Relocation

This article should induce a few comments from those in and out of the job!

Tests to reveal ASBO babies

This article just about sums up the way society is going these days. Just a thought but couldn't defence lawyers use this as mitigation.

"......my client was not breast fed. He/she was born effectively with a Burberry cap on."

But now there's another report suggesting the bleedin' obvious which counters the old adage that breast feeding is best, well IQ wise anyway.

Happy as a Smurf

It's great to be back on top again!

Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail.............

What is your understanding of the term Bail?

Once an accused appears in court they may be granted Bail as opposed to being remanded in custody. Amongst the usual conditions, being also the most significant for us Plods, is the prerequisite that they do not commit any other offences whilst on said Bail.

Brilliant idea you'd think.

Well it appears that it is only a suggestion, not an order, these days.

I had the misfortune to have to report a miscreant for a custody case the other day who had no less than fourteen, yes fourteen, Bail orders. Took me about two sheets of A4 to list them all in the report.

Part 2 of the quiz is to guess what happened in court the next day when said individual was up before the Sheriff.

Yep, another Bail order and off they go to no doubt create a forest diminishing report for another unlucky colleague when they are next lifted.

As written elsewhere, "You couldn't make this up."

A little light relief

The Long Claws Of The Law - read the full story here.

New Police Blog

Here's another Police Blog worth reading.

Why?

Scotland has the highest suicide rate in the UK, according to figures from the Office for National Statistics.

From 1991 to 2004 the suicide rate among men was 50% higher in Scotland than other UK countries, while the rate for women was double that of elsewhere.

Having, after 5 years, just left a police department that dealt with sudden deaths, I can confirm the figures are appalling, but why? It's a question the bereaved ask anyway in each and every case, but why Scotland? Particularly intriguing is the fact that Shetland 'scores' higher than Scotland in general too. It needs answers and if you want to help (or need it) check out the header link.

Time to eat humble pie

Well for the second seaon in a row the 'Smogmonsters' done for us. The grinning eejit wasn't long in communicating his glee! Good to see Sheva get a goal though.

Now to Blackburn and back on course I hope.

As usual there was the flurry of emails in response to the grinning eejit's missive.

It started this way ......

DON´T YOU JUST LOVE COMING UP NORTH......

PLEASE CAN WE PLAY YOU EVERY WEEK......

STILL LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE....

YOUVÉ ONLY GOT TO PLAY US ONCE MORE.....

AYE ITS AN EASY 6 POINTS EVERY YEAR......

COME ON SOUTHGATES RED AND WHITE ARMY......


BYE BOYS......

To which Steve rightly pointed out....

Typical farkin Boro, only ever hear from you when you win. That would also explain why I never hear from you !

PS Did you go ?. Thought not, I got back in the house @ 4.30am and back to work @ 08.30 (Dedication son)

Enjoy your little moment now, and I'll enjoy our big moment in May !

and Mark said...

And who was it that lost to Reading last week ? ....Reading ?

and I said....

OK OK - we have to give everyone else hope and well done, but after losing to Reading, is your team any better off than us?

Jose was honest enough to say that the Smogmonsters played with more passion than the Blues and let them off the hook, but I suspect your return to the Bridge will be a different kettle of fish, by which time you will be wriggling your way out of the depths of relegation like a bottom dweller and we will be back on top.

p.s. Southgate better get that hair cut or he'll get an Essien!

Speaking of haircuts........

Abel Xavier (Back from drugs ban) samples the Riverside reek!

Just for fun

create your own visited countries map

Nobody was injured!

Just go to this link and make up your own byline!

Hair Raising

After a suitable respite for my poor ickle bruvver (what with him being a Sky Blue supporter) I have to comment on Chelsea's opening match of the season........A STROLL IN THE PARK.

I particularly enjoyed Michael Essien's novel way of assisting Corradi to his feet. Now for revenge against the grinning eejit's mob!

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a Band Aid to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

Best Police Blog.....EVER!

I must thank PC Copperfield, in his outstanding Policeman's Blog for finding
this doozie of a blog and making me chortle this early in the morning on a day off!

As an example, here is a daily incident report regarding a RTC (which is a vehicle accident to you mops) :


A case of Fatal Road accident has been registered in Vittla Police Station. On 10/08/2006 at 1800 hrs one Chethan driver of Bus bearing Reg. No. KA-19-AC-4313 drove his vehicle in a rash and negligent manner and dashed to a motorcycle bearing Reg. No. KA-19-U-4164 driven by one Imthiyaz. As a result pillion rider Suprith (20) sustained serious injuries and died on the spot. Another pillion rider Jesnaru D’souza (17) R/o Chandalike Vittal village Bantwal Taluk sustained simple injuries. Motorcycle rider Imthiyaz did not sustain any injuries.

Read it again..... like me, does that make 3 on the bike?

There's much, much, more ..... from this Sooper in Mangalore!

