cunts." I retorted with a, "Nice to meet you too Sir."

He went on to advise us that it would take more than me and my colleagues to remove the wean. I took this to mean he would stand sideways in the corridor and effectively block any light with his belly, but apparently he was ready for a fight according to my colleagues as their fingers were itching over their CS sprays. I am such an optimist! Anyway, using God's best weapon we gobshited our way out of the hovel masquerading as a house with the wean, who incidentally was nearly awarded an Oscar for her panic attack scene.

Now all this took place well past bedtime (about 3.30 am) and in all the accompanying yelling and wailing (mainly from me, because my refreshment was chilling in the Microwave where I'd hurriedly left it) WE had woken an upstairs resident, who in wonderfully feminine and erudite language advised us WE had woken two of her precious wee darlings and wished the "fucking pigs" an early death and questioned our parentage from a now widely opened and surprisingly intact window of the close's top landing.

It's great to be appreciated for all the work we do.

Back soonish.

p.s.

There was a third reason for not posting i.e. there's been a lot of footie on the telly, but I will not be spurred on to elucidate on that!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dutch web designer goes potty

I like to think I've put a little effort into how this web page looks, but clearly I need to consider a trip to Amsterdam and a little recreation to inspire me at my work.

Flash or what?

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Cute just now!

Tayside Police have revealed their latest recruit in the fight against crime.

Check out the wee mite's diary for more photos.

One for Whichendbites?

Even Dickie might go Ahhh!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Burns

It's January 25th and all around the land and amongst the diaspora (with the exception of the USA), Scots will be dissecting haggis, mashing neeps and boiling tatties. The whisky will be brought out of the cupboards and folk will be blethering on about sonsy faces and wee timorous beasties.

We will be having a traditional Burns Supper at hame with some friends. Any excuse for some uisge beatha!

Meanwhile at Follyrood our MSP's find life on the front line in the canteen dangerous and suffer another type of burns. Apt name for the victim though and glad to see she's back in the pink.

Whilst she ladled a heep of misery on herself, look what this clown is up to from the Labour Party. It would be best to be properly clued up on your football before you postulate on riots in Gretna. I could spoon feed him - Gretna play their home matches at Fir Park in Motherwell.

Which neatly takes me back to the beginning of this post.

Neeps!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

.... and finally

Another day out in the Smoke beckons for the other boys in blue.

As a conscientious recycler I have a suggestion; there might just be another use for all those white baseball caps for the opposition. Just add a wee embroidered 'Carling Cup 2008 - Runners Up' and there you go.

You've got to the 24th of February to get them sold on Ebay.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Worth a repeat

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his torch around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Aye" the parrot confessed and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The housebreaker relaxed. "Warn me, fit? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the housebreaker laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I've got the donut stall franchise

Later today the largest congregation of Police Officers since G8 2005* will assemble in the Smoke.

If the sight of that many Polis in one place doesn't cause immediate shock to all and sundry, then nothing else will.

I can hear the locals at Westminster saying, "When you want a Policeman you can't get one and when you don't, look what happens."

I know there will be support from some of our loons and quines despite our wee success in being granted the full arbitrated amount. Me, I'm working, but I wish all on the march well and hopefully Ms Spliff will come to her senses and allow the regulars in England, Wales and Northern Ireland what is morally and rightfully theirs. It amazes me that she has 'allowed' PCSO's and support staff the full 'whack', although greetin' about it. Oh, hang on, they have a Union.

Watch this space though!

Oh aye, check the Scottish buses for 'carry oots' before you let them out on the streets of London please - we wouldn't want a richt clamjamfry of Polis next to yon ither clamjamfry of jokers at the Home Office. Ca Cannie folk.

* - Were you there? I was.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Arbeit macht frei

Kids, who'd have 'em? Well, apparently the Russians would.

Now that's what I call a boot camp.

What with 4 year old Toytowners™ committing housebreakings (burglaries) and 1/3 of teenagers drinking to get drunk (?) this kind of alternative form of community service seems like it might not be as cruel as first thought, though it does make the mind boggle that the Germans came up with the idea, what with their history.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Lonely Hearts

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column of a Glasgow newspaper.

Grossly overweight Skye turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b @ stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
Box 23/59

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Drink!

Whilst I'm on the subject of drink, this article from the Beeb shows what the evil of drink does to Toy Town™. Let's hope the Licensing Board find the footage sobering.

