Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Blow me!

This will have to be quick one! Late shift followed by early turn and all that.

I was flabbergasted by this report in the local 'news'paper.

This could add a whole new meaning to the phrase uttered by our hoors, "No glove. No love."

It also reminded me of the way I was taught to remember which was which between stalagmites and stalagtites.... the latter go* down!

I wonder what the frail old lady freezing beside her 1 bar fire in her house this winter will make of all this.

Cracks me up, so it does.

* ( alternatively come)

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Saturday, June 23, 2007


Animals get bad press when it comes to metaphors for being under the affluence of incahol.

There's Drunk as a skunk, Pissed as a newt and Rat-arsed.

As far as the last item goes, it seems that these rat faced recidivist rodents are just as partial to drop of whisky and beer as Noddy.

If the Polis over in India need somewhere more secure than a cop shop to keep their 'stash', Noddy has volunteered his services. Noddy tells me he'll keep the whisky safe.

I told him to pull the other one, it's got Bells on!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Detectives Reducing Figures

It's OK folks, you can get back off the floor. It's not what you think.

I came across this article from CNN and wondered whether the initiative to get the CID out doing foot patrol had caused an exponential rise in the requirement for new breeks, or the unaccustomed exercise had caused a shrinkage in their waistlines!

You decide.

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Aping reality?

A tourist visiting Toytown™ walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted it with a collar and leash, handed it to the customer saying, "That'll be £5,000." The Sgt. paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, and is certified in pursuit driving - well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive. £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a firearms training monkey. It can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit tactics,investigative techniques and even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000. "That one must be even better? What does it do?"

"That one is a general response duties monkey. He is required to know everything about anything, be there yesterday and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys can't see any more, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong."

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything yet, but it says it's a detective!"

© Chill Bill

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I speak English. I learn it from Powerpoint.


Weel its offishel noo, at least ats fit the Evening says. I cannae spik Doric at work.

Some Cambridge Don has decided at ers an affy lot o' wiys to say "Aye" an noo we hae tae say, "Yes, Yes."

Weel a' I hae tae say tae 'at is, "Awa bile yer heid."

Clearly the Empire thinking isnae deid jist yet doon south in Ivory Toor land.

Fit's mair Toytoon
Constabulary hae £25,000 tae lern us a' hoo tae spik couthy an' I hae tae ging on a course tae dae that. Am fair looking forward tae the poorpint presentashin. Shid be a richt hoot.

Roger and oot min.

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Trawlerman II

Aye min, it's a sair fecht oot in yon nirth sea.

It's guid to see yon programme back and noo withoot too mony subtitles fer the cousins in Sassenachland.

My lugs detected a wee bit o' elocution has bin happnin wi' the loons on board jist tae mak it a wee bittie easier tae follow.

Michty me, imagine 'at. Abidy in yon Bloo Toon spiking couthy! Fitever next?

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

THE First Lady

I'm not supposed to be political, but for this brave lady I will gladly make an exception.

I am in awe at her selfless devotion to a valiant cause.

On her birthday, to quote the words of William Wallace, let us pray for and demand her richly deserved and heinously overdue "FREEDOM" now!

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Monday, June 18, 2007


Planet Police = One Stop Cop Shop. It's a top notch Police Blogs aggregator.

If you haven't visited - you should. Makes life easy. The author should be commended on his/her initiative. Obviously not from a SMT!

Click here for the RSS.

While I'm at it, check out the newbie from Toy Town

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Dad's. Who would have them?

Well, the plus point for Father's day was that both the loons remembered!

I am now the proud owner of a humongous bar of choccy, a bag of cashew nuts, 4 bottles of speciality ale, another Bill Bryson book and most importantly a Chelsea FC dvd.

Crikey, they know me too well!

What with all these weekends off coming up, I might actually get a chance, in between DIY, to put my baffies on and settle down to a rather pleasant evening in beside the fire.

Kids, I luv 'em I do.

p.s. Hat tips to The Thin Blue Line and the Hobby Bobby for the videos.

p.p.s. Click on the photo to go large and see the adoration in full!

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sing Hallelujah

I've just realised that between next weekend being a rostered weekend off, a training course causing (shame) me to have the following weekend off and then 4 off as a result of annual spaniel, that will be 7 weekends off in a row.

