Shake ups

Apparently, I was looking a little dated and I have been revamped for the digital age. I was particularly pleased to hear that "Noddy will also have some new vehicles at his disposal - including a helicopter and a monster truck - to help him get around Toy Town."

The Torygraph goes further and tells me that I will "get to have a few adventures down by the harbour." Anyone who lives in Toy Town™ will know that ain't exactly somewhere I should be adventuring. I'm apparently in line for a submarine too. I know it is alleged to be damp round these parts, but that is taking the p....

Meanwhile, Mr Plod drew this latest result of HMG brainstorming to my attention. He told me a little wee came out when he read it (it's an age thing), especially when he heard Liberty were endorsing it. He also suspects there may well be a little public disappointment at the sentencing.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Bottoms Up.

Some time ago, well actually over three years ago, I posted this.

It was my turn recently to reach the wrong side of the half-century.

I was the lucky recipient of a new all singing and dancing laptop (had to be very careful not to spoonerise that one) since my desktop has been upgraded to the max after it was bought in 2000. I also received a fair few bottles of uisge-beatha. I am amazed how folk know what to buy me!

Whilst out for a meal to commiserate with friends (I hired a telephone kiosk), I was advised by one of the assembled crumblies that I was to wait with trepidation for a wee parcel from the Health Board now that I was officially reognised as old and decrepit and apparently therefore a coffin dodger. I was given the heads up in respect of the fact that I would receive a poop collection kit for my good self to send a sample off to check my bowels, colon and other unmentionables were not suddenly collapsing or riddled with some awful disease now that I had reached THAT age.

Now let me assure you that reaching ....... it's still hard to say it...... 'L' will do ...... is painful enough without indeed receiving said kit a mere 3 days after my birthday. Can't they give us a period of grace?

Just to show how grateful I am, I will wait till my effluent is at its most pungent and then despatch it to those who have a really good jobbie! That'll learn 'em.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Time to get bizzy, apparently.

Personally, I thought I had been, but it seems I need to address some learning points.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I refuse to wear a hoodie

I'm feeling lazy today.

I think my brain has been drained what with all that ramming I've had to do, so I thought I'd just point you in the direction of a few snippets that came to my attention.

First and foremost, let's get to the major headline today......

Postman Pat is now a toonser.

Add this to the nonsense I previously alluded to and I fear for the countryside and all our cherished memories. As stated, I will not be modernising any day soon. No hoodies for me, innit.

What has been genuinely worrying me lately has been the way the media describes 'life sentences'. In some cases this only means a life time order.

In two recent cases, life actually meant 9 years in one sentencing and then 18 months (and with backdating!) in the other. It is only if the scoundrels don't rehabilitate that the life bit kicks in. In the case of the former I'd suggest he's already shown his inability to reform on more than one occasion.

Incidentally, is it just me that finds it bizarre that a prison inmate was allowed out on day release to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I also wonder where there might be room for the blighters to be banged up.

Sticking with criminals, an article directed to me by DBA Dude struck me as being a little non-diverse in suggesting that the average scrote has a poor diet based on fast foods. As Baldrick would say, "I have a cunning plan - feed all custodies Double Whoppers and Big Macs. What's that you say ... we already do?"

There's been some good news. With Joanna Yumley at the helm, they couldn't fail.

Some news even gladdens the heart.

Two final snippets. One from the land of make believe and the other unbelievable.

I'm knackered. Off for a lie down.......but in the bare spedroom!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Go forth and multiply

I have a plan.

It appears that benefit office staff are having a hard time with their sums and the rascals in Toy Town™ are cunningly taking advantage of this inability to cope with basic maths.

As you can see, I have been assembling evidential photographs of my new weans and am just off to fill in a few forms.

Remember Christmas is just 218 shopping days away.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Stationary Traveller

Certain HMG Ministers do not like being cheek by Jowell with the prols.

What is it about champagne socialists that they want us all to live in harmony just as long as certain things are NIMBY?

Mind you, even poor old Basil Brush can make a faux pas when it comes to our Romany friends.

It's just as well then that my mob stick clear of such evil racists.



© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Xmas Message

This year, as every year, the country's Police Officers patiently, nay excitably, await the Home Secretary's seasonal message and veritable morale booster.

