I saw a funny thing today

Nuff said!



Hat tip to 200 weeks.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Blow me!

This will have to be quick one! Late shift followed by early turn and all that.

I was flabbergasted by this report in the local 'news'paper.

This could add a whole new meaning to the phrase uttered by our hoors, "No glove. No love."

It also reminded me of the way I was taught to remember which was which between stalagmites and stalagtites.... the latter go* down!

I wonder what the frail old lady freezing beside her 1 bar fire in her house this winter will make of all this.

Cracks me up, so it does.

* ( alternatively come)

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Ratburglars

Animals get bad press when it comes to metaphors for being under the affluence of incahol.

There's Drunk as a skunk, Pissed as a newt and Rat-arsed.

As far as the last item goes, it seems that these rat faced recidivist rodents are just as partial to drop of whisky and beer as Noddy.

If the Polis over in India need somewhere more secure than a cop shop to keep their 'stash', Noddy has volunteered his services. Noddy tells me he'll keep the whisky safe.

I told him to pull the other one, it's got Bells on!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Detectives Reducing Figures

It's OK folks, you can get back off the floor. It's not what you think.

I came across this article from CNN and wondered whether the initiative to get the CID out doing foot patrol had caused an exponential rise in the requirement for new breeks, or the unaccustomed exercise had caused a shrinkage in their waistlines!

You decide.

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Aping reality?

A tourist visiting Toytown™ walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted it with a collar and leash, handed it to the customer saying, "That'll be £5,000." The Sgt. paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, and is certified in pursuit driving - well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive. £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a firearms training monkey. It can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit tactics,investigative techniques and even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000. "That one must be even better? What does it do?"

"That one is a general response duties monkey. He is required to know everything about anything, be there yesterday and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys can't see any more, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong."

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything yet, but it says it's a detective!"

© Chill Bill
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I speak English. I learn it from Powerpoint.

Que?

Weel its offishel noo, at least ats fit the Evening says. I cannae spik Doric at work.

Some Cambridge Don has decided at ers an affy lot o' wiys to say "Aye" an noo we hae tae say, "Yes, Yes."

Weel a' I hae tae say tae 'at is, "Awa bile yer heid."

Clearly the Empire thinking isnae deid jist yet doon south in Ivory Toor land.

Fit's mair Toytoon™ Constabulary hae £25,000 tae lern us a' hoo tae spik couthy an' I hae tae ging on a course tae dae that. Am fair looking forward tae the poorpint presentashin. Shid be a richt hoot.

Roger and oot min.



© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Trawlerman II

Aye min, it's a sair fecht oot in yon nirth sea.

It's guid to see yon programme back and noo withoot too mony subtitles fer the cousins in Sassenachland.

My lugs detected a wee bit o' elocution has bin happnin wi' the loons on board jist tae mak it a wee bittie easier tae follow.

Michty me, imagine 'at. Abidy in yon Bloo Toon spiking couthy! Fitever next?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

THE First Lady

I'm not supposed to be political, but for this brave lady I will gladly make an exception.

I am in awe at her selfless devotion to a valiant cause.

On her birthday, to quote the words of William Wallace, let us pray for and demand her richly deserved and heinously overdue "FREEDOM" now!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

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Planet Police = One Stop Cop Shop. It's a top notch Police Blogs aggregator.

If you haven't visited - you should. Makes life easy. The author should be commended on his/her initiative. Obviously not from a SMT!

Click here for the RSS.

While I'm at it, check out the newbie from Toy Town™.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dad's. Who would have them?

Well, the plus point for Father's day was that both the loons remembered!

I am now the proud owner of a humongous bar of choccy, a bag of cashew nuts, 4 bottles of speciality ale, another Bill Bryson book and most importantly a Chelsea FC dvd.

Crikey, they know me too well!

What with all these weekends off coming up, I might actually get a chance, in between DIY, to put my baffies on and settle down to a rather pleasant evening in beside the fire.

Kids, I luv 'em I do.

p.s. Hat tips to The Thin Blue Line and the Hobby Bobby for the videos.

p.p.s. Click on the photo to go large and see the adoration in full!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sing Hallelujah

I've just realised that between next weekend being a rostered weekend off, a training course causing (shame) me to have the following weekend off and then 4 off as a result of annual spaniel, that will be 7 weekends off in a row.

You will all be envious I'm sure, but remember that still gives scope for the department of critical emailing to go into overdrive each Monday and on my return from hols. What's more the course is in Custody Handling. I am sooooo looking forward to working the charge counter and cells.

And there's always.......no I can't say it.

So don't be too jealous my friends and be safe.

p.s. Eyesight poor? Stop visiting porn sites or click on the photo to go large!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

OK, I will do it

Oh no, she who must be obeyed has just mentioned those two feared letters again and this time I think she REALLY means it.

Is there no respect for MY day?

I may be gone for some time. Wish me well.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Lost in Translation - Pairt Twa

There I wis loupin aboot on my 7am shift a' day on Friday. Ahbudee wis chavvin awa gi'en 'at ers naebidy an till the next yokin time at 5pm.

