Jockularity

It’s Xmas, so in the spirit of the season, here’s some festive cheer ‘cos I know you southerners need a little cheering up what with H.M. Government’s Scrooge-like behaviour over pay.

(p.s. Click on the pic to enlarge a representation of a modern day Glesga nativity)

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says, "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
The girl replies, "From the top of my head right down to my knickers."

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan" she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
‘Oor Wullie.’

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
He was in his cell.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says, "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa dear," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice, "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband, "Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
And he says, "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says, "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

Hat tip to P.A. over at B.P.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times