Only this year the reception may be as cold as the weather and one or two might receive the missive with the attention and respect shown in the photo attached.

Meanwhile, my good friend Noddy has also read the letter from Ms Spliff to Alistair Dearest and is a tad scunnered on behalf of his friends down south and not exactly full of seasonal goodwill towards double-dealing politicians exhibiting crass double standards.


On a positive note, Mr Plod reports that he has the entire Festive Season off on leave and he WILL be in receipt of the massive pay rise!

So from Toy Town™ at least it's Nollaig Cridheal 's Bliadhna Mhath ùr to you and yours.

Keep safe.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dog Tired

For fawkes sake would you bipeds give it a rest!

My dear friend, who resides with Noddy and his clan, has been having a hard time of it lately.

Firstly, due to some mistaken belief that back in the mists of time OUR nation was saved from disaster at the hands of a bunch of left footers with some explosive ideas, the last weekend has been torture for us hounds.

Here is some canine advice for you bipeds, especially hereabouts:

1. Guy was bombing about well before the union of parliaments. This is an ENGLISH matter.
2. The date is the 5th of November. It's not the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 9th - delete as required. I mean the ditty wouldn't sound quite right would it, "Remember, remember, the (enter date(s) as required - see point 3), gunpowder, treason and plot."
3. Keep it to the 5th you muppets. OK, so a Monday ain't so convenient what with work and all that. I mean Guy what were you thinking of? Especially when you can set off your rockets, squibs, catherine wheels etc. on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday night to the accompaniment of numerous cans of Tennents, bottles of Buckie and Tesco's own vodka. Wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to mix explosives with alcohol would you. Why not move Christmas to the first day with snow, just so you can all sing like Bing.

Anyway, back to my Pal. She's of a nervous disposition and what with the extended lack of consideration and knowledge of Scottish history shown the last few days, she was in such a state, a visit to the vets was required.

Turns out it wasn't just the extended festivities that had had her cowering behind the settee like Noddy used to when the Daleks were exterminating some extra on TV. It appears she also has a phantom pregnancy.

Any more of this malarky from you humans and the poor bitch will have a phantom miscarriage.

It's nae real.

© Bumpy Dog
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Leave a light on

It's that time of year when the nights fair draw in, particularly round these northern parts.

This can be good for us Polis in that the local yoof are less disposed to 'hingin aboot' the local shops etc., but can be bad for you householders who forgot the significance of the change to the clocks this past weekend. Keep a light on for the bit of the day now dark that you spend rushing home from your nice day jobs, otherwise me and my m8s will be round to visit you after the Big Scary Animals have looted your gaff. I don't want to have to say, "Told you. Runaway Horses, stable door etc."

As usual Toy Town™ Constabulary offer a natty little aid for those scared of the dark, but for a more official guide those north of Carlisle could try keeping our communities safe or those southwards could try here.

p.s. Noddy would like it to be known that he does not remove his pyjamas willy nilly for anyone.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Golly Gosh

Once upon a time Toytown™ was institutionally racist, but changed its way.








For some reason certain people cannot believe times have moved on here and elsewhere.








© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Twa Neigbourhood Noddies

The police are getting younger, so my ickle bruvver has volunteered his two eldest to become Neighbourhood and Community Wardens (since PCSO's are something different up in these parts) to help me in my fight against crime.

They are seen here in basic cordon training as Kindergarten Cops a few years back at Toy Town™ Police College Nursery Division and should be ready for duty in a couple of years time.

Perhaps we could call them Neighbourhoodies!

(p.s. My kids are off, one to Italy to be a plumber, and the other to the USA as a sewer Inspector, if their attire is to be followed up in the same way - answers on a postcard welcomed for that little quiz!)

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sold. The family silver!

Did anyone ask me about this?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Miss Pink Cat reports

Good afternoon readers. I hope you are all feline fine. It's been a purrfect week for me.

Firstly, there was that old softy Gadget going all gushy over his new kitty.

Secondly, Twining 'came out' and revealed what a handsome pinko he is. I have decided to shun Mr Plod's advances because he doesn't have stripes like my new paramour, although I've always fancied a wee dalliance with a Black Panther - you know what they say eh?