The effects of excess alcohol, as any Polisman knows only too well, would try the patience of a saint, or even Father Ted.



Update: You win some and you lose some.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Everything's crossed

I meant to post on this a while back, but there were a few things happening that made me forget.

We are exceptionally lucky in Toy Town™ to have this facility and I, along with many of my colleagues and A&E staff, will be keeping our collective fingers (and toes) crossed it maintains its funding.

Police Officers will readily understand how much easier it is and safer to drop off your D&I custody into the hands of trained staff who have proper facilities for looking after 'drunks.' Not only that, but there's only one form to fill in and no report. Repeat that last bit slowly to take it in properly! Wizzo.

Custody Officers (that would be me occasionally) will appreciate the relief of not having to take care of drunk and incapables, being as they can be one of the highest risks in police care.

For those not Job, then I can only explain it by saying that D&I's would be a royal pain in the posterior, but for this facility. My colleagues up further north who don't have the same luxury will tell you just how much they envy us toonsers. To get the picture, here's the two contrasting scenarios and the possible consequences. Now decide if the designated place is worth funding?

1 - Present set up.

A Drunk and Incapable individual (could be a wino or YOU after a heavy night out!) is technically arrested for a contravention of Section 50 of the Civic Government (Scotland) Act 1982, and conveyed to Albyn House. Here two staff take over his/her care and breathalyse the stocious 'een. If the reading is too high then it's off to A&E. If it's too low then the 'drunk' is suitably chastised for seeking a warm bed and put on their way. Otherwise they get a bed and time to sober up in a room with high tech monitoring equipment and care from non Polis persons which reduces any conflict that might occasion itself in Police cells. A brief property form and details are completed and a copy kept by the Polis and staff at Albyn House. I drive off into the sunset!

2 - Without Albyn House.

Arrest stocious 'een and convey to Polis Station. Go through time consuming rigmarole of booking custody in. Mop up pavement pizza, urine etc that drunk effuses in waiting area, cell etc . Search custody and his/her usually minging clothing. Custody staff watch drunk like a hawk as the statistical incidence of choking/death etc. with drunks is very high - ask any custody officer if he is happy to have a D&I in the cells. Raise crime report, knowing that the soak will be released without charge when sober, but hey we need a crime report don't we. This is all supposing the cheery custody officer goes as far as accepting your custody rather than telling you to foxtrot oscar over to A&E first to get the staff there to say the stocious 'een is fit to be detained in Polis cells. Let's not forget the drunk is a custody so you can expect to wait for him/her to be seen and we all know how hard pressed A&E staff are. Don't expect to be back on the streets in a hurry!

I might add that if the stocious 'een ends up in Polis custody, he/she does not get the after care that is, at the very least, offered at Albyn House.

I would be interested to hear if any other Polis bloggers have a similar service in their area and also their views on the matter.

UPDATE: Good News

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

The burning question today is.....

Look no further than the Torygraph for today's hottest news clip.

A final gesture?

There's more advice on reducing your carbon footprint here!

Cryptic, moi?

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Organ Grinder

Since being back at work this year I have successfully managed to avoid Response Policing by being seconded to other duties. I've even managed to work dayshifts in my 'flute'.

Good one you might think.

Well sort of, but all it means is that those enquiries I aimed to to get done in between attending the humdrum calls of each and every day don't get done and the files just get mouldier and mouldier.

So it was with a mixture of relief and dread that I ended my secondment and went home for a couple of days off.

The relief didn't last long. Cue telephone call at home. "Noddy, we've put you down for custody officer duties this week," says the resource clerkess.

Oh well dear public, looks like your crimes will just have to wait even longer to be solved. Me, I've just about forgotten what most of them were about myself. Perhaps I should get an assistant with better memory skills.

p.s. I have avoided any direct reference to apes of a particular variety.

p.p.s. Note to self.... You really should stop being volunteered for all these gimmicks.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Bliadhna Mhath ùr

Oh yummy! Eldest son's Xmas pressie to his Dad is going down too well.

Slainte Mhor!


© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

In Memoriam

I woke to ponder the fact that, were they alive, my parents would have celebrated their golden wedding anniversary today.

