A Sticky End?

... and here's a tip for all Ecomentalists (to quote Clarkson).

Dried treacle, clothes and body hair form a tough bond, especially when the Polis try to search you!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Simples

Just click the logo......

......and for more fun facebookers can try this.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I cannae help masel...

... I just hae tae dae it, min.

Fit?

Aye noo, ye ken a' yon folk doon in Follyrood fa are iywiz on aboot new ideas, the latest een being takkin the age of imbibing up tae 21, weel the Daily Mash has a gae guid tak on it.

I hae telt yi afore that een aff the wrist can be a good alternative.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sex and Games for the Aged

Not having quite reached the landmark half century myself and membership of SAGA, I have this warning for the likes of Dickiebo and the Asda Annihilator.

Once upon a time there were lager louts, now it seems there's Saga Louts.

Brits abroad, you gotta luv 'em.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Every little helps

It has finally been proved that H.M. Government's slavish (sic) devotion to, and compilation of, statistics is rubbish and to whom do local councils turn for help "because Government figures are too unreliable?"

Tesco.

Does that mean they'll be russian to the czech outs then? This Asda be a Lidl bit of a joke. Is this a Safeway to do business?

Sometimes I think the grip on reality at Westminster is poles apart from what you and I can see with our own eyes. It just confirms to me that they are a bunch of neeps (or swedes to my southern cousins).

Stats have always been double dutch and greek to me anyway.

Now, I eagerly await the SMT to try something new today and get their monthly targets from Sainsburys.

It's OK, I've finnished ranting.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

When in Rome

Wacko and (c)rappers of the world you would be well advised to be aware of the latest piece of Italian legislation.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dutch web designer goes potty

I like to think I've put a little effort into how this web page looks, but clearly I need to consider a trip to Amsterdam and a little recreation to inspire me at my work.

Flash or what?

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Old Bill

I tried the quiz and guess what?

I scored as a William Wallace.

I didn't swick either.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Desperate Dan and Little Richard

What a sucker.

It's amazing what some people will do to entertain, but then I should be careful not to be seen as belittling vertically impaired minorities otherwise I might get a row from my buddy.

Small wonder he came to a sticky end. Oh to have been in the A&E that night!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You)

Polis - "Can you describe the thief?

Staff - "They all look the same to me. He just flew off."

Polis - "Oh well at least it's on CCTV, maybe someone will be able to identify the culprit so there's nothing to get in a flap about. We'll soon have the shoplifter up before the beak and doing some bird."



© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Considerate Builder

Considerate Builder

Apparently that's me according to the test I just took spotted by the ASDA Annihilator on the Mr Police Man blog written by a Polisman across the Pond in California.

It's quite spookily accurate and a sight more time consuming than my previous offering, which was nonetheless pretty accurate too.

Try them both and see if you recognise your TRUE self. So no swicking.

Here's what my report said in detail rather than the square thingy. (N.B. If you're reading this in RSS then you might not see the square thingy so come on over to my place to see it).

I am a Builder

I am detail-oriented, cautious, and practical, making me a BUILDER.

I am excellent at focusing on the concrete, functional elements of things, so I'm good at making things happen.

Pursuing novel ways of doing things helps me to be efficient.

I am great to have on a team, as I understand how things work and don't let my ego get in the way.

I am perceptive, down-to-earth, and realistic.

I don't see a need to commit to a set routine or schedule - I'd rather improvise a little.

Although I may doubt myself sometimes, I have the skills and the curiosity to pursue broader adventures.

I like to consider a lot of information before making big decisions, and I think about that information in realistic, thorough ways.

I don't concern myself with flashy styles or surface appearances - I am far too sensible for that.

About me:

I am not afraid to let my emotions guide me, and I am generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

I prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

Never one to be found in chic boutiques or trendy clothing stores, I take an extremely practical approach to getting dressed.

I tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.

If I want to be different:

Think more abstractly about things without abandoning my valuable sensibility.

How I relate to others:

I am Considerate

I trust others, care about them, and am slow to judge them, making me CONSIDERATE.

I value my close relationships very much, and am more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.

I enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.

Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads me to trust people in general, even though I am somewhat shy and reserved at times.

My belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to my sympathy regarding their problems.

Although I may not vocalise it often, I have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and I understand complex causes of people's behaviour.

I like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgement, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.

My close friends know me as a good listener.

If I want to be different:

Because other people would benefit immensely from my understanding and insight, I should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make me uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what I have to say! (Honest, that's what it said).

My Personality Chart

This chart shows thirteen personality traits. Each bar indicates the percentage of test takers who entered a lower value for that trait than I did. For example, if Confidence is at 80, that means that 80% of people entered lower values for confidence questions than I did. Based on a sample of 30,000 users.

Click here to learn more about the traits.

Confidence - 10%
Openness - 70%
Extroversion - 26%
Empathy - 64%
Trust in others - 78%
Agency - 6%
Masculinity - 78%
Femininity - 58%
Spontaneity - 22%
Attention to style - 10%
Authoritarianism - 30%
Earthy v Imaginative - 70% towards earthy
Aesthetic v Functional - 14% towards functional

I designed my own test and here is the additional result:

Wired to the Moon - 100%

Enough, you know too much about me already!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Chilled!

Noddy has advised me that after a week off his work on holiday he has at last managed to chill sufficiently and forget about work.

It is only when you stop that you realise just how stressed and caught up you were in your job.