Dumfoonert

There I was at the beginning of the week watching the Beeb's new reality series ' Trawlermen' when I was fair scunnered at the sudden appearance of subtitles fan a'bidy wis spikkin Doric. I turned to her who must be obeyed and said, "Fit aboot subtitles for yon EastEnders an'a."

It seems that I was not alone in my thoughts that the Beeb were being just a tad patronising, as a few days later this appeared on the Beeb's own website.

Rather than subtitles, hows about folk get to know local dialects such as the Doric, which is spoken about the Broch and obviously in the Bloo Toon.

I also wondered why the crewmen who are obviously nae Blootooners and speak in regional accents as well, were not subtitled.

Losh Bihere!

Back to work

Well that's me home from my first shift back at work.

Things that haven't changed:

1. First call allocated 10 minutes before start of official duty.
2. IT had prevented me accessing computer as I had been away for over a month. Eventually got response from helpdesk 1 minute before aforementioned call allocated.
3. Couldn't find a car. Borrowed Sergeant's.
4. 10 minutes refreshment break in 10 hour shift eventually snatched after 7 hours duty.
   
5. 88 emails in my inbox of which 90% were destined for deletion and eventually read on return to station some 5 hours after commencing duty.
   

But on the positive side things that have changed included:

1. Plenty of water in stock for water dispenser.
2. Air conditioner installed in Muster Room

The joys of Response policing.

New uniform needed

What with record temperatures on Monday for Aberdeen (and I can say it was warmer here inland) and a car thermometer recorded 31c (88f) at Burn o'Vat (nr Ballater) on Thursday, I for one am not bothered if the summers get better and better due to that global warming rumour, but having seen one of my colleagues perspiring, nae expiring, on the main street in Ballater on Thursday as he dealt with the sudden influx of townies escaping the haar, it got me thinking of my next subject report I will need to submit to my gaffers on my return to work on Thursday (82f forecast by the way).

Sir,

I have to report that there is a need for a new summer uniform. It is acknowledged that the death of the collar and tie in favour of the lightweight top thingy is more comfortable in the present weather conditions, but can consideration be given to the issue of designer shorts, RayBans, steel toe-capped sandals and air-conditioned body armour?

And do we still need to wear hats?

PC Betty Swallocks

Mull & Iona

Wow!

Over the years I have managed to 'Island Bag' most of the major Hebrides e.g. Lewis, Harris, North Uist, Benbecula, South Uist, Barra, Vatersay (before the causeway!) Skye, Islay, Bute, Arran, but had omitted the Isle of Mull under the false impression that it was just a tourist haunt typified by the pastel painted village of Tobermory and more recently the CBeebies Balamory kids TV series.

What a serious mistake, but not one that I fully realised till the trip back on the ferry from Craignure to Oban.

We caught the ferry to Craignure and viewed the panoply of the high mountains of the west coast from Ben Nevis, the Mamores and Glencoe down to Ben Cruachan in sunlit splendour to the far east, the hills of Ardnamurchan to the nearer east and Mull's hills and only Munro (Ben More) to the west. The attached photo shows Ben More, Castle Duart and some lucky so and so's on a pair of yachts as we approached Craignure.

Once on Mull, most folk seemed to head off north to Tobermory. Silly people. As they say...'Go West young man'. We did and headed off through the spectacular glacial valleys towards the Ross of Mull, Fionnphort and the isle of Iona. If you've done this journey then you will know what I mean when I say the scenery is unsurpassed.... deserted glens, towering sea cliffs and a geomorphologist's heaven. The single-track road was quiet and a real driver's delight, given that the 40 odd miles to Fionnphort passed in as many minutes. Yeehah! I wish we had had more time to try the road back via Salen (see map), but that's for another time and there WILL be another time!

We got the passenger ferry across to Iona (you don't need a car to discover this Island) and traipsed about the Abbey, Nunnery and village in glorious sunshine. What a place... total chill. St Columba knew a good place when he decided to build his abbey there and not just because he couldn't see his homeland Ireland. The abbey is particularly stunning and along with most of the folk there I was genuinely taken aback by what you see within. I won't spoil it for you, if you've not been, by telling you what's within, but it does surprise you.

The yoofs were less impressed and wanted us to get the first available ferry back, which crosses frequently (as the timetable literally suggested probably to save ink), but we adults let a few crossings pass before heading back to the cars at Fionnphort.

We hurtled slightly more slowly back to Craignure, had a pleasant pint in the pub and caught the ferry back in the evening sunset, when the views were, if anything, more spectacular than those arriving.

So if you are 'mulling' over a place to visit.....

Ahhhhhrgyll

So to Saturday and we cross country westwards via Lochearnhead, Crianlarich, Tyndrum and Taynuilt to 20 miles south of Oban to a cottage called East Kames.