I recall well that my ickle bruvver and I would always make a fuss of the folks on their day. It was a splendid way to say thank you for all the many things they did for us and of course the presents we had received just two days previous. It helped to make for an extended Xmas period and a true family time. I miss them both, but especially today, when the memories flood back.

It was with great sadness then that I read of the untimely death of PC Chris Roberts, who didn't even get to see his own 50th. It reminds me of our own mortality and that we really do not know what is around the corner in our jobs and life in general. My parent's deaths were far too early, but nothing to compare with what has befallen Chris's three kids. My prayers tonight are with them and his kith and kin. Oh, and with Mum & Dad too.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Chill

I may be approaching the half-century, but I have a passion for this guy's trance music. If things are a bit hectic this Xmas day, chill with this amazing video.... my pressie to you.



© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Christmas Crackers

First off congratulations must go to Toy Town™ FC for their exceptional result last night in the UEFA cup. The Dandies have now drawn a cracker against Bayern Muenchen.

Regular readers know I'm really a fan of the Blues, but I was there at Pittodrie in 1983 when the Dons, en route to winning the European Cup Winners Cup, embarrassed the German Meisters. Wonder if I will be working on Valentine's Day?

Secondly, I'm about to delve into the myriad of mumbo jumbo and mystification over the Xmas celebrations.

Many have posted over the place of a Christian celebration in our diverse and multi-cultural society. Let's get one thing straight. Xmas has little to do with Christ and let's stop pretending otherwise. In other words, why do we insist on the use of His name in the moniker for what is essentially a pagan winter holiday aggravated by the pavlovian devotion to greed and excess typified by modern secular society.

In my brave new world we would continue to recognise the birth of Christ by maintaining the education and interaction children get at skool with nativity shows and the like, but we would weigh this against the need to celebrate Easter as the truly significant time for Christians.

I could ask you to consider the devout and essentially pure stance taken by some of our local Presbyterians at this time. Surprised? Personally, I prefer this tale. It about sums up my view perfectly. So go on enjoy the festivities! Only spare some time and contemplation for your Maker. If you don't, this could happen to your weans.


Meanwhile, at your local Primary Skool, it's just as well the new security system doesn't listen in as well as talk to the kidz.

Did I mention I was now on my Yuletide / Festive / Seasonal / Winter Holiday (a.k.a. Annual Leave) till the third day of next year and that I have got my SPP and full 2.5%?

I'm off to drink mucho whisky and beer. Will think of you as I do.

Finally, does anyone know how much a Wii weighs?


© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

An email you SHOULD read

Dear Noddy,

Thank you for supporting our think differently about autism campaign. Together we will improve the lives of the 1 in 100 people in the UK with autism by creating a better understanding of autism in society.

Today we launched the final two parts of our campaign film which highlights some the challenges a person with autism can face everyday. Though the film only shows one of the many ways autism can affect an individual, it is a vital tool to help increase understanding of autism.

Let’s ensure as many people as possible see these films!

Please forward on this email to all your contacts asking them to watch all four parts of the campaign film and then forwarding them to their own contacts.

Visit: www.think-differently.org.uk/viewourfilm.

Together we can use the internet to help people think differently about autism!

On 5 February 2008 the next stage of the campaign will launch focusing specifically on the desperate lack of services and support available to adults with autism across the spectrum. We will be demanding the UK Government takes action to address this issue and will need your support to make this happen. We will be in touch in January 2008 to explain how you can get involved.

For more information about the campaign please email us at thinkdifferently@nas.org.uk or call and leave a message on 020 7923 5788.

Thank you for your ongoing support!

Benet Middleton
Director of Communications

The National Autistic Society 393 City Road, London, EC1V 1NG, United Kingdom. Tel: +44(0)20 7833 2299, Fax: +44 (0)20 7833 9666, Email: nas@nas.org.uk VAT registration number: 653370050; Registered charity number: 269425

© The National Autistic Society 2007

Jockularity

It’s Xmas, so in the spirit of the season, here’s some festive cheer ‘cos I know you southerners need a little cheering up what with H.M. Government’s Scrooge-like behaviour over pay.

(p.s. Click on the pic to enlarge a representation of a modern day Glesga nativity)

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says, "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
The girl replies, "From the top of my head right down to my knickers."

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan" she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
‘Oor Wullie.’

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
He was in his cell.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says, "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa dear," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice, "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband, "Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
And he says, "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says, "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

Hat tip to P.A. over at B.P.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times