Mr Plod can apparently now be forgotten about for another two weeks.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

XXX 4 U

Pucker up ladies, it's National Kissing Day.

I'm sticking my neck out tonight - since it's the weekend!

Virtual pecks accepted.

Who thinks up these daft ideas?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Unusual Uses for Watermelons

Picture the scene.

You are woken from a deep sleep by your pet puppy yelping and another dog snarling and set to attack your little ball of fluff.

What do you do?

Well if you live in China you throw watermelons at it and then sink your teeth into - no, not the other watermelons you keep by your bed, but the attacking mutt's neck till it dies.

Don't believe me?

Check this report out from Sky News.

Over here you'd expect a visit from the SSPCA if you did that.










Imagine - throwing fruit at animals. Who'd have thought it?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Detectives Reducing Figures

It's OK folks, you can get back off the floor. It's not what you think.

I came across this article from CNN and wondered whether the initiative to get the CID out doing foot patrol had caused an exponential rise in the requirement for new breeks, or the unaccustomed exercise had caused a shrinkage in their waistlines!

You decide.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Aping reality?

A tourist visiting Toytown™ walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted it with a collar and leash, handed it to the customer saying, "That'll be £5,000." The Sgt. paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, and is certified in pursuit driving - well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive. £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a firearms training monkey. It can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit tactics,investigative techniques and even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000. "That one must be even better? What does it do?"

"That one is a general response duties monkey. He is required to know everything about anything, be there yesterday and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys can't see any more, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong."

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything yet, but it says it's a detective!"

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Well, I've been living next to you

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Agnes were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Agnes promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Agnes's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Agnes the news she said, "Agnes, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Agnes replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Animal Crackers

In a shameless attempt to promote fellow bloggers and dig up previous posts, it has come to my attention that beasties are topping the news agenda this week.

There's poor old persecuted Dave the Dolphin about whom you can read more here and here. To which I've already commented, "Flippin' heck, there was poor old Dave duckin' and divin' like a good 'un havin' a whale of a time when...." (see I can do mockney too!)

Then there's a spate of dog related tails, sorry tales, such as my personal favourite which is sure to have PeePee biting. Or you can have this one to which the only response can be, "You can't be serious." Mind you I've posted about dog on dog before.

If you are considering a visit to the Beijing Olympics stick to BurgerKing and you will be safe from Ronald Rat, that well known anagram. How can this make you scared of fluffy bunnies? But, on the other hand, maybe you should be.

Seems the Japanese have got the right idea.

Yiv ken yoors in the Polis fan.......

I dinna usually post emails I receive, but jist noo' an' en een hits yon mark and I jist hae to share.
Yiv micht hae sin 'is afore, but hey.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A COP WHEN.......

1. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
2. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
3. You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
4. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery and a car chase.
5. You conduct a PNC check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
6. Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.
7. You find humour in other people's stupidity.
8. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.
11. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "It's quiet tonight."
13. You refer to your favourite restaurant by the junction at which its located.
14. You have always wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...getting it right the first time."
15. You have never had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
16. You believe the Sergeant is a sh*t magnet possessed by a demon.
17. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
18. The person you're speaking with states, "That's not mine. I have no idea how that got there."
19. You believe anyone who says, "I only had a half" is definitely going to blow red.
20. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
21. People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places.
22. You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.
23. You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
24. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize their mate and shout, "They've come to get you, Jimmy."
25. You do not see daylight from November until May.
26. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.
27. You've ever started a sentence with the phrase "We had this great dead body earlier. You should have seen it."
28. A week's worth of laundry consists of 7 shirts, 7 pairs of socks, and 7 pairs of pants.
29. You've ever referred to Thursday as "My Monday".
30. Anyone has ever said, "Haven't you got anything better to do? There are rapists and murderers out there and you're stopping me for drink driving".

Lemmings

Since everyone else is doing it......here goes:









1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I have the same middle name as my mum [same last one as my dad - doh!]
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Semi-final Champions League 2007.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Well it's better than my foot.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Lamb.
5. DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? I'm male, we don't get pregnant stupid!
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Aye, click here
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? See above.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No. I have Acrophobia.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Real Porridge made the night before.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I checked and .....no!
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Mentally - yes. Physically - when needs must.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Toffee and pecan.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? There's less in the countryside.
15. RED OR PINK? Do you not read this blog regularly?
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My pursuit of perfection.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My dad.
19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I'm in the scud......!
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Rice pudding.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The hum of my computer.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? White....think about it.
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS? Jo Malone perfume/bath oil on my Missus
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My wife's best friend.
25. WORST HABIT? Sleeping too much - in the land of Nod!
26. FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Non-judgemental.
27. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Footie and F1
28. HAIR COLOUR? Brown, but increasingly grey.
29. EYE COLOR? Green
30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
31. FAVOURITE FOOD? Steak.
32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Latter.
33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Rambo - dunno why though!
34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I've already said I'm.......
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, 'cos they are rare round here.
36. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs.
37. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Cranachan
38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? No comment.
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Recidivists.
40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? John O'Farrell - I blame the scapegoats.
41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE MAT? Chelsea FC logo.
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Top Gear, Brainiac [with the youngest loon], then to bed...early turn.
43. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SOUND? Silence.
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Both.
45. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? The U.K.....'cos I lived in Malaysia!
46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Sleeping!
47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? I'm a yellow belly conceived in Aberdeen.