DC at one of his private parties gave some helpful advice in return for a cool 250,000 beer tokens, "Please fill a jerry can with pasties and stamps. You don't want to take a chance on shortages." ... and look at the photo they got of him.
© Noddy
.... have all the fun.
By the way, did you know Fireman Sam was a ginger?
Why can't I get calls like this and this to brighten my day.
I have to ask how the Lothians F&R Service justified their call out and just how do you cover a camera in chocolate? That certainly made Bumpy Dog raise his eyebrows.
No doubt they called it a training exercise. It sounded like a bit of a marathon, but it made me snicker.
Getting back on topic in respect of the wee rodent, and being ever resourceful, I have found a friend more than willing to find Fudgie.
Indeed, as you can see, she begged me to be let loose.
She whispered to me that she's a no nonsense, don't need all that specialist kit, cat. That's a boost. She did ask if there was a bounty though. I told her that it would be no picnic, but if she was successful she could revel in being a smartie and do a twirl.
Ripple of applause please!
Time out methinks.
UPDATE:
Thanks are due to DBA Dude again for keeping me up to speed on developments in the crisis situation and major incident that was the disappearance of Fudgie. A Galaxy of friends met her when she reappeared. No photo opportunity though as she was so tired she just flaked out.
Sweet!
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Some of you may recall the furore over the non-diverse nature of the standard Highway Code sign for wrinklies trying to cross the road.
I'm glad to report that suggestions have now been submitted for a more PC replacement.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Annual Leave is getting to me.
I'll get my cagoule and hiking boots.
© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Check out this Judge's conclusion to a recent case here.
Sometimes our Judiciary get right to the point and arrow in precisely on the target.
With such accurate wit perhaps the Sheriff should consider a stint at Bow Street.
Bullseye!
I'll get my hiviz......
Listening to: Sparks - Fletcher Honorama
via FoxyTunes
© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
Listening to: Placebo - Twenty Years
via FoxyTunes
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Wotcha,
Jist every so aften I scribble doon a few lines in the Doric. 'At' s fit Toytooners spik, min.
It seems some folk cannae get a grip o' fit a' these new folk fae the continent are yappin on aboot.
Well, it seems that even the natives fae the southside of the Smoke cannae get themselves understood either.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Oh go on yersel, try a search at Woolies for 'duster'.
Methinks they need to clean up their search engine!
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his torch around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Aye" the parrot confessed and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The housebreaker relaxed. "Warn me, fit? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the housebreaker laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Real ads from the lonely-hearts column of a Glasgow newspaper.
Grossly overweight Skye turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08
Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 53/41
Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87
Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
Box 12/32
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b @ stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27
Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07
Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
Box 23/59
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Since being back at work this year I have successfully managed to avoid Response Policing by being seconded to other duties. I've even managed to work dayshifts in my 'flute'.
Good one you might think.
Well sort of, but all it means is that those enquiries I aimed to to get done in between attending the humdrum calls of each and every day don't get done and the files just get mouldier and mouldier.
So it was with a mixture of relief and dread that I ended my secondment and went home for a couple of days off.
The relief didn't last long. Cue telephone call at home. "Noddy, we've put you down for custody officer duties this week," says the resource clerkess.
Oh well dear public, looks like your crimes will just have to wait even longer to be solved. Me, I've just about forgotten what most of them were about myself. Perhaps I should get an assistant with better memory skills.
p.s. I have avoided any direct reference to apes of a particular variety.
p.p.s. Note to self.... You really should stop being volunteered for all these gimmicks.
© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times
It’s Xmas, so in the spirit of the season, here’s some festive cheer ‘cos I know you southerners need a little cheering up what with H.M. Government’s Scrooge-like behaviour over pay.
(p.s. Click on the pic to enlarge a representation of a modern day Glesga nativity)
A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says, "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
The girl replies, "From the top of my head right down to my knickers."
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan" she replies.
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
‘Oor Wullie.’
Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
He was in his cell.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says, "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa dear," says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice, "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband, "Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
And he says, "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan."
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says, "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.
Hat tip to P.A. over at B.P.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
A wee(gie) Davy & Boaby joke from the Glasgow Guide:
n.b. This post has been scrutinised and fails to meet Human Rights legislation and diversity protocols. Tough titty.
An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs-Élysées with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.
Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?
Davy: Aye, that's right big yin. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.
Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?
Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby?
Bobby: Aye.
Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.
Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap.
Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.
Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Boaby?
Bobby: Aye.
Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.
Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dogs, ah widnae touch them wae yours big yin.
Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?
Bobby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!
....... and there was you thinking the tag would be about a certain footie match.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
I was looking about for some serious crime to report and dug up this.
There's serious crime, petty ones and then there's grave offences.
Surrey Police, get your hiviz jackets......
© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Ronaldinho, Thierry Henry and James McFadden are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldinho first he asks, "What do you believe?"
Ronaldinho looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Barcelona. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldinho the seat to his left.
He then turns to Thierry Henry, "and you, Thierry, what do you believe?"
Thierry stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Henry the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Faddy, "and you, James, what do you believe?"
"I believe" says Faddy, "that you're sitting in my seat."
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
D&C are to be commended on their honesty and straight talking according to a report in the Register.
Meanwhile my colleagues in Strathweegieland have come up with new technology to solve crime.
Finally, sometimes straight talking can get you in hot water.
© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Glasgow Airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car".
Apparently it was taxed, insured and the radio was still in it.
© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Three newspaper articles got me thinking about how we view terrorists in this country.
First off there was the report in the Grauniad fearing that the newly convicted 21/7 bombers will radicalise other prison inmates, which kind of suggests the next report from the Daily Mail, where one of their lawyers believes terror fanatics should have prisoner of war status is a non-starter. Amazing proposal really, because it would fully justify the USA's vindication of Gitmo and we all know that terrorists like to play by the rules.
Lastly, and my favourite is a piece in the Grauniad again which suggests making fun out of the situation is healthy. Now I would have to agree, wouldn't I?
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
Fit like abidy?
Large Lugs here in from the garden with another of my occasional wise observations.
I nearly weed myself reading this report from Sky News.
Barking. Completely barking!
I'm stumped at how stupid some of you humans can be sometimes. Anyway, it was good to see that the dyed money nipped the problem in the bud so to speak.
I think he should get the birch.
What a prune.
© Big Ears
Published by Toy Town™ Times
In the midst of severe terrorist threats, rising interest rates, flooding, Kate and Wills et al, what do the people at The Sun think should be front page news?
Bestiality..... and then we'll have 'fun' with some corny puns. Must be a slow Friday. I will not be yoked into such low behaviour.
Seen below is our heifer humper making a quick getaway.
© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times