On arrival I am eaten alive by the dreaded midgies and hastily beat a retreat to Oban once the bags were unpacked. Our co-tenants weren't due to arrive till later, so we poked about in Oban for a while. Meanwhile weather improves and, on return to cottage, the midges have obviously overdosed on human blood (mainly mine) and are off annoying sheep in field next to cottage (or as others suggested flown off to get their mates given that my blood seems to be a particular delicacy for the Culicoides Impunctatus.) I am glad to say they did not return till the last night of our stay.

p.s. Best skin applied repellant for midges is Skin so Soft by Avon ..... and this is not a wind up believe me. Click here for other devotees, and if you think it sounds a little ....well girly ..... then I can tell you the hard men of the SAS swear (profusely no doubt) by it.

10 of us stayed at the cottage (and 2 dugs) and its location was idyllic, as can be seen from the view above from the garden.

We visited a number of local sights, go karted, some went horseriding, ate well and kept ourselves well hydrated. The weather was average at the start of the week, but by the end of the week it was truly gorgeous. I only put my rain jacket on once and never needed a jumper.

We made an excursion to Mull and Iona on the Thursday and I will save a blog for that alone...the highlight of the holiday for me and all the other adults.

On the Friday we celebrated Mary's birthday and Peter and Mary's wedding anniversary (Paul didn't make the trip - sic). Mary, Peter, Elaine and I had our best lunch of the holidays at the pink, but otherwise unprepossessing Anchor Inn in Tarbert, Loch Fyne. The food was advertised as award winning and it certainly lived up to the reputation. I suspect an evening meal there would be a winner. The weather by then was scorching, so it was a leisurely 90 minutes in the sun outside, on the only 4 chairs they had, for us. Later there was a surprise party for the two of them and a send off for us all on our last night.

On the trip back we stopped of at the wonderful Ballachullish Hotel for lunch and sat outside stunned by the views and the sunshine. We then set off for Fort William to do some shopping, but the sun had got to she who must be obeyed and she realised she had left her little backpack at the hotel, so back we went. I made the decision that given the weather and the passage of time, that once reunited with the bag, we should travel back via Glencoe. One of my better decisions as it was glorious and boiling hot as we made a comfort stop at Tyndrum, enjoyed an ice cream and lay out in the sun again. It is at times like this that you are truly in awe of Scotland's landscape and glad you couldn't thole a trip abroad.

Junior was less impressed and just wanted to get home to civilisation (i.e. Sky TV, Internet, Subway sannies and his m8s) and told us repeatedly, so off we hurtled to the flatlands of Aberdeenshire!

Now...... Mull and Iona.

Up the Trossachs

For the first 3 days of our holiday we set off for the Trossachs, an area of Scotland I have skirted, but never really visited. What a mistake that had been.

We journeyed down via Perth, Crieff and Comrie to St. Fillans at the eastern end of Loch Earn and stayed in a lochside chalet set in woods beside the Four Season's Hotel. It was unseasonably warm at about 85 fahrenheit on arrival and stayed warm throughout our stay till the Friday night when the rain had to come, but only as mizzle.

We particularly liked Callander and would recommend it as a base for any visit to the area, mainly because it's away from the usual haunts around Loch Lomond favoured by our weegie cousins!

We found some fabulous views particularly on the way to and from Aberfoyle, when we made a slight excursion off the beaten track to Loch Katrine and Inversnaid on the east side of Loch Lomond, where as usual the dug couldn't resist swimming for sticks. Check the map out for the road to Inversnaid from Aberfoyle and try it - quite an experience! I also recommend the Duke's Road out of Aberfoyle for some more spectacular views and at least the road is wide enough for 2 cars.

All in all, I am amazed at the bits of Scotland that I haven't seen before and still manage to delight me. I was standing at the western ferry jetty on Loch Katrine at 6pm and there wasn't a soul to be seen, there, on the road, on the loch and not a sound to be heard other than my 14 year old son moaning about when he was getting something to eat! To which we returned to Aberfoyle and had the best meal of the holidays in the grandiose and spectacular setting of the Gathering Room at the Forth Inn. I seriously recommend you go to this establishment for a malt (they have a fabulous selection) and a meal. She who must be obeyed had Sea Bass and was bowled over. The aforementioned sprog had Lasagne off the bar menu and I know he was hungry, but his plateful was huge and according to him the best Lasagne he has ever had and believe me he is an expert on the subject. The slabs of accompanying garlic bread, chips and serious salad were apparently quite acceptable too. The puds were good as well, though where the loon managed to put that is anyone's guess. It should also be noted that all the staff were local (i.e. not being bleedin' Ozzies) and very pleasant.

So I say.....Up the Trossachs!

In the summertime.......

I'm back from my hols and yesterday we hit record temperatures for this part of the globe - high one's that is! I have even aired my shorts and exposed my peely wallie legs to the world. I'm busy putting together a review of my travels away, but meantime you can see some of the photos on my flickr homepage - just click on the side bar.