You will all be envious I'm sure, but remember that still gives scope for the department of critical emailing to go into overdrive each Monday and on my return from hols. What's more the course is in Custody Handling. I am sooooo looking forward to working the charge counter and cells.

And there's I can't say it.

So don't be too jealous my friends and be safe.

p.s. Eyesight poor? Stop visiting porn sites or click on the photo to go large!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Sunday, June 17, 2007

OK, I will do it

Oh no, she who must be obeyed has just mentioned those two feared letters again and this time I think she REALLY means it.

Is there no respect for MY day?

I may be gone for some time. Wish me well.

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town™ Times

Lost in Translation - Pairt Twa

There I wis loupin aboot on my 7am shift a' day on Friday. Ahbudee wis chavvin awa gi'en 'at ers naebidy an till the next yokin time at 5pm.

Weel, yiv jist ken 'at there's aywiz gonna be a shout 'at will keep you ower your lousin time an' sure enough 'ats fit happind.

"Noddy, fit like loon" asks the controller. "Wid ye mind affie bit there's a bittie of a stooshie doon at Sainsburys. Ging doon and see if yiv can sort oot twa Eastern Europeans, a mannie an' a wifie, 'at hae taen a barra foo o' shoppin wi oot payin'."

Hearin 'is a ma freens are on the radio pint ta pintin' me and offering virtual bosies an' bein' nickum. Weel their lugs were fair derlin fae ma responses.

Aff we ging doon the shoppie an' huckle the twa using oor best Doric twang tae scunner them fan, as usual, they baith assure us they cannae spik English.

They wis baith rigget oot in cheap black leather jackets. They must issue 'em at birth o'er there.

The quine began to greet and say it wis a' a mistake. Aye, aye.

Onywiy, we get them back to the stashun an' en stairt trying to get an interpreter. Fit a' stooshie wi had. Div you ken far the nearest bides? Weel losh bihere.... Galashiels. That's nearly in Sassenach Land. Could they kindly come up and assist. Nae chance. We were dumfoonert. Fit tae dae noo then?

Tae cut a lang blether short, we muddled through wi' Language Line an' eventually finished up.... at midnight. Seventeen 'oors, coont 'em. I needed tae get hame and don my baffies. We were baith fair forfechan and ready to hae a buckit. Yiv ken 'at wis a sair chaave!

Aye min, Boysie fair picked a guid day tae be aff.

p.s. You'll be glad to know I speak English. I learnt it from a book!

© Mr Plod
Published by Toy Town™ Times

I know exactly what you're feelin'

It's Father's day and just like the ASDA Annihilator, I find it a day difficult to deal with, but here's a thought ripped mercilessly from one of my favourite 70's bands that I have been cryptically referring to, in best Gadgety* style, in my last few blogs;

Don't let the tears linger on inside now
Cos it's sure time you gained control
If I can help you, if I can help you
If I can help you, just let me know
Well, let me show you the nearest signpost
To get your heart back and on the road
If I can help you, if I can help you
If I can help you, just let me know.

In a recent wishlist, reproduced on a number of blogs, of the 5 people YOU would like to meet in heaven, just supposing we are allowed in, most plumped for their fathers to fill the No.1 spot. A few mentioned Monty aka Viscount Montgomery of Alamein and they liked the photo I linked to of the old man (under the marker) with him taken in about 1948, so I have reproduced it here to mark my old man's place in my heart.

Kids, if you are reading this and also those young enough to have a father to HUG, do so today. He might not be around as long as you would like.

* - check tag for more cryptic connections.

© Noddy

Published by Toy Town™ Times

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Well, I've been living next to you

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Agnes were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Agnes promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Agnes's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Agnes the news she said, "Agnes, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Agnes replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

© Noddy
Published by Toy Town

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Kewl Skool

Don't do this and don't do that. What are they trying to do?

What has happened to kids today, or could it be soft teechurz, or is it a H&S risk assessment rotten to the core.

This gives me the pip.

For goodness sake it's flamin' June.

Surely the little urchins will be cooking and baking in this summer heat and the last thing they need is heating!

Weans, wear a semmit and a toorie bunnet if you must. I promise you they are this season's must have.
You'd also look like a super tramp!

© Chill Bill.
Published by Toy Town Times

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Deja Vu

Bizarre really that I didn't give it a moment's thought, given that I've been blogging and also commenting on recent events, but just this very morning at ... yes ... 07:15 hours, interrupting our chit chat with the stripey, a shout goes out, "Grade 1 immediate response" to a nearby newsagents being held up by a loon with a knife.