Must dash off and pen a few lines for the local rag known as the Scratching Post and then try and hook up with PeePee. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Big Ears reports

Hello Toytown readers, it's me Large Lugs 'ere to update you on all that has been going on in the gardens of Scotland of late.

Firstly, I would like to say how delighted I was with this piece of Sterling Police work (geddit?). Personally, I think that the sentence did not reflect the mass kidnapping that went on.

Secondly, I had to comment on this. I think he would have been better off trying this tack rather than spouting the usual shoot yourself in the foot nonsense that those convicted of racist incidents come out with such as, "I am not even racist - I attend an international church where 30% of the congregation are coloured." Oops. I think he said a bad word.

Finally, my dear friend Mr Weed at the Gnome Office has been doing a bit of reorganisation and he tells me there will be a bit more Justice. Noddy tells me that is what he puts in his whisky.

I've heard of self defence......

....but elf defence?

Seems the 'Toy Town Troublemakers Team' have been spreading their wings to Northern Ireland as the Beeb reports as follows:

A man accused of a stealing underwear from a shop in a knifepoint raid believed he was a female elf at the time, Belfast Crown Court has heard.

Robert Boyd, 45, from Broadlands in Carrickfergus, is accused of holding up staff at the Orchid shop in Belfast disguised in a wig, hat and glasses.

He told the court he had been involved in a role-playing game at the time, and his character was an elf named Beho.

He denies robbery but says he may have blurred reality and fantasy.

He also said it "could be right" that Beho had intended to rob the shop - although he told the jury he could not remember what was going through his mind at the time.

He told defence counsel Anthony Cinnamond that within his small social circle he had been participating in a game known as Shadowrun.

The game was set in the future and the assumed characters were criminals, he said.

He told the court his character was a shaman, or magical elf, who carried a small Japanese sword as a weapon.

Mr Boyd, who said he visits a psychiatrist regularly, conceded that he "seemed to have blurred that line between reality and fantasy".

"I can't believe that I personally did that... and I deeply regret that.

"If I had sought some help I would've avoided that in it's entirety."

Prosecutors claim that Mr Boyd knew "perfectly well" what he was doing on the day of the robbery and was "using this memory loss scenario to avoid answering very difficult questions".

The lab technician, from Broadlands in Carrickfergus, denies one charge of robbery.

He is accused of stealing two sets of bras, knickers, suspender belts and stockings from the shop on Lisburn Road on 14 December, 2005.

The case continues.

Perhaps the Naughty Knicker Nicker will get a spell in jail and he can put his ill-gotten gains to use!

I'm keeping my source for this one confidential. Wouldn't want him/her spooked, but you know who you are.

You couldn't make this up, as someone would say.

Happy Birthday Noddy

Birthday Wishes from the Ickle Bruvver

Time to put my feet up

It's a special day today. Yep, it's my first block of Annual Leave.

I'm told there's something else significant about today, but I can't recall what it might be.

Road Taxi Act 2007

Sky News reports that a cab driver has been accused of speeding in his Vauxhall Cavalier - at 420mph!

Tom Matthews was snapped in his 12-year-old diesel car in a 30mph zone.

He received notice of a £60 fine and three penalty points - and then he saw the recorded speed was 420mph.

"I drive an old Cavalier, not a jumbo jet," Tom, 34, told The Sun. "According to this I've broken the land speed record."

Tom was clocked as he drove a woman home in Newport, Gwent, at 2.20am.

Mid and South Wales Safety Camera Partnership apologised and blamed "an employee processing error".

Tom says he will fight the penalty notice if he has to.

"There has been a printing error. If they insist I was going that fast I should be a Grand Prix driver - I'm wasted in taxis," he said.

When these things happen, why oh why does it always happen to those who you know are going to make an issue of the matter and not just laugh it off?

Now let's all guess what speed he was doing and if that was just a tad over the limit too, but then perhaps he believes there is a Road Taxi Act just for him.

"Wasted".....that could be the kid, or old lady, that walks out in front of him at that speed.

It's an amusing clerical error, but still an error of judgement on his part and certainly nothing to be proud of.... speeding is never clever and I speak as Toy Town's very own celebrated cabbie!

Going all Slushy

I love kids and they love me too!

Isn't it great when they are so damn innocent.

Wingman found

It was only a matter of time before Noddy joined Mr Plod in the ASU.