Satire?

Scot Squad - Required viewing.

© Noddy 
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Not so bonnie Scotland

There's good and bad in every apple.

The good.

The bad.

.... and in case you missed the first episode here's the link.

p.s. Check (sic) the Burberry!

p.p.s. an update.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Toilet humour

I do believe that despite protests elsewhere, Auntie Beeb is plumbing even newer depths in toilet humour, though I do find Hacker somewhat fetching in his silver number.

© Bumpy Dog
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Different Thinking

I bump my gums periodically about all things related to Autism.

For a while I've been following Gary McKinnon's plight, so much so that I've started a sidebar widget just for him, so check it out.

I weep at the ignorance and intolerance in society, but I rejoice at the likes of this individual.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Shake ups

Apparently, I was looking a little dated and I have been revamped for the digital age. I was particularly pleased to hear that "Noddy will also have some new vehicles at his disposal - including a helicopter and a monster truck - to help him get around Toy Town."

The Torygraph goes further and tells me that I will "get to have a few adventures down by the harbour." Anyone who lives in Toy Town™ will know that ain't exactly somewhere I should be adventuring. I'm apparently in line for a submarine too. I know it is alleged to be damp round these parts, but that is taking the p....

Meanwhile, Mr Plod drew this latest result of HMG brainstorming to my attention. He told me a little wee came out when he read it (it's an age thing), especially when he heard Liberty were endorsing it. He also suspects there may well be a little public disappointment at the sentencing.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Going for Gold

The ever wonderful Top Gear has a problem.

Given the probable demise of the 'White Stig' and the previous demise of the 'Black Stig', I was contemplating the next colour prefix that could be selected.

In the spirit of diversity and inclusiveness, I had considered the possibility of Pink, but clearly there would be issues if that Stig was ever outed.

I'd thought next of yellow, but that doesn't really conjure up the right macho image.  

Purple was the next brainwave, but I ditched that after considering the Mayhem (sic), Jezza, the Hamster and Captain Slow might create with descriptions of the new Stig's headwear.  

Blue suffers from the same problems and would ensure the programme had a post watershed slot.

Clarkson, "Red Stig - I think not."

Silver sounded good if only for its alliteration, but silver is only second.

Therefore, may I be the first to suggest there is only one alternative.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dead Jolly

Just back from a very long shift that started teatime yesterday.... all say ahh!

As a famous dead Scottish TV detective once said, "There's been a murder."  As anyone Polis related will know, no-one actually says that - it's just a suspicious death till the charges are laid, but it was a good line.

Meanwhile a leading Scot commemorates another dead Scot rather well, if I may say so, here.

While on the topic of videos, please ensure you've seen the video in my last post.  In SMT mode, I require acknowledgement that you have undergone this bit of ODL via the post's Toy Town™  Thoughts link.  I will be checking! 

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

A' Ghàidhealtachd

From the STV series "Highlands" comes this episode about God's own country; Assynt.

Enjoy.

© McNoddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Alba

Once upon a time, before Noddy became Mr Plod, he was a Researcher for a Scottish Office funded national survey and opinion poll on Gaelic. I travelled far and wide up and down and across my wondrous nation asking the good folk about our 'ither tongue'. Well, nearly 30 years later we get a dedicated Gaelic TV station (and still it has to wait for switchover day to go onto Freeview.)

Progress can be slow where 'minorities' are concerned!

Update: Due to popular demand from Joe Public, here's a couple of links to the original song performed by Runrig.

The first Gaelic Music Video - n.b. Serious mullet warning.

Live at Edinburgh Castle.

© McNoddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Arschloch

I was watching the ever wonderful Top Gear this evening, (the last in the current series till the Autumn - boo hoo) when I heard someone swear quite profusely.

No, it wasn't Jay Kay - who was repeatedly bleeped when he resorted to the vernacular - but the Presenter of Top Gear's German equivalent and in his native tongue.

I anticipate that there will be a hurricane of Mary Whitehoosies, that (like me) can speak a little Deutsch, spitting fire and jamming Auntie Beeb's pabx along with quite a few irate Krauts, Wops and Nips. (If you want to email the Beeb try We1x2@bbc.co.uk or just join the flock and phone).

I am of the opinion that this programme proved the Germans do have a sense of humour (somewhere) by taking part.

It got me thinking though about some of the right clangers I've read this week in the news and other blogs. Anyhow here's a plug for some of my blogtastic comrades who keep the anti PC flag flying high and a few other snippets of daftness from the virtual chip wrappers of tomorrow.

Enjoy.

Scotland's finest!

Perverse Perception.

Being British.

Josie's Joy.

Naughty Nike.

Blunt Message.

A wee Drama.

Like the man said, "Arschloch!"

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Don't Panic

I'm very humbled that certain folk have missed me and others have worried that the rubber heelers have sussed me out.

The simple fact is that there have been a number of unrelated reasons why this blog has not figured high in my priorities of late.