Six response officers hurtle out of the office (including me after I managed to locate the keys and get them thrown across the muster room by one of our somewhat latchey and deaf nightshift colleagues). The MSU also blues and two's it. Get in car and orange fuel light blinks at me, but what the heck, it's only a short drive to the locus.

Just about there and the first car shouts for assistance. Matey is already boshed up against a wall (nice one Boysie!), knife and contraband recovered and in the back of the van shortly thereafter. Search made for any dropped property takes a couple of minutes and then to the shop. Blinking heck, the Suits are already there sniffing a detection or two.

Job done. Back to the office via Mr Shell.

Then it hits me....there but the grace of God!

I'm getting very close to half way to my telegram from HRH, but this sort of shout first thing in the morning still leaves me buzzing.

What's more there is a recorded recognition of the team's efforts from the SMT in their morning briefing notes.

How different from a couple of days ago in every way other than the devotion to DUTY shown.

Be careful out there.

Three wheels on my wagon

Hat tip to Chas for this post.

Charlie Lima: Pedal Power

Perhaps, any other force who are looking to bolster response times should look no further than here.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Lost for Words

That's just about all I can say after a brief visit to PC Jon Henry's employer's website.

I know words are hard to find at such a time, but where are they?


She moves in mysterious ways

Sky News report that Paris Hilton says she has found God and plans to "do things differently" when she is freed from prison.

The hotel heiress said she was no longer a "superficial girl" and realised that acting dumb was "no longer cute".

It's not that I'm doubting you young lady, but watch this space.

God is not an accessory!

Didn't see that coming

A case of the blind leading the blindingly insane has been revealed by investigation into a bridge collapse in China.

Sky News report the barely believable incident where a blind contractor, who built and designed the bridge, was allowed to alter blueprints in such a manner that the bridge fell injuring twelve.

Can you think of any other situations like this?

Monday, June 11, 2007

Revelation 21:4

I'd had a late turn and an early visit from the gas board, so once they'd finished I had a wee siesta. Just afore I climbed the wooden hill I'd read early reports about a fatal shooting by Police in Kent, but little was known at this time. Up to date reports such as from Sky News and Reuters give a fuller picture. Seems the guys down there took affirmative action and after the recent tragedy with PC Richard Gray, you can hardly blame them, but musn't pre-judge eh?

So, to the main gist of this post, unfortunately I also woke to the reality check that is the death of PC Jon Henry in Luton. My problems were washed away into a pool of insignificance as I tried to empathise with the grief of Jon's kith and kin. Doesn't work does it, but prayers do, tonight and every night and save a prayer for the morning after.

You can read other colleagues' blogs and thoughts here (the first I went to was, as usual, spot on) where I'm sure Jon's passing will not be forgotten.

A couple of points must be made though.

  • The last two Police Officer deaths have seen firearms officers attend and now tasers and baton rounds used. I used to say that the day they give me a gun I would retire, 'cos it would mean the country had gone to ratshit. Well, maybe that time is closer than I thought. I don't have an awful long time to go, but trouble lurks round every corner as they say and there seem to be more corners to negotiate these days. I don't envy my younger colleagues and I will always respect each and every one of them that still join to SERVE others, not least Jon himself.
  • As my post header suggests - We look forward to that time when there shall be no more death.
RIP Jon.

Fly, Fly, Fly High Against The Sky

Toytown Constabulary have decided to jump on the bandwagon as far as Air Support is concerned and as reported by the local evening paper, to weed out Chinese cannabis cultivation in couthy country cul-de-sacs and leafy (sic) suburbs.

I have posted previously about this trend and note similar ventures elsewhere.

Are they boy's toys or could the money be better spent elsewhere. Let's have your views.

Personally, I think our own use, as described, is very positive given the geography of our region and the population density (or rather lack of it outside Toytown itself). I have seen comments on this subject downplaying the significance of this specific drug, but it is self evident from the alleged involvement of Triads that the cultivation of cannabis supports a myriad of other evils. Quite literally there is no smoke without fire.

The heat is on.

Animal Crackers

In a shameless attempt to promote fellow bloggers and dig up previous posts, it has come to my attention that beasties are topping the news agenda this week.

There's poor old persecuted Dave the Dolphin about whom you can read more here and here. To which I've already commented, "
Flippin' heck, there was poor old Dave duckin' and divin' like a good 'un havin' a whale of a time when...." (see I can do mockney too!)