Weel, yiv jist ken 'at there's aywiz gonna be a shout 'at will keep you ower your lousin time an' sure enough 'ats fit happind.

"Noddy, fit like loon" asks the controller. "Wid ye mind affie bit there's a bittie of a stooshie doon at Sainsburys. Ging doon and see if yiv can sort oot twa Eastern Europeans, a mannie an' a wifie, 'at hae taen a barra foo o' shoppin wi oot payin'."

Hearin 'is a ma freens are on the radio pint ta pintin' me and offering virtual bosies an' bein' nickum. Weel their lugs were fair derlin fae ma responses.

Aff we ging doon the shoppie an' huckle the twa using oor best Doric twang tae scunner them fan, as usual, they baith assure us they cannae spik English.

They wis baith rigget oot in cheap black leather jackets. They must issue 'em at birth o'er there.

The quine began to greet and say it wis a' a mistake. Aye, aye.

Onywiy, we get them back to the stashun an' en stairt trying to get an interpreter. Fit a' stooshie wi had. Div you ken far the nearest bides? Weel losh bihere.... Galashiels. That's nearly in Sassenach Land. Could they kindly come up and assist. Nae chance. We were dumfoonert. Fit tae dae noo then?

Tae cut a lang blether short, we muddled through wi' Language Line an' eventually finished up.... at midnight. Seventeen 'oors, coont 'em. I needed tae get hame and don my baffies. We were baith fair forfechan and ready to hae a buckit. Yiv ken 'at wis a sair chaave!

Aye min, Boysie fair picked a guid day tae be aff.

p.s. You'll be glad to know I speak English. I learnt it from a book!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I know exactly what you're feelin'

It's Father's day and just like the ASDA Annihilator, I find it a day difficult to deal with, but here's a thought ripped mercilessly from one of my favourite 70's bands that I have been cryptically referring to, in best Gadgety* style, in my last few blogs;



Don't let the tears linger on inside now
Cos it's sure time you gained control
If I can help you, if I can help you
If I can help you, just let me know
Well, let me show you the nearest signpost
To get your heart back and on the road
If I can help you, if I can help you
If I can help you, just let me know.

In a recent wishlist, reproduced on a number of blogs, of the 5 people YOU would like to meet in heaven, just supposing we are allowed in, most plumped for their fathers to fill the No.1 spot. A few mentioned Monty aka Viscount Montgomery of Alamein and they liked the photo I linked to of the old man (under the marker) with him taken in about 1948, so I have reproduced it here to mark my old man's place in my heart.










Kids, if you are reading this and also those young enough to have a father to HUG, do so today. He might not be around as long as you would like.

* - check tag for more cryptic connections.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Well, I've been living next to you

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Agnes were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Agnes promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Agnes's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Agnes the news she said, "Agnes, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Agnes replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Kewl Skool

Don't do this and don't do that. What are they trying to do?

What has happened to kids today, or could it be soft teechurz, or is it a H&S risk assessment rotten to the core.

This gives me the pip.

For goodness sake it's flamin' June.

Surely the little urchins will be cooking and baking in this summer heat and the last thing they need is heating!

Weans, wear a semmit and a toorie bunnet if you must. I promise you they are this season's must have. You'd also look like a super tramp!

© Chill Bill.
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Deja Vu

Bizarre really that I didn't give it a moment's thought, given that I've been blogging and also commenting on recent events, but just this very morning at ... yes ... 07:15 hours, interrupting our chit chat with the stripey, a shout goes out, "Grade 1 immediate response" to a nearby newsagents being held up by a loon with a knife.

Six response officers hurtle out of the office (including me after I managed to locate the keys and get them thrown across the muster room by one of our somewhat latchey and deaf nightshift colleagues). The MSU also blues and two's it. Get in car and orange fuel light blinks at me, but what the heck, it's only a short drive to the locus.

Just about there and the first car shouts for assistance. Matey is already boshed up against a wall (nice one Boysie!), knife and contraband recovered and in the back of the van shortly thereafter. Search made for any dropped property takes a couple of minutes and then to the shop. Blinking heck, the Suits are already there sniffing a detection or two.

Job done. Back to the office via Mr Shell.

Then it hits me....there but the grace of God!

I'm getting very close to half way to my telegram from HRH, but this sort of shout first thing in the morning still leaves me buzzing.

What's more there is a recorded recognition of the team's efforts from the SMT in their morning briefing notes.

How different from a couple of days ago in every way other than the devotion to DUTY shown.

Be careful out there.

Three wheels on my wagon

Hat tip to Chas for this post.

Charlie Lima: Pedal Power

Perhaps, any other force who are looking to bolster response times should look no further than here.

Lost for Words

That's just about all I can say after a brief visit to PC Jon Henry's employer's website.

I know words are hard to find at such a time, but where are they?

Disgraceful!

She moves in mysterious ways

Sky News report that Paris Hilton says she has found God and plans to "do things differently" when she is freed from prison.

The hotel heiress said she was no longer a "superficial girl" and realised that acting dumb was "no longer cute".

It's not that I'm doubting you young lady, but watch this space.

God is not an accessory!