Firstly, I have recently changed ISP, upgraded my PC's memory and added a DVD rewriter and oh how I like playing with my new toys! Speaking of which there's now a Playstation 3 and Nintendo Wii to enjoy as well. I should grow up and yesterday I did. OK, I will forgive all of you for forgetting to wish me well.

Secondly, I have changed beat and as Gazza will confirm, WOW, quelle difference. Having suffered the PAIN of patrolling the very hub of Toytown™, I now look after a morass of sink estates and bizarrely this has proved so much more fun and a tonic to my weary body.

I now have time to breathe between calls and (apologies for the boss speak) am so much more pro-active. My intel stats and performance measured activities have sky-rocketed and YOU know how important that is these days.

I come home with a smile and go to work actually looking forward to a shift (well as much as anyone loves going to work!) Long may it continue.

This has had the effect of me being considerably less stressed at work and at home.

Accordingly, I have become a human again (well as human as a Copper ever can) and humans do more than sit in front of the internet grumbling about their job being shafted by Politicos. I think it is no coincidence then that the best (or most consistent) bloggers are fellow response officers, who are suffering the result of incessant tampering with the way the job is approached. You should therefore logically be able to measure my level of stress by the quantity of posts I submit. Please tell me how I'm getting on if you start to worry!

I'm not one to kiss and tell when it comes to calls I attend, well not until a fair bit of dust has settled, but my return to the wonders of policing cooncil estates has encouraged me to spill the beans on one I went to on the last set of Nights.

I received a hurried point to point from one of my female colleagues advising things were 'a little heated' at her call. She was with another female colleague at a flat trying to extricate a teenaged quine from her father on the instructions of the equally overstretched and thus absent SWD.

Big Daddy (see below) wasn't having any of it. My male colleague and I blued and two'd it down to their locus and ran up the stairs to see a doppelgänger for 'five bellies' yelling the usual bravado at us including the fact that he would, "spik to youse quines, but I'm nae spikin to yon twa fucking cunts." I retorted with a, "Nice to meet you too Sir."

He went on to advise us that it would take more than me and my colleagues to remove the wean. I took this to mean he would stand sideways in the corridor and effectively block any light with his belly, but apparently he was ready for a fight according to my colleagues as their fingers were itching over their CS sprays. I am such an optimist! Anyway, using God's best weapon we gobshited our way out of the hovel masquerading as a house with the wean, who incidentally was nearly awarded an Oscar for her panic attack scene.

Now all this took place well past bedtime (about 3.30 am) and in all the accompanying yelling and wailing (mainly from me, because my refreshment was chilling in the Microwave where I'd hurriedly left it) WE had woken an upstairs resident, who in wonderfully feminine and erudite language advised us WE had woken two of her precious wee darlings and wished the "fucking pigs" an early death and questioned our parentage from a now widely opened and surprisingly intact window of the close's top landing.

It's great to be appreciated for all the work we do.

Back soonish.

p.s.

There was a third reason for not posting i.e. there's been a lot of footie on the telly, but I will not be spurred on to elucidate on that!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dog Tired

For fawkes sake would you bipeds give it a rest!

My dear friend, who resides with Noddy and his clan, has been having a hard time of it lately.

Firstly, due to some mistaken belief that back in the mists of time OUR nation was saved from disaster at the hands of a bunch of left footers with some explosive ideas, the last weekend has been torture for us hounds.

Here is some canine advice for you bipeds, especially hereabouts:

1. Guy was bombing about well before the union of parliaments. This is an ENGLISH matter.
2. The date is the 5th of November. It's not the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 9th - delete as required. I mean the ditty wouldn't sound quite right would it, "Remember, remember, the (enter date(s) as required - see point 3), gunpowder, treason and plot."
3. Keep it to the 5th you muppets. OK, so a Monday ain't so convenient what with work and all that. I mean Guy what were you thinking of? Especially when you can set off your rockets, squibs, catherine wheels etc. on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday night to the accompaniment of numerous cans of Tennents, bottles of Buckie and Tesco's own vodka. Wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to mix explosives with alcohol would you. Why not move Christmas to the first day with snow, just so you can all sing like Bing.

Anyway, back to my Pal. She's of a nervous disposition and what with the extended lack of consideration and knowledge of Scottish history shown the last few days, she was in such a state, a visit to the vets was required.

Turns out it wasn't just the extended festivities that had had her cowering behind the settee like Noddy used to when the Daleks were exterminating some extra on TV. It appears she also has a phantom pregnancy.

Any more of this malarky from you humans and the poor bitch will have a phantom miscarriage.

It's nae real.

© Bumpy Dog
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Trawlerman II

Aye min, it's a sair fecht oot in yon nirth sea.

It's guid to see yon programme back and noo withoot too mony subtitles fer the cousins in Sassenachland.

My lugs detected a wee bit o' elocution has bin happnin wi' the loons on board jist tae mak it a wee bittie easier tae follow.

Michty me, imagine 'at. Abidy in yon Bloo Toon spiking couthy! Fitever next?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times