Then there's a spate of dog related tails, sorry tales, such as my personal favourite which is sure to have PeePee biting. Or you can have this one to which the only response can be, "You can't be serious." Mind you I've posted about dog on dog before.

If you are considering a visit to the Beijing Olympics stick to BurgerKing and you will be safe from Ronald Rat, that
well known anagram. How can this make you scared of fluffy bunnies? But, on the other hand, maybe you should be.

Seems the Japanese have got the right idea.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Lost in Translation

Judging fae a' yon comments on PeePee's post, folks is haein an affa time makkin oot fit I wis bleeterin on aboot.

Weel on Friday nicht I wis oot in een o' yon hoolivans wi' 3 ither loons and een quine in Toytoon's toon sinter. Noo, in true profeshnel mannir we a' thocht it wid be richt guid if we renamed oorsels the Trotters.

Bein the auld mannie it wis my jobbie to tak on the mantle o' Uncle Albert, the Speshel, bein as she's a wimmin, was Marlene, the new loon wis Boysie, the young een wis Rodney an' the stripey wis Del Boy.

Yiv ken it's fair set fer a lang nicht fan yon maun is fool an' the nichts short in these pairts, bit it disnae help fan the Spesh says, "Ken is, it's affa QUIET." Chorus o' firstly, "Nooooooooooo!" followed by (in best Boysie spik), "Marlene, get your handbag, you're leaving."

Trawlin the toon sinter o' Toytown, the Trotters turn doon a een wiy laney doon the side o' a kirk an' fit shid they keek there? There's this quine squattin doon, breeks and keks aroon her enkles haein a number een. Mind 'is taks place next to God's hoosie. A bonnie sicht it wisnae. Marlene and Boysie gets oot the Transit like scaulded futrets an' remonstrate wi' the quine. The rest o' us tak bets on far she bides in toon. We settle on een cooncil estate an' I wander across to the quine an' ask. "Far div yi bide?" "Northfield" she says. I walk back to the motor, leevin Marlene an' Boysie open mooed and report back to Del Boy an' Rodney wi a "Close, bit nae cigar." The quine wis geein a flee in her lug an' sent on her way and reminded o' God's wrath. Marlene an' Boysie ask, "Fit wis a' that aboot Uncle? Yiv jist cam o'er and asks far she bided an' en walked off." Explanations made an' abidy wis happy.

Eftir a few wee scuffles, we drive doon a cobbled street wi pubs and clubs doon each side an' a puckle o' chippies an' kebab hoosies. Noo, the young eens wi a buckit foo think yon street is a pedestrian only laney. It's nae. Oot waddles this Michelin mannie in front o' oor mobile jail and the stripey shoots oot, "Watch the van min, you'll damage it ken." Windaes are shut, it wis jist for oor benefit. Onywiy MM walks doon the street and we follow makkin observations on 'is loons girth wi much mirth as he gings closer to een o' they chippers I telt yiv aboot. Bets are placed agen o'er if he'll go in. He gets nearer an' Rodney pipes up, "Go on. You know you want to." As he gings intae the shoppie there's a chorus fae the Trotters jist like fan the Huns goalie taks a goal kick at Pittodrie. Coorse I ken, but hey min, it wis a lang nicht.

Noo, up at the end o' yon street, there's a puckle o' Chinese asylum seekers and folk fae a' they newcomers to the EEC, sellin sinnel roses, flashy lichties an' the new craze fer cooboy hats. We are then stoppit by a glaikit Joe 90 lookalike stottin aboot a bittie who regales the stripey wi the famous, "I ken you're bizzy, bit can i ask you a queshun, hic." Stripey replies, "Are you capable?" "Aye min, i'm capabubblehh," the gifted een replies. He gings an tae enquire if yon street vendors shud hae a licence. Aye weel they shud really, bit at eftir 3 in the mornin yer nae gaunna chase them up. Joe 90 taks umbrage at 'is bit o' commin sense an tells the stripey, "Dis at mean I can ging up to yon folk an tell em 'Yer fuckin shit is bollocks'? Trotters dissolve intae hysterics and Joe 90 staggers off in a huff. Ferthir up a street we see anither soak wi a cooboy bunnet. We pull alangside an' enquire. "Have you lost summin? Soak is fair dumfoonert an looks aboot himsel. Trotters in chorus shout oot, "Far's yer horse?" Soak taks a minty, bit 'en' maks a fair impression o' Frankie Dettori as he gallops nagless up the street to chorus o' YeeHah or was it Yahoo (Toytown Polis 'in' joke)

It helps the nicht pass an' aff we went tae oor hames chucklin.

The public....we love you honest.


Uncle Albert.

Thursday, June 07, 2007


Those wacky Cloggies have come up with a blinder for our ever increasingly bleezin' yoof.

Reuters report that Dutch students, not content with a Snowball or a half litre of Grolsch, have designed a powdered alcopop, which apparently circumvents existing laws on possession of alcohol by minors and has been specifically designed with this demographic in mind.

Worryingly, the article continues, "
A number of companies are interested."

Parents - you have been warned. This can only be BAD.

Personally, I'm sticking to whisky and beer!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Sheer Brilliance

Stating the bleedin' obvious has reached new heights as reported by the Beeb.

A Sussex Police Inspector charged with researching the correlation between lunar cycles and crime statistics has deduced that a full moon really does bring out the worst in mops.

Continuing his utterly incredulous research, he has also deduced that crime increases on pay day.

As a result of this genius, it has been decided to up the strengths of patrols on such days - sorry nights. Guess who won't be out there though?

Can I have an office to study the effects of heroin and crack cocaine addiction? It's my guess it fuels crime, but a nice little budget for the research and a cosy daytime job would be nice.

Is it any wonder we have lost faith in statistical analysis!

Here we go again.....

A national "Britain Day" to celebrate its values and achievements is being proposed by two senior ministers.

Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly and Immigration Minister Liam Byrne say it could be a new bank holiday or linked to the state opening of Parliament.

In 2006, a survey by BBC History magazine suggested the anniversary of the signing of Magna Carta in 1215 would be the most popular day for a Britain Day.

The 15 June date was favoured by 27% of the 5,002 people polled, ahead of VE Day (8 May) with 21%, and D-Day (6 June) with 14%.

Not many Scots would have voted for the 15th June, as I have alluded to in the past.

Chip on shoulder getting bigger!

Of course these MPs (who sound surprisingly like their ancestry is in the Emerald Isle) could always hijack the truly Scottish day - Hogmanay. At least we'd get double bubble for working it.

Remember, your vote counts (are you taking note IG? But, then of course you get a lump sum).

Sunday, June 03, 2007

What a load of **** & bull

Correct politicalness has now permeated
even twitchers, according to this report in the Register.

Kind of ruins the byline for this photo then!

It's almost as bad as saying 'Roger' on your Airwave terminal.

You could get roasted for that too soon.

Another Tory sex scandal

Was this in the Tory manifesto or is it another sleazy vote grabber?

A truly classic typo.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Last Resort

It was a beautiful day here in Toytown for the first day of June. Well it was until the haar set in.

There I was at 6am on the 2nd speaking to a group of teenagers who'd decided, in the sunshine, to pitch their tent on the outskirts of town at a local 'beauty spot'.

When they'd set up home for the night (having told their olds that they were variously staying at each other's house for the night!) it had been, as they called it, "Paradise."

Looking at them now, wrapped up in quilts and sleeping bags shivering in 'T' shirts, in the cold of the morning accentuated by the haar so dense it was like drizzle, I had to ask, "I don't know why."

It was lost on them as I continued, "Call someplace Paradise, kiss it goodbye!"


Friday, June 01, 2007

Wipe your feet on the way out please

We've all been there. You know what I mean, the sort of house where you come out scratching your head for more than one reason!

The piles of collected rubbish, some mouldy, some not. The literally hundreds of milk bottles, some washed, some not. The faeces covered toilets, the empty bottles of cheap vodka. More often than not here's a sad old soul sat in the only corner of the room not part of this tip....and often they themselves are shabby, unkempt, quiet...too quiet. Too often they have passed away without anyone noticing.

OK so that's the heavy, melancholy bit over, now the dark humour... I got to thinking how dumb do you have to be to bring the detritus into your office from the shitehole you have just visited, when I thought about the above and the linked article from the Beeb. How many times have you come away literally itching to scratch that feeling of well ..... you know FLEAS!

Bet ya's all itching now, but probably not just like Ms Hilton!

p.s. I eagerly anticipate comments relating to crustaceans!

p.p.s. I did consider heading this post "Good